something else

May we all find something else to say.



My christmas wish for everyone

Long way down

Why dont I start this post by saying what needs to be said-

YIKES

let not the implications of what I have implied iniatiate a debate involving inappropraite intimidation. Instead see the intricate and intimate interactions involving you and I .


I am proud to say I am growing mature. Not older but maturer.

How do I do it you ask, how does he manage to grow up and grow older at the same time. Unfotunately maturity doesnt exactly bring answers, it does hower post more questions and to make things worse it takes the answers you thought you knew and renders them stupid and useless.

I say we are baseless and we are wrong- I say I dont believe in reincarnation so I commit suicide to prove I wont come back to life, they say suicide is a sin and so as a punishment god didnt bring me back to life.

They say all the worlds a stage- I say screw that go watch the movies

I have been thinking lately- thinking is just people commiting suicide in tiny doses.

I am not the smartest guy in world but I am definately not the dumbest either, I know a little bit of current events a bit of history I have read books, had discussions and I have talked about things. I know I am not the dumbest person on the planet because the people I discuss and talk with are the dumbest people on the planet.

Its a mystery of human chemistry how some people dissolve into you in tiny increments.

True Romance

Say it

You see a girl you really like- then SAY IT

I have said it once I will say it again---
He who hesitates, masturbates

How you say it always important- and a lot of men arent good at it and so being the great guy I am I have here for you the best sweeping romantic speech in the world- it will get the girl everytime provided you SAY IT right.

Ever since I first saw you and pictured you naked I felt deep down in me, an erection. I never believed in love at first sight and I still don’t but for you I am wiling to lie about it. You are the most beautiful girl in and around the 25 meter radius of where I am standing- excluding Betty there because she is way out of my league, so to rephrase that you are the most beautiful girl in my league in a 25 meter radius of where I am starting provided Julie there doesn’t step any closer. Every time I look into your eyes it makes me think I would so rack be looking at your rack right about now. You give me reason for my NRB- Because of you I have started noticing the smaller things- like your breasts. You are like a song- a song by 50 cent- talking mostly about hoe’s, bitches and escalades and sometimes pimpin’. So right now, I am down on my knees asking you—will you be my mistress. If the answer is No then walk away I won’t try to stop you as long as you shake that fine ass for me while you do it.

Good night and good f***

real fidelity

Part three of the relationships series-

I have so far talked about “this” and I have talked about “the other” so naturally this post is about- “that” for those who don’t know what the sentence so far meant I am talking about intimacy, for those who still have no clue what I am talking about I mean sex.

What exactly is sex? Don't bother asking adults. They wont tell- and if they do they will give you the ridiculous version. However, painstaking independent research and hours of playground consultation have yielded fruitful, if tentative, results. There are several theories, but most of them conclude it has something to do with acting ridiculous in the dark. This is called "making love". Careful study of popular song lyrics, advertising catch-lines, TV sitcoms, movies, and T-Shirt inscriptions offers us significant clues as to its nature. Apparently it makes people characterless and insane. Some graffiti I once observed that said "sex is good". All available evidence, however, points to the contrary.

Now we know what sex is- lets go to its finer points- actually lets talk about intimacy instead of sex. As sex is not something I can give an expert analysis on. Deep intimacy is above all the feeling of great seduction. Unlike sex, and you can disagree here, intimacy is seductive- be it a gentle kiss or a longing touch or even just a look of not passion but of complicity. Relationships seem to lack that, screw what the relationship books tell you, look for that look of complicity- now that’s satisfying.

And before Rakshi Castrates me let me tell you about hugs. Actually I will leave her to tell you about hugs, she is the expert. I will just say this hugs are important in friendship or just humanship really but in a relationship the warmth of one body holding on to another has a completely different effect. Also more importantly hug people unless you want to be castrated by rakshi.

WOW- I can see why they write books on these things, single blogposts don’t do it any justice. I give up- its impossible to write on these subjects. Screw it

I will just give you one piece of advice when it comes to relationships-

Keep it real, keep it great- keep it really great.

High fidelity

This is the second entry a sequel of sorts to fidelity, my earlier post. There is one thing in a long term relationship that is probably more important than communication.

LOVE

How do I give advice on that- I don’t know- How to fall in love? No can do

I could always do- How to get someone to fall in love? No can do.

How about- How to say in Love? Not happening either

None of this is something that can we thought or learned- instead I will write something more handy.

How to know if you are in love or not?

Lets start with the common symptoms- as shown on TV, books and media.

- Sleeplessness

- Don’t at much

- Seeing the person you love everywhere

- Butterflies in tummy

- Day dreaming

It seems a lot of people in the media have mistaken pneumonia for love. These are not symptoms of Love but symptoms of high stage 2 pneumonia.

Lets face it- you probably have butterflies in your tummy because you don’t eat much- why don’t you eat much- you don’t eat much because you cant taste anything due to the pneumonia and if you keep day dreaming how the hell do you except some sleep and lack of sleep can lead to only one thing- delusions. You are getting delusional- seeing people.

You don’t need a lover, you need a doctor.

So how do you know if you are in love- well here are the real symptoms.

You are in love if -:

- Of the two people involved, one is rich and the other is poor

- People and rain appears from nowhere and start singing songs

- One of the two is in denial of the love before the last possible moment

- The girl is leaving for ever possibly for a better job on a plane, in an airport with very low security- where just about anybody can get through even without a ticket. (hope terrorists never fall in Love)

- There is a huge misunderstanding between the two of you.

- If there is a third person involved- most commonly a manipulative rich/cocky or bitchy person.

- You have weird/quirky friends- who all hang around in one place- an give you bad advice on your life- while they themselves seem to be desperate and single and don’t have anything better to do than hang around in one place all day.

If you have at least four of the seven above things happening in your life than you are in love.

There are some exceptions to the above rules- other less common symptoms of love are:-

- confusion

- No control of situation

- complex mixed feelings

- not being satisfied

- Fear

- And caring

Of course that could also mean you are having a mid-life crisis.

