To die for

We have all contemplated suicide at some point of our lives. You have all have had wild fantasies about topping yourself. You might have even gotten very close to doing it. At the age of puberty suicide is the second most popular pass time after popping pimples.

I know you have wondered about taking pills or jumping of from your window and I also know you didn’t do it because you saw hope. You figured there is still hope.

Fear and hope are the same thing.

I of course was determined to finish off with my life. My reasons for killing my self might not be the most reasonable. But talk to the hand cause the body is dead. I wasn’t killing my self because I had reasons for doing so, I was killing myself because I had no reason to live. That has to count for something right?

I mean you hear it all the time, on TV and stuff- the guy goes I cant live without you. That’s a pile off bullshit. The truth is the exact opposite. You can live without them, what you cant do is die without them. No one wants to die alone and unloved.

So I guess what I am saying is- people should say- Don’t leave me I cant die without you. Then they should top themselves off Make it easier for everybody- you know, that way everyone’s happy and the person can leave without a guilty conscience.

I made a list ways to kill my self, you know what I am talking about. I am sure you have all made mental lists that look similar, well if you could look at mental lists that is. Mental lists cant be seen, that’s kinda the point of it being mental. Things would be easier if we could get mental printouts. Maybe if I ont kill myself I can invent one of those.

Naaa- no hope for me

Anyway- here is a copy of my mental list.

1- Take pills/ NO (To many chances of surviving)

2- cut wrists/ NO (will probably hurt too much)

3- Hang self/ NO (too clichéd)

4- Shoot self/ NO (too expensive)

5- Stick head in oven/NO (too emo)

6- Jump from a tall building/ NO (afraid of heights)

I guess I wouldn’t mind sticking my head in an oven- it’s the easiest of the lot but I don’t think I am allowed. You have to be a particular kind of depressed to do that. The kind of depressed that only artist can be. You have to be creative like a writer or a singer or a painter or a mime. Well maybe not a mime- but I am all for mimes sticking their heads in ovens. Not a big fan of mimes.

Maybe I should just take pills- that’s a death worthy of me. It’s the kindof death that pretty much summarizes my life. Its nothing fancy really, like hanging yourself. Its very simple and you know unlike the other things there are no scars and things- I don’t want to die looking bad, No scars and stuff, Internal death for my internal pain. That would be quite a metaphorical death. But I doubt people will think about the metaphor of my death.

They will probably think I am a wuss for doing myself in like that- Don’t want that, people have been thinking I am a bit of a wuss all my life. With death I want an image make-over. Kinda like the other extreme of extreme make over.

I want to go out with a bang- so I am just going to face my fears and jump of a building- it can’t be that bad can it

To Fly before I die.