hysum says...

Wise words from Hysum [the new age Confucius]

Woman can use sex to get what she want, man cant do that becuase sex is what he want.

Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.

Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent

If ground be the sky, then when you walk you fly

When lady say no, she mean maybe, When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say yes--she no lady!

"Finger lickin good"

The following is a public service message

To make my blog a little more socially relevant I have decided to write a post like this one. As humans we have a responsibilty and I for one am not going to shy away from it... I am just kidding, KFC keeps chickens in inhuman conditions and treats them sadistically but thats not what this post is for. It’s for a bit of irony. Well more than a bit. Watch the video here.

The person doing the narration is Wham Bam Pam Anderson. In the course of the narration, she pours out 2 gems.

1. They (the chickens) are bred to be top-heavy.
2. Their (the chicken’s) weak legs cannot support their heavy chest.

Ahem….ahem……

"Finger lickin good."

The Indian Woody Allen.

The battle to breach the last border—the Oscar Awards continues for living legend Dev Anand with his latest directorial masterpiece–Mister Prime Minister. While the rest of the Indian movie industry continues submerging itself in a lala land of song, dance and romance Dev sahab, at the young age of 82, keeps on directing one realistic movie after another—whether it be the hard-hitting Censor (which laid bare the inner workings of the Censor Board), Love At Times Square (a love story set amidst the collapse of the Twin Towers) and his latest offering Mister Prime Minister ( a story of memory loss, earthquakes, political horsetrading, rap songs and navel-baring Al Qaeda operatives).

Dev Anand is universally acknowledged to be the greatest Hindi movie director alive today. Did I mention he is 82 years old? Yes I think I did. I must be getting senile.

Feisty as a 25 year old, his movies are still a huge hit with young and old alike.

What’s unique about Dev Anand is that he is the true embodiment of the Renaissance man—a modern day Da Vinci who can do everything. Do you remember Awwal Number—the “ahead of its time” movie from which movies like “the Rock” shamefully copied its plot from? For those of you too old to remember, Awwal Number was the movie which made Aamir Khan’s career. It was a story of a terrorist plot hatched by a disgruntled cricket player (Aditya Pancholi playing the role of Sourav Ganguly, the pissed-off superstar) being foiled by Dev Anand, who is, hold your breath—the coach of the team, the captain of the team and the commissioner of police all rolled into one.

One man, one post? Humbug.

Blending cricket, music, international intrigue, flying balloons and skirts Awwal Number remains a high water mark for Indian movies.

Then came one of his masterpieces circa 2001. Dev Sahab ran into trouble with the Censors during the production of “Main Solaah Baras Ki” (This “main” in the title, I found out, does not refer to Dev Anand because of the use of the feminine “ki”) —small-minded men and women who could never appreciate Dev Sahab’s dazzling camera work and out-there-stories. Rather than giving interviews and press releases, Dev Anand did what a true artist would do—he slapped them back using his creativity, exposing what really goes on inside the closed doors of censor meetings.

Using the famous “movie-inside-a-movie” approach and as mentioned by another reviewer the “Rashomon” technique of intertwined plots, Censor marks the high noon of Anand’s creative genius.

The story of Censor is about a celluloid masterpiece Aanewala Kaal directed by who else but Dev Anand (Vikramjit) which falls foul of the censor committee for its bold theme and gratuitous cleavage shots. In a casting coup that gives us a glimpse into Dev Anand’s supreme sense of irony—the Censor board consists of Mamata Kulkarni (yes you heard me right), the sozzled Jackie Shroff, Amrish Puri and Madam Rekha. Each of the censors have reasons for blocking the masterpiece—as an example, one of the committee members makes a lewd pass at Vikramjit which he being honest and upright (morally that is) naturally rebuffs.

Looking at it from the said censor’s point of view, imagine being rejected by an 80-year old. Naturally she takes it to heart and decides to kill Dev Anand’s baby ie the movie. [Sidenote: A lot of people have suggested that this “seduction by a member of the Censor Committee thing” is actually inspired by a real life incident faced by Dev Anand when he was 79. Related bit of trivia: Asha Parekh was the chairman of the censor board from 1998–2001.]

Meanwhile Miss Maggie (Archana Puran Singh), an Academy committee member, sees Vikramjit’s movie, smuggles it out of the country where it becomes a rage and snags two Oscar nominations. Needless to say, it wins all of them and even the Oscar of all Oscars (ie the greatest movie EVER) and Dev sahab gives a moving speech to the world which changes hearts all around. A proud moment for all Indians indeed—even though it takes place on film.