To be continued…

Fidelity

Men and women have co-existed for millions of years- of course none of these men and women have really been able to survive very long. We still have men and women- they are not the same ones though. So really men and women haven’t co-existed for millions of years.

We are getting better at it though- the average life expectancy of both men and women has risen- this is mainly because we are now better at dealing with the opposite sex.

There are a lot of self-help books around to help on relationship issues but don’t listen to those books- books like ones written by Doctor Phil or something like “Men are from mars, women are from Venus” – you want to have a successful relationship- Stop comparing your partner to aliens- maybe they don’t like being called- non human. Stop spending time reading books about relationships and spend time on the relationship- and most importantly do not take advice from a MAN who pretends he is Oprah and talks about incest on television for a living.

I understand some people do need help with their relationships- so this post will help you do that without having to read an entire book- These are the basics

Number one- communication

It is important to be on MSN online 24/7. I cannot stress this enough- BE ONLINE. Many a times people find it difficult to tell their partner something- be it out of guilt, embarrassment or just not knowing how to bring the subject-up, this is where you use the personal message setting on your MSN- to send subtle message-.

One must always communicate the love they have for their partners and nothing says intimacy more than two smiley faced emoticons- hugging each other.

Let us take this moment to thank the Love guru- bill gates and MSN.

To have an healthy relationship- keep no secrets from each other- but the real secret for a really healthy relationship is to hide your secrets extremely well.

Women like to talk about their problems- and men don’t. This leads to misunderstandings- The girl thinks the man is not trusting her with his problems the man is thinking maybe if she shut up she wouldn’t have so many problems.

There is a solution to this problem- women, make your problem more appealing to men. For example say you have a fight with your best friend and you want to talk about your feelings to your partner- this is what you need to do, Add sex into the story- curse as much as possible, put in some nudity- cat fights are always interesting- a car chase or two is highly recommended- and a few things blowing up, followed by some more sex. You have got the total and complete attention of the man.

I am actually going to stop typing now- but I am not done- this post will be continued when I next update the Blog.

MURDER I WROTE

I have been reading the newspaper lately and what do I see murder. Everybody seems to be doing it- but that’s not what gets me enraged- what really gets me angry is the fact that everybody seems to be getting caught. The prisons are full of people, way too many of you people have been arrested for murder lately and frankly I am ashamed. If this generation is going to have a chance in hell of surviving in today’s brutal DNA-evidence-laden world, we’re going to need to learn from the mistakes of murderers of yore and actually pull off a murder or three without leaving an evidence trail so obvious that it would be harder to catch you if you left your business card. I’m sick of all this idiocy. People have been murdering people for tens of thousands of years and we don’t know how to do it by now? There’s no reason to get caught here, people. If you want to get away with murder- here is what you need to do.

RULE NUMBER ONE- Victim

Before committing a murder it is necessary to have a victim, murder is a self gratifying act but unlike the other self gratifying act it cannot be done without another person. Jack the ripper never got caught, why, he choose his victims carefully. His victims were all prostitutes and prostitutes all fall into the Preferred Victim category for the following reasons: they are easy to abduct and lure into poorly lit areas, they can be gone for more than a few days before anyone bothers to report them missing and they are typically light and easy to carry. Considering prostitution is a thriving industry in Dubai a victim shouldn’t be hard to find. It is now integral to follow the next step.

RULE NUMBER TWO- MOTIVE

The next step in getting away with murder is simple, motive- make sure you have none. Only murder people you barely know for reasons no one can understand. Is there is absolutely no reason for you to murder the grocery lady kill her, she’s your gal. Don’t murder people who make you mad or inflict pain upon you

RULE NUMBER THREE- WITNESS

Thirdly- leave no witnesses. Make sure no one is looking when you kill. This can lead to arrest and conviction that would go against the whole idea of getting away with murder.

RULE NUMBER FOUR

Once you have found a victim who you have no motive to kill and you have taken them to a deserted place with no witnesses. You may kill the person, how to do this is up to you. Guns are a popular choice but something more creative is always more fun.

Furthermore- what ever weapon you choose, destroy it once you are done. This something a lot of people tend to forget to do. It is of utmost importance that the murderer does not throw the weapon in a lake near by or hide it in their pocket. After a murder is committed a weapon is a major liability. Please don’t be an idiot and try to sell or keep your weapon as memorabilia. Remember anything worth doing is worth doing right.

RULE NUMBER FIVE-BODY DUMPING

Following the murder, the murderer needs to get rid of the body. There is no end of quality places to hide the body. There are lakes, rivers, graveyards- miles and miles of desert. Hide the body there, people wont look for bodies in sand dunes. Do not leave the body where it was killed, don’t leave it on the highway or the trunks of your car, use the land that god gave you. Make the body disappear, no body, no murder, no hand cuffs and no dropping soap in the prison showers.

RULE NUMBER FOUR- CLEAN ESCAPE

And finally sweep the place for finger prints you might have left- if you did leave finger prints that pretty stupid because you should wear gloves and cover as much of your body as possible.

Get out of there as soon as possible and pretend nothing ever happened and you should be Scot free. Remember, murder is like anything else in life. It’s not very difficult, but it has to be done just right or you’ll end up in jail.

Disclaimer

Don’t read this post. There has to be something more constructive you can do with your time. Maybe you could take a night class, become someone important. Make something out of yourself. Treat yourself to a dinner, be happy for a change. Use the time you would otherwise waste reading this to live for a change. Go on give it a try.

Every year over hundreds of thousands of people die of starvation. Every day Mc donalds sells over hundreds of thousands of burgers burgers. Fast food joints in third world countries is the answer to the worlds hunger problems. Ronald should be the UNs mascot.

If you look around at most people you can trace the entire persons evolution of personality to the latest deodorant advertisement. Be it the evolution of our hair or our cloths, the evolution of how we talk and how we judge people. We are the children of supermodels, we might not look at them but they raised us and thought us how to live our lives. Deodorant- the secret to successful life though it doesn’t cover up the smell of artificiality.

The thing about cloning our personalities from television advertisements is that killing us is the moral equivalent of crashing a car, beheading a Barbie, Switching of a vacuum cleaner we are all such products.

