The Da Vinci code movie recently became the 10th highest grossing movie of all time. I personally believe the movie could have done much better if they made a few changes in it, a few tweaks here and there to make the movie more suitable to wider audiences. Here’s a list of things they should have done.
- Add more sex
- Have a more bankable lead star- replace Tom hanks with Mithun
- Add songs and dance
- Add a romantic comedy angle
- Add more sex( as a matter of fact make it porn)
Keeping these changes in my mind I present to you my own version of Da Vinci code
The Da Vinci Load
Our story starts with professor long-john giving a symbology speech in
Screen cuts to the Louver- the curator- played here by Monica Beluchi (I know she is not French but as long as she is a hot foreigner it doesn’t matter) is being chased by an albino man. She runs in slow motion in true Baywatch style- she gets shot (using a gun that is) - so she does what any woman in her position would do- she strips (again in slow motion) and spreads eagle on the floor.
Screen cuts to the symbology conference the cops come in and ask Long-john to come with them as there has been a murder in the Louver. Lang- John refuses to go with them until the cops show him the picture of the naked curator- Long-john zips up and zooms out to the museum.
Being the perfectionist that he is Long-john examines every inch of the curators’ body for clues than does it again in case he missed something. The French police officer shows the professor the cryptic message the curator had left before dying to her death. The code reads D3669.
This is when the hot French woman playing the role of Sophie NoBrain, the famous police cryptologist barges in, she like all hot French women is wearing a French maids outfit. She surreptitiously hands long-john a visiting card which has a 1 900 number ($2.99/minute + tax) scribbled on it. Wasting no time he calls it to hear NoBrain’s voice telling him, to not make any expression of alarm and come meet her in the ladies restroom.
Prof. Long-john, used to such urgent encounters with strangers in rest rooms, hurries to the meeting place making some excuse to the Captain, after all seeing the curator that way has set off all sorts of thoughts in his head. But no- Things are quite different.
NoBrain warns him of the grave danger Prof Long-john is in. The French captain had not brought him in as an advisor but as the prime suspect. They have no intention of letting Long-john walk out of the museum unarrested. Because there is something Long-john does not know–a line that curator wrote which the police have wiped away before he came.
It said “I need Long-john”
It said “I need Long-john badly”.
Professor Long-john smiles slightly. He had deduced the curator’s intentions long ago—this was merely a confirmation. After all who did not “need” him?
NoBrain, no mean cryptologist tells Long-john her interpretation of the symbols with wide-eyed wonder.
“Sir, 3, 6 and 9 are in Arithmetic progression. Also 3 + 6= 9. 666 means the devil and we all know that 9 can be read as 6. Also “d” can also be looked upon as 9 after some transformation geometry”.
Long-john is willing to have nothing of it.
He replies thatshe is all wrong and corrects her by saying “d3669 actually should be read as 36d and 69—-the only two alphanumeric concepts he or the hot curator could have known. That plus the “I want Long- John” and everything made sense.
Long- john now speaks his mind “Enough talk. Now give me a kiss”
NoBrain smiles coyly: “But sir, the French police”.
Long-john says:” Use your brain. Cops- A lovely lass. Hero needs to make a get-a-away.”
NoBrain gets the message. Soon she starts dancing a seductive number, after a costume change. Two backup dancers repeating “Sha la” emerge from the shady nooks and crannies of the Louvre —one is called Mona and the other, yes you guessed it, Lisa. More follow. The French police are lost in music and lust and Long-john escapes through the window.
And so begins the most intellectually stimulating part of the movie where the Professor, Sir JavaBean and Nobrian try to decipher the reason why the Professor and NoBrain are being pursued. What deadly secret have they stumbled upon? —a secret so explosive that it could eject a load. A secret so explosive it can shake the foundations of humanity, chastity and tities in general.
Can you break the code.
2 comments:
Tities are not humble concepts of existence to be subjected to mishandling. They are gentile and sensitive. Please do beware of the audiences attitudes towards such audacious behaviour.
ooh ooh, when is the book commin out? cant wait for the movie!
alas the intellectual porn!
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