After “Censor” Dev Anand announced plans to make a movie on the shooting of the entire Nepali royal family by the crazed prince. That plan was shelved officially because Devji didnt want to do another Nepal movie (after Hare Ram Hare Krishna) but whispers went around that the crazed prince had brandished a gun at Dev Anand once he learnt that he had decided to do a movie on him. Instead Dev Anand made “Love At Times Square”—a romantic triangular love story set in the Big Apple ala Breakfast at Tiffany’s which had Dev Anand playing an Indian billionaire who donates money to Mayor Gulliani to rebuild a ravaged New York City. Woody Allen meets Clint eastwood.


Dev Anand had by that time moved onto greener pastures. He had become besotted by another idea–born out of his disgust with the political system. Mister Prime Minister was born. Essaying the role of the newspaperman in Bhuj (Johnny Master) and the billionaire tycoon (Prem Batra), Dev Anand gives the performance of a lifetime—busting an Al Qaeda operative masquerading as a “village shoeshine woman” , kissing a girl old enough to be his granddaughter…err make that granddaughter’s daughter , rapping away like 50 cents to the lyrics of “Missterrr Prime Ministerrrrr ha ha ha“(A must-hear), shaking his head like an out-of-control spring doll and true to form, keeping the camera on exposed navels and cleavages—just like any 82 year old who wears a black wig would do.

Here is the epic story of the film, a film with more twists than wrinkles on Mr. dev anands face.

Johnny Master [Dev Anand] is a well-read elderly person selling newspapers in a small, earthquake-ravaged, but now reasonably rehabilitated township in India. Johnny had in fact come out of the debris of the catastrophe after lying buried underneath for two days and nights.

The government declares elections. The residents of the township decide to form their own political party and make Johnny Master their chosen candidate for his forthright openness and honesty and his erudite educational background. They win hands down and Johnny becomes the people's elected representative in parliament.

However, his opponents in the elections join hands and have him kidnapped and subsequently tortured by their henchmen. In a very cruel and dastardly act of torture inflicted on him, Johnny Master regains his memory only to discover that he is Prem Batra, the richest Indian residing in England. And on the very day of his arrival, he had become a victim of the earthquake tragedy.

He declares his real self to the kidnappers, buys them over and goes back to England as Prem Batra, only to realize that he is also in a position to buy over the corrupt lot of politicians elected to parliament.

[Trivia sidenote: The name of the lucky girl who Dev Sahab kisses (she is his wife in the movie) is a PhD from Harvard (or so she claims) and was discovered by Dev Anand when he saw her in a Bendadryl commercial. Note to actresses who want to land a Dev Anand movie–get modeling assignments for medical products, Dev Anand will surely notice you then.

Dev Anand is a poor person, not having ample money to repair his torn shoes, but he carries a sleek mobile phone and suddenly wears designer outfits.More...

Being the great man he is he even manages to change the heart of a young female terrorist he does this by singing the rap song mentioned earlier the song works so weel infact that the terrorsist woman chooses Dev Anand over a young stud.


However India is short of people who know true cinema, so even though India has a more than a billion people When Mr Prime Minister was released, only one viewer turned up to see the movie first day first show. Just one.

And no, it was not Dev Anand. Because he was attending the world premier of the movie. Not in New York. Not in LA. Not in Paris. But in an ice-cream parlour in Ahmedabad.

Is he finished at 82? Will he hang up his hat? No sir. Dev Anand, who has said that his aim is to win the Oscars[the real one], gives a final shout out.

The matinee idol said he does not believe in blowing his own trumper, it is for the viewers to judge.

‘’If you like it, give a clap and smile. And, if you don’t, I’ll come back and produce another film on some contemporary theme”.

So go and watch “Mister Prime Minister” and give a clap and a smile. Else we shall all be responsible for the consequences.

Crystal Balls

Two weeks after the end of school a reunion took place. There wasnt much reuniting and everyone was pretty much the same. But reunion got me thinking where everyone will be ten years from now and so I present to you

THE FUTURE

Foxxy Lady

Ten years after her marriage with Arif, Foxxy lady resides in Kenya with her husband and 15 kids. Her husband is a good hunter and provider due to his vast experience in Kunt. After coming out of Kunt he works in the entertainment business. When not looking after her children or giving birth, Foxy lady does social work and is currently writing her second best-seller. The first