They say when you die our life flashes before our eyes. Am I really alive or is this just a rerun of my life.

Another thing is no matter how much you love someone, when they are not using that deodorant and that stench enters your nose- you will take a step back. We love our deodorants; it’s a great cover to our natural unholy scent.

I think Darwin had it wrong- people don’t evolve, we mutate.

On a lighter note

I look around with people writing poetry or lyrics on their blogs

My turn-

"I might be a hero"

Today I think I saved the world again

But I cannot tell you who I am

Today I think I saved the world again

But nobody gives a damn

Today you saved my life again

And I don’t think it’s fair

Today I saw your face again

And all I could do was stare.

He said he would take over the world

He said the people would be destroyed

He didn’t say it would be for the better

He didn’t say most souls had already died

They told me to stand for good

They told me to help the innocent

They never told me the good exude

nothing but hate and lament.

Today I saved the world again

And I thought it was for nothing at all

Today you held my hand again

When a hero was about to fall

They told me there is strength in resistance

They didn’t tell me about vulnerability

They told me about persistence

They didn’t tell me about pity

They told me to be strong

I now ask the same

They asked me to fight the wrong

They didn’t tell me about the pain

Today you saved my life again

and maybe its not fair

Today I saved the world again

But only because you were there

By Hysum

Not worry I will get back to normal blogging in my next post- This was just for some change

common mis-contraceptions

I walk around and talk to people only to find out that the world is full of common- misconceptions about men. I would like to use the midium of this blog to clear out some of my these common misconceptions. If you have any more questions please don’t be afraid to ask.

1- Men think about sex every six seconds-

This is far from the truth. We men like the romantically subtle things; we do not think of sex every sex sexonds.

2- Men watch porn

I will not dispute this- we do watch porn, but we watch it for the articles. We do not watch porn to fulfill any of our sick perverted desires- we watch it for its suspense filled plots filled with twists, tits and turns. We watch it for its deep characters and excellent choreography. We watch it for the massage... I mean the messege And the action is blowing- mind blowing that is.

3- Men are shallow

Contrary to common conceptions we are not actually as shallow as the shallow end of a pool for midget babies. We are in fact as deep as a deep throat by Jenna Jameson. (Jenna Jameson and midgets why does that sound familiar)

4- Men are not good listeners

That’s not a real mis-conceptions- I have never heard a girl make that complain to me

5- Men are not sensitive

We in fact are very sensitive in particular areas.

6- Men do not talk about their feelings

No we don’t

Million dollar kid

I was walking down the street- when I saw a suffering kid- on television- I stopped to think and forgot to start again. This post is to raise awareness on the plight of the kids living in poverty. All around the world, millions of kids are living in poverty- They are so poor that their mobile phones don’t even have cameras- and even worse some of their mobile phones don’t even have colour screens.

- Can you even imagine living like that- not having the credit to SMS when you don’t want to waste credit. – every year every year millions of kids die due to unsubstantial telecommunications- You can help these kids- by the year 2010 there should be one cell phone in the hand of every kid- you can help reach these kids- connect to these people- after all that is the motto of the great charity organization – NOKIA.

- I say a cell phone in the HAND of every kid because they don’t have pockets to keep it in. We need to help these children get pants because there is nothing like the great lifting sensation that a nicely fitted pair of pants can provide. Send money to these kids who wear torn cloths and let them buy designer torn cloths. Nothing says “content” like a pair of jeans torn at the knees. – By the year 2010 every child should be wearing pants, torn in the right places.

- (giving poor kids pants and cell phones will also reduce the number of people living below the poverty line as the kids will keep their cell phones in their pockets and this will cause their sperm to die from radiation- in effect reducing the amount of poor people.)

- You take your education for granted- demutualization of their intellect has been caused due to the organs (made of cells which are in turn made of tissues) situated in their organ system not getting enough information and other similar components. Poor uneducated children could not even understand what I just wrote- How stupid they must feel as something as simple as that written in such simple day to day language seems incredibly pointless to them. Oh the horror- how many of these kids cant read what I have written on this blog- all they can do is stare at my blog on their laptops without being to able to read a thing.- Every year millions of poor kids die because they cant read my blog. Help them- by the year 2010 may all children be educated and have my blog bookmarked.

Think about it- take a stand- help those in need- send money to Hysums one buck foundation- where every dirham counts- (though the children cant count- because of their lack of education)

little known

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by logic or science- Mr. Abraham is just one example of such things.

- And many men claim women are another but women arent tht hard to understand once you look at them scientifically. Lets start from scratch- Women are made up of DNA- Deoxyribonucleicacid- For those uninitiated with science Deoxyribonucleicacid is a complex string of syllables.

This DNA decides things such as sex, eye colour- any desieces you might have and even your sex orientation- Clearly science disproves the silly superstition that the stars controls and planets control a persons future- that’s just stupid- infact its little colourful stringy things that decide these things.

The female body is complex- and I really don’t have time to talk about all the parts of the female body but know this- each part has a biological function- lets take the breast for example- the sole biological purpose of female breasts are to make men stupid.

The female body is very delicate- it is important that a man touches it with utmost care and devotion taking time to savour every tiny moment of the female body- especially since lately there is so little body involved- Women these days are thin and it has nothing to do with DNA or stars- and it is tragic- falling through sewer frills is now the number one reason for female death. Followed by lung cancer- which can easily be eradicated if cigarettes came with the warning- “contains fat”. The third most common reason for death among women is breast cancer which would be a lot easier to treat if the men doctors treating the women didn’t all of a sudden become stupid.

There is a lot more to write about but time is not my friend- This post will be continued in the near future.

Until then

Women- take care of your bodies or else I will have to do it for you

I'm it

Tag- desktop

You know

babies for dummies

As a child I asked my dad "Where do babies come from?"

He replied

"Your Mum"

I grew up to realize my dad was wrong,. The real answer is a lot more complicated

"where do babies come from?"

INDIA

Babies are Indias highest export.

Now I am not saying all babies come from India but china and India pretty much have a monopoly on them.


Though china has more stock at this moment India is catching up- and fast.


One has to remember most chinese babies are cheap fake versions of Japanese babies. What else do you think the Philipnos are- cheap , pirated versions of the chinese shipped to other countries in containers.

The reason that India manages to make so many is simply economic-

In india labour is cheap still painful but cheap.

But with all their technology why hasnt the western countries been able to get in on the baby business. Well they have tried - with stem cell research, test tube babies and cloning but nothing has really been working and reason is simple. Baby making is more of a manual job and the westerners used to using technology dont have it in them to do manual work.
Hell they insist on using dildos and cyber sex .


As for the cloning the the chinese and blacks have already perfected that.

When born babies arent too complicated - the only organ they have are drool glands.


So to conclude- I have tried to explain the baby phenomenon as simply as possible. I hope it went down as smooth as a babies bottom- you know - I hope whoever invented that expression had babies otherwise its just concerns me how he might have tested his hypothesis


Just remember you cant have a baby in a month- It takes time, patience and a really drunk woman.

Obligation

I am thinking about...
You know who

I said…

We are an Elite Unit

I want to…

Dress up as a pirate and do pirate like things

I wish…

"A thousand such desires, for each desire I suffocate
Many of them fullfilled yet many remain adrift" - Urdu poet guy

I miss…

Please refer to answer one

I make with my hands ...

Love oh sweet love

I write...

So my hands arent otherwise occupied

I hear…

The voices in my head

I wonder…

Why on earth woulod anyone want to read this

I regret…

Not the sins I commitd but the ones I had no opportunity to commit

I am…

Awsum

I dance…

On Terraces

I sing…
Refer to the post "My own personal lyrics"

I cry…

whenever someone sends me a forward that says “Today is “I love you” day. Pass this on to 20 people and your secret crush will propose to you today. Else you will lose your reproductive organ by 12 tonight in a factory accident” otherwise I am Emotionally numb

I am not always…

Making sense

I confuse…

Reality with Fantasy

I need…

Fantasy

I should try…

To cry
I need...

What I have

I finish…

This tag

efil sdrawkcab

Life as it is sucks. There I said it- it has some great bits but as a whole it sucks. I hate the future.

The thing is in the future we have nothing to look forward too. Just death- and well death isnt all that great. I usually enjoy every moment of my life but moments last for moments and so I think that life should be lived inside out- upside down

Backwards

Like I said the most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle should be backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You get married and your love for them increases by the day plus they get younger. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. Then you party, hang out with your friends get the women enjoy campus life you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...


...and you finish off as an orgasm.

They Love ME- They Really love ME

Over the last few days it has come to my knowledge that this blog now has an bigger fanbase than ever before. Its great being a celebrity, being loved. I have never really been loved, not even by my parents- my bath toys were a toaster and a radio- That explains my hair.

Now as a famous person, it is veryt important that my fans know a little about me. Lets begin with my family tree- I looked up my family tree and monkeys threw fruits at me- I looked down my family tree and four dogs were using it as their person urinal.

I ofcourse have many funny anecdotes about my family but I wont write any, you see- The problem with intresting stories is it always reminds someone of a boring one.


Celebrity of course means more women- A girl called me yesterday and said "come on over, theres nobody home- I went over- Nobody was home

A fanbase also means more friends- I mean I never had friends or toys as a child- Hell if I wasnt a boy- I would have nothing to play with.

I mean the only fame I ever got before this was I was once in an ad- for birth control.

Fame does not go so well with relationships- Look at TOMKAT or Bennifer- I am afraid we might be called Hyni.

THis ofcourse will mean I will have to get into acting- I have a very expressive face- I once fell assleep in the library and a blind man was reading my face- Puberty was not a good time for pimples.

Maybe do a film or a TV show- being the great actor that I am- There is a lot of crap on Tv these days- espiecially reality shows- I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest, I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people and actors like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.


Even as I write this I am surrounded by papparatzi- I am typing this outside Jennifer Anistons house.

Some Quick notes

- Thank you to my number one fan, my publisist and the most amazing girl in the world.- Dalini
- Also I have decided to use this blog to help people out- Therefore I am going to start a agony aunt section, if you have problems or question please write them in the comment section I will try to help you out in the next post. You dont have to leave your name- but if you did it would help me answer your questin better also leave your age and gender if you can.

Till then

They love me- They really love me

Prescription

One night as I lay in bed, half alive or half dead- depending on whether you are a pessimist or an optimist- I discovered the only answer to why I was depressed; I was having a mid-life. So I decided to do what any man would do in such a situation, quit my job, buy an extremely fast car and cheat on my girl. Of course then I remembered I had no job to quit, no money to buy an extremely fast car or a girlfriend to cheat on and that’s when it hit me- I had no job, no money and no girl no wonder I was having a mid-life crisis.

So began my quest to find all three. Women love me, you will find women are always chasing and surrounding me after which they take turns in kicking me after pushing to the floor. But I can be extremely charming; I never forget to compliment the legs of the women kicking me.
I put women up on a pedestal but only so that I can look up their skirt.

The way to a woman’s heart is through her rib cage. The secret to a mans heart is through the objects that lay on top of a woman’s rib cage.

If none of that works I need money, I might not get her heart but with enough money and a trip to the right district one can easily get the rest of a woman.

Don’t get me wrong here, I love women with all my heart and other body parts.

Contrary to common understanding the three most important word in the English language is “it’s all benign”

All teenage guys- some more than others- lead their life based on Sarcasm and orgasm.

I am not a pessimist or an optimist, I am a narcissist- I drink from and I believe I deserve everyone’s half full or half empty glasses.

All of life’s great mysteries can be explained through the four P’s- Prayer, Philosophy, Physics and Pussy.

Play Melancholy Baby

Have I got any soul? That depends; some days yes, some days no. A few months ago I was right out; now I've got loads, too much, more than I can handle. I wish I could spread it a bit more evenly, get a better balance, but I can't seem to get it sorted. I can see most people wont be intrested in my internal stock control problems though, so I simply point to where I keep the soul I have, right by the exit, just next to the blues.


So what do I want to do now, I want to make sure I exploit my potential. People seem to believe I do have some- potential.


It was either me or somebody famous who said this but I think it was me back when I pretended I was famous- "I can resist everythng but temptation"


We humans try to do the impossible all the time- its the improbable that we dont even try to conquer.


A lot of of the above probably doesnt make sense- They are just shadows of my feelings- Darker, emptier and simpler.

Its not about weeping because it will be over but smiling because it happened.

I am smiling- cant seem to stop.

Self-fish Inconsiderate prick

God gave man a penis and a brain but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run them both at the same time.

So what is a man to do?

A bodily conflict of interest- You see women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place and preferably a woman too.

Or like Jerry Seinfeld put it "Its like my brain is playing chess with my penis"

Problem is the penis almost always wins- cause unlike the brian it grows.

ofcourse we men aren't all perverts- according to a recent survey the first thing most men notice about a woman is their eyes and women say the first thing they notice about men is tht they are a bunch of liars.

So what to choose, who is right? who is wrong?- is there a right or wrong?

The penis or the brain
The penis or the brain
The penis or the brain

A classic cartoon theme song should give you adequete background informaton on the subject.

The penis and the brain
The penis and the brain
One is a genius
and the others insane.

One of the reasons men wear briefs is because it keeps their penis in a controled enviroment- A strait jacket.

The brain you see has too many things to do, the penis on the other hand is pretty much single minded in its quest. It see's its target and never looks down or backs out till the job is done the

Basicly its not women but men with the hour glass bodies- when the penis fills up the brain empties

Free your mind

Azmi’s grandmother once famously said “When in doubt, whip it out”- I tried- and even though it amused me for some time it didn’t seem to solve anything [maybe I was doing it wrong]

But if not to whip it out then how else is a person supposed to take a decision.

Now I have been confused most of my life- so I have always known what I wanted.

Now most people complain about though decisions and I always believed that one thing most people forget is no matter how hard their day, no matter how tough their choices, how complex their ethical decisions, you always get to choose.

So how to make those difficult decisions- I don’t know but I know what helps.

We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last stronghold, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, somewhere to think, somewhere to do things, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness- that for us is bliss and that is where man can make the best and most complex of decisions. because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. For us things are simpler- When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, really boring things, like ornaments and bath oil- we have more important things to worry about. I mean, we do not even know what in the world the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your aunt! Why do we need that?

So in this strange and frightening world, the toilet is the one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this... fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgment. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.

And it is in this toilet that we make our decisions- of course I just moved and it is now that I realize the importance of the toilet- my toilet- when I have to take decision- but I have nowhere, no one to go to.

So everybody reading this- I want you to take this time to truly respect your toilet- it gives you more than you will ever give it.

Husbands and wives

When I was young, or not so young, I used to ask my father and my mother to tell me about their wedding. They didn’t like to do it too much claiming that they had forgotten. I now realize that maybe the truth was that they wanted to forget!

The post is long but so are marriages

leaving that aside, the thing is that I am fascinated by weddings. This fascination was not just about the pomp and the grandeur of an Indian wedding. Very simply, I wanted to be the groom. Not because the brides caught my fancy (well to be honest sometimes they did!). It was because I wanted to be at the center of attraction, the cynosure of all eyes. Everybody fretted and fussed over the groom, for a few days at least everyone was there to attend to him and indulge his whims. He got the first choice, the most attention. Later I learnt that’s the same treatment is given to death row inmates an hour before their execution.

How I am going to find that girl or who its going to be is still in question, but that’s for another post, but I can picture my Indian wedding right now.

It will be a love marriage. And no it wasn’t one of those pansy “arranged-cum-love marriages”. What’s an “arranged-cum-love-marriage” anyway? I mean isn’t it an oxymoron? It just means you can’t get a girl for yourself and your parents have to step in. And you are too ashamed to accept it and like to put a veneer of “love” to cover it. Let’s face it…. arranged marriage is all about the BBB factor: the Bigger and Better Bet. Guys go for the prettiest girl they can find while girls go for Mr. Moneybags. After all, that’s all you can judge before an arranged marriage. If richer get the prettier, where’s the love? And when you start something on the basis of such corporeal considerations, how does “love” ever grow? I also find the term “love marriage” rather curious. It precludes “arranged” marriages from having “love” in it!

My marriage is most likely to take place in India. I will land at the airport, there my would-be wife and her parents standing to receive me with a bouquet of flowers! Now in all my life no one has ever given me flowers. And here I was, coming down from the plane and being greeted with a full bouquet. Oh the importance!

Pretty soon I would realize that things were going to be very different from now on. For one, my mother will keep on repeating that I was going to become someone else’s. And that my loyalties would change yada yada yada.

Of course Ma wanted to be reassured that my loyalties to her were NOT going to change. That I was going to still be mama’s boy and that I should always remember who brought me up. Needless to say, I will have to hug her … “Oh Ma of course I am still your baby ”.

The fact was that the wedding was not yet finished and there was no denying that I couldn’t piss her off at this stage. Or get her overtly sentimental. She is the main organizer around the house. Men are no good at this stuff.

The preparations would start start. Being a lazy guy, I let my mother do most of the work. After all, This was the marriage of her first son. So I did not want to deprive her of the happiness of arranging everything herself. That would have been a most selfish thing to do. So I profitably used whatever time I could get to spend with my to-be-wife and to be generally up to “no good”.

Then it would be time for shopping, Now shopping I hate, so I am hoping by that time my plans for inventing organic pants- which grow with you and change according to occasion- will be ready for human testing.

Then ofcourse would be time for the invitations- You all are invited- I couldn’t get married without you.

Then before the wedding you have the tradition of taking gifts and packing them in such a pretty way that you don’t want to open the wrapper. A mountain of wasted effort. But then again so is marriage!

it’s rather fun however especially since I wasn’t doing it. My aunts did it interspersing their efforts with attempts to pull my leg. It’s all in the game and I took it gamely. Except that I have heard these same gags like millions of times. And such lame ass too. Chillers like “ Oh thinking about your wife”. Yeah what do you want me to think about? You? Of course I am thinking about my wife. What’s their problem? I know they are trying to be friendly. But somehow when you are missing your wife (you are not supposed to see her for a few days before the marriage or something to that effect) its not exactly what you like to hear.

Then the day of the marriage. And then I realized that this wasn’t a question of the groom being important. It was a matter of being made the center of a huge joke. It was some sort of Shakespearean comedy of errors in which nothing made sense. Except that everyone but the players were enjoying it. It was one enormous Chinese water torture spread over a day, and then continued for a week.

For starters, I have to wake up at the crack of dawn. Ostensibly to taste some curd. For good luck or something, Indian tradition. Who the hell thought of this anyway? I would do no such thing. Wake up pretty late, have a dash of curd. According to custom I wasn’t supposed to eat for the day but Geneva Conventions forbids POWs from being deprived of 2000 calories a day. So I ate naturally.

The next ceremony is a strip tease show where I would have to stand bare-torso in front of a gaggle of middle-aged women (aunts and neighbors) while I was smeared with turmeric and then bathed. And I wasn’t going to stand shirless e while someone poured water down my spine. This was my marriage, not some public spectacle. Plus I don’t really have the figure to display my torso, a Greek god I am not by any means!I am to be smeared with garlic. While the cameramen and video photographers make sure that this moment of embarrassment is enshrined forever.

Lots of photos. Lots of smiles. Please look this way. Yes over here hold these flowers. Yes look this way. Just roll your eyes…yes just right! The evening was off to a flying start.
The car was bedecked with flowers. I had a tough time getting into the car. I meanI had thorns up my ass.

Then of to the place of marriage. This the girl gets to decide so it can be anywhere, was escorted and asked to sit on a throne. I felt like a king. No not really. Actually, I felt like a fool with the cameramen making me move my face every angle. Focussing, lighting me from different angles. If that was not enough, strange people whom I have never seen before (and unlikely to see again) were coming and introducing them to me. To be honest, everyone looked the same . I smiled stupidly at them and muttered something inane like “Oh nice to see you again”. Of course I haven’t seen them before…. there were a lot of them. Of different ages. I couldn’t look at them too close for the sake of decency. No one likes it if the groom is ogling at other girls. But you know me. So I convinced myself these girls were actually guys and looked at them with the same impersonal aura of boredom as I would if they were of the same gender as I am. They perhaps thought I was being rude. Couldn’t be helped. The flip side would be that if I looked at them the way I usually look at ladies their age, they would think I am a letch. Which in a way is closer to the truth, but then again who said I cared a rat’s ass about truthfulness. One thing I couldn’t help noticing, my wife’s sister’s ages had a wide distribution. As a friend of mine told me: That’s a good investment for the future. You get my drift right?

Now the best part goodies, and I am talking about presents. Which is a big thing for the groom, as most people seem to think its fine to buy gifts for the bride but not for the groom. Hello! There is another person getting married too !!! I mean if women are equal to men then why not have the same principle be carried over with regard to the disbursement of gifts? Why the sexism here eh? This had been an issue that had bothered me ever since I saw my uncle getting married when I was ten years old. And I noticed that he hardly got nothing for himself in comparison to what my aunt got. Though really I didn’t mind it too much now… as long as one of us got the presents it stayed in the “family”. As you can see dear readers, I had already been “broken in ” as horses are and become quite house-trained. So much so that my wife getting gifts and not me didn’t really hurt as much as I thought it would. [ Incidentally if any girl is reading this I am very happy at the gifts I will get. No, I am not an ungrateful ******..I am just saying this to make a point about the “relative” skewed way people give gifts]

Now during the eremony you have to take off your shoes. Just like in any other Indian ceremony…wearing shoes isn’t really the sartorial style of choice . Unfortunately, no doubt influenced by Hindi film “family” movies (which are nothing but elaborate wedding videos of nice looking people with no problems in the world other than “love” ), people have stumbled upon this irritating tradition of stealing the groom’s shoes. The tradition is that the groom is supposed to be teased and then asked to pay his in-laws to get his shoes back.

In times when the grooms were milking the brides dry with their dowry demands, perhaps there was some poetic justice in this. Now it makes no sense. But then again I wouldn’t be doing a traditional marriage if I skip these traditions.

Then the marriage part, which I am going to skip in the post- its getting to long.

After the wedding is the tradition in which people are supposed to not let the newly wed sleep.

Well everyone has to fall asleep after that . And I dont want to wake them up as well as the rest of the others. It is a nice opportunity for both of us to catch some sleep..my poor wife will suffer even more than me cause her rituals are more elaborate. Now will be the best time for us to sleep. Except for a minor technicality: everybody was asleep, there aint any room for us. And I do need my room baby!

Well just as I thought I was going to sing, they fell asleep. And I didn’t want to wake them up as well as the rest of the others. It was a nice opportunity for both of us to catch some sleep..my poor wife had been suffering even more than me cause her rituals are more elaborate. Now was the best time for us to sleep. Except for a minor technicality: everybody was asleep, there wasn’t any room for us. And I do need my room baby!

Now reflections. What one carries with him once the thing is over. Well really it wasn’t over yet, there would be some ceremonies next day, and lot of misty-eyed weeping during the farewell

As I said what any shrink will tell you is that the important thing is what I got out of the experience. Firstly a marriage ceremony is so lengthy and ends up being such torture that no one in their right mind would ever get married twice. That’s the problem with Christian marriages: they are too small and painless. Hence the high divorce rate in Western countries. Over here we have perfected a marriage technique so that the groom over and over again is reminded of his responsibilities. He is made to sit in revealing clothing so that people can see he is more or less physically ok. His suppleness is tested by the ballerina toes, his intuition by putting the vermilion without looking at the bride, how easily he can part with cash by all the tips he has to give to all and sundry, and in sum his patience is tested all throughout. The upshot is you would never again want to go through with this.

As for the importance I got , like all fame, it’s all ephemeral. No matter how much I disliked being the center of attraction, it felt a whole lot worse when everything was over and I went back to being my regular Joe once again.

But no that day did change me in a way. It was that day which made me the most important person in my wife’s life. And that’s what made it worth the while. No matter how insignificant I may be, no matter how many regret letters I get from jobs and flames from my advisor, no matter how fat I am and how many consecutive zeroes I get while batting there is one person to whom I will always be number one. Once the music dies, the glitter of ornaments vanish into the night and the flowers wither away,that is the only feeling that remains.

Now all I need is the bride- please sign up below.

Or you could leave a comment- only if you are a guy or you are not hot.

Anhedonia

Having trouble with the opposite sex- I date doctor Hysum has come to your rescue- I may not be Will Smith but I too can be quite the fresh price.

Rule number one

Ask her out- You see someone you like ask them out

Remember

He who hesitates- masturbates

Rule number two

Give her a call a few hours before the actual date – to get a sense of how she’s feeling- but don’t talk for too long.

A long talk before a date is the Dating equivalent of a complete rectal examination.

Rule number Three

When you first meet her- give her a complement

Here’s a good one- I think you are very cool- you are also looking very hot- you are cold and hot like Malaria- I wish I was black and living in a third world country so I could catch you.

Rule number four

Woman love gifts- tell her you got her one and she will get to open the “package” later in the night.

Rule number Five

Don’t wear underwear and let her know it.

Rule number six

When giving her a ride (in a car) open the door so she can get in- Then apologize for opening the backdoor and tell her that’s for later.

Rule number seven

Lick your food seductively.

Remember

Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.

Rule number eight

When she talks pretend you are listening- when she is not talking pretend you want to listen

Rule number eight

Talk about romantic, mystical things- Tell her you believe in destiny, soul mates and the supernatural (after all how else could you explain your giant penis)

Rule number nine

A condom on a date keeps the doctor away.

Rule number ten

What to do after that I will explain using poetry (the language of love)

One- two – Unbuckle your pants and your shoe

Three- four- Shut the door

Five- six- pick up stick

Seven- eight- lay her straight

Nine- ten- A BIG FAT HEN.

AND THE FINAL AND MOST IMPORTANT RULE

- THERE ARE NO RULES. You cant learn how to be good on a date,thats like learning to be midget and no matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck.

AND ONE MORE RULE

- There actually are rules I only wrote there are no rules because it sounds cool. okay it doesnt sound cool but I wanted to do it anyway.

The meaning of life

I am not pessimist- I see the glass half full, half full of poison.

Don’t get me wrong here, I am not paranoid- as a matter fact I am the exact opposite of paranoid- I walk around with the insane delusion that people actually like me.

People call me the worst kind of whore there is, the kind that sells himself short. I of course disagree- I think I do things to the best of my ability even if that’s not saying much. You could say I whore if you think about the fact that I do things for one buck- but I don’t do it for the money (it’s not much) and I don’t do it because it a dare- I do it for tradition- Be it receiving a buck or meeting at “THE SPOT” I do it for tradition- I enjoy tradition- Tradition gives me the illusion of permanence.

The question is have I learned anything about life. Only that human being are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter... .

What did I think about GOD- I believe in him but I also believe he is an underachiever- I mean look at us.

What do I think of death well, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever been alone, you know what I'm talking about. The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.

As for life- it’s like a game of twister- it has it’s ups and downs- twist and turns and at the end whether you are the first one to fall or the last “man” standing- you always end up twisted and in pain- but that doesn’t mean you didn’t have fun.

Regarding Love- To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness- Love is the world’s biggest paradox and that is the reason why many don’t find true love or are separated from their what they love- because we didnt the universe would implode.

So Dark The Con Of Man

The Da Vinci code movie recently became the 10^th highest grossing movie of all time. I personally believe the movie could have done much better if they made a few changes in it, a few tweaks here and there to make the movie more suitable to wider audiences. Here’s a list of things they should have done.

- Add more sex

- Have a more bankable lead star- replace Tom hanks with Mithun

- Add songs and dance

- Add a romantic comedy angle

- Add more sex( as a matter of fact make it porn)

Keeping these changes in my mind I present to you my own version of Da Vinci code

The Da Vinci Load

Our story starts with professor long-john giving a symbology speech in France. He stands at the podium talking about symbols. Camera zoom in to below the podium where Long-John is getting it Clinton style.

Screen cuts to the Louver- the curator- played here by Monica Beluchi (I know she is not French but as long as she is a hot foreigner it doesn’t matter) is being chased by an albino man. She runs in slow motion in true Baywatch style- she gets shot (using a gun that is) - so she does what any woman in her position would do- she strips (again in slow motion) and spreads eagle on the floor.

Screen cuts to the symbology conference the cops come in and ask Long-john to come with them as there has been a murder in the Louver. Lang- John refuses to go with them until the cops show him the picture of the naked curator- Long-john zips up and zooms out to the museum.

Being the perfectionist that he is Long-john examines every inch of the curators’ body for clues than does it again in case he missed something. The French police officer shows the professor the cryptic message the curator had left before dying to her death. The code reads D3669.

This is when the hot French woman playing the role of Sophie NoBrain, the famous police cryptologist barges in, she like all hot French women is wearing a French maids outfit. She surreptitiously hands long-john a visiting card which has a 1 900 number ($2.99/minute + tax) scribbled on it. Wasting no time he calls it to hear NoBrain’s voice telling him, to not make any expression of alarm and come meet her in the ladies restroom.

Prof. Long-john, used to such urgent encounters with strangers in rest rooms, hurries to the meeting place making some excuse to the Captain, after all seeing the curator that way has set off all sorts of thoughts in his head. But no- Things are quite different.

NoBrain warns him of the grave danger Prof Long-john is in. The French captain had not brought him in as an advisor but as the prime suspect. They have no intention of letting Long-john walk out of the museum unarrested. Because there is something Long-john does not know–a line that curator wrote which the police have wiped away before he came.

It said “I need Long-john”

It said “I need Long-john badly”.

Professor Long-john smiles slightly. He had deduced the curator’s intentions long ago—this was merely a confirmation. After all who did not “need” him?

NoBrain, no mean cryptologist tells Long-john her interpretation of the symbols with wide-eyed wonder.

“Sir, 3, 6 and 9 are in Arithmetic progression. Also 3 + 6= 9. 666 means the devil and we all know that 9 can be read as 6. Also “d” can also be looked upon as 9 after some transformation geometry”.

Long-john is willing to have nothing of it.

He replies thatshe is all wrong and corrects her by saying “d3669 actually should be read as 36d and 69—-the only two alphanumeric concepts he or the hot curator could have known. That plus the “I want Long- John” and everything made sense.

Long- john now speaks his mind “Enough talk. Now give me a kiss”

NoBrain smiles coyly: “But sir, the French police”.

Long-john says:” Use your brain. Cops- A lovely lass. Hero needs to make a get-a-away.”

NoBrain gets the message. Soon she starts dancing a seductive number, after a costume change. Two backup dancers repeating “Sha la” emerge from the shady nooks and crannies of the Louvre —one is called Mona and the other, yes you guessed it, Lisa. More follow. The French police are lost in music and lust and Long-john escapes through the window.

And so begins the most intellectually stimulating part of the movie where the Professor, Sir JavaBean and Nobrian try to decipher the reason why the Professor and NoBrain are being pursued. What deadly secret have they stumbled upon? —a secret so explosive that it could eject a load. A secret so explosive it can shake the foundations of humanity, chastity and tities in general.

Can you break the code.

Riddle me this

If I took a male hen (a cock) and peeled of the shin from its forehead would it be circumcision

What should happen if someone farted in hell?

Whose idea was it to eat the thing that comes out of a chicken’s ass?

Are all books plagiarized from the dictionary?

If environmentalists get to tie themselves to trees, what would happen if I became a feminist?

Am I racist if I own a coloured television?

Why do remote controls have eject buttons?

What did the chicken want to do on the other side?

And finally the most important question. I did not come up with this question myself but it is one that has plagued man kind and Dwieki since the beginning of time.

WHY OH WHY ISNT IT CALLED PUNAL?

My mantra

18 years from now, on a humid night –much like this one a young man was born (he of course was a baby when he was born, not a man). This boy grew up to become a fearless, smart, intelligent, desirable, sexy man- in the room next to his I was born and grew up to become like me- Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife- that was me in my previous life when I was Russell Crowe in Gladiator.

In this life I am me- and I will eventually be-Father to an unplanned child, husband to wife with a killer body.

As I celabrate the first anivarsary to my seventeenth birthday- I feel mature already- now if only puberty kicked in, I will be all grown up.

The first thing I thought when I turned 18 was the fact that I will never be able to sneak into 18+ movies again, this was the only real difference I could think of between now and yesterday.

I guess I never really grew up after the age of nine I have the mind of a nine year old stuck in Russell Crowe’s body.

Ahhhh to be seventeen again

My own personal Lyrics

The following post is a compilation of lyrics from Four of the famous songs by "THE IMP"s

"She's a bitch but"

When you wake up in the morning and find life next to you in bed,
But she wont stay for breakfast cause she's messing with our head
When life wont return your phone calls and keeps putting you on hold,
When she returns the gifts you bought her, all those trinkets made of gold.

And when the grass is the ceiling and the floor is the sky,
When she break your heart only you dont know why.
When she spits in your face and curses your back,
When everythings a blur and everything lags

When you open your mouth but nothing comes out
What do you do, what do you tell her

You just stand up and shout without fear...

She's a bitch but I love her
Life's a bitch but I love her
Crazy bitch but I love her
Soo soo muchhhh........

(special thanks to the TV series "Ed" for the inspiration for that song)

"Hard rock cock"

I love cock - tada da da DA
Hard rock cock- Cada da da DA
My chastity is locked till I find some hard rock Cock-
Cada da da DA

Tie me down - Tada da da DA
Tear my gown- Da da da da DA
Fill me up
Do all of the above

Bada da da DA

I love cock - tada da da DA
Hard rock cock- Cada da da DA
My chastity is locked till I find some hard rock Cock-
Cada da da DA

"The porno man can"

MMMMMmmmm
MMMMMMmmmmm
MMMMMmmmmmmm
BUm bum bum

Porno porno porn porno- porno porno porno porno

Hump hump

When something on the night goes

Bump Bump

You can be sure its a

hump hump

Porno porno porn porno- porno porno porno porno

Hump hump

Come on children sing and smile

Cause I am gonna do your mama

Doggy syle

Porno porno porn porno- porno porno porno porno

Hump hump.


"Hart-beat"

You are my heart I tell you this with true emotion'
You pump blood into my penis and give me an erection.

You are my heart
my kidney
my small intestine
I love you more than Isrealits love palestine

I love your mind
your soul
I love your face
Oh honey come to me lets interface

I love your face
Your soul
I love your mind
Before you go just tell me if
you like it from the front or behind

You are the key to my lock
The body tomy soul
you are the key to my heart
The hole to my pole

You give me love
you give me hope
you give me life

You give me love
you give me faith
you give out more than my wife

No matter class
No matter religion
no matter race

I dont care about anything
as long as you make me
wet in my special place

You are my heart, I tell you this
you are my core
You are my heart, I tell you the truth
You are a cheap whore.



"Lego love"

Cause I love you like lego
and I just cant lego
Cause I just cant lego

Hmmmm hmnmnmn

I know our love is on the rocks
Lets get back to its building blocks.
Hear my voice my echo
Cause I love you like lego(c)

Marry me, it will be grand
hmm hmnn
We can honeymoon at lego land
Dont go dont leave me in pain
Lego prices are insane.

Hmmm hmnnn

Cause I love you like lego
hmmnn hmmm

I are my chicken tikka
Lets make our loves giant lego replica.

hmmm hmnnh

Cause i love you like lego.



One day You might her recordings of these songs, but for that band member Azmi has to return from his solo tour of America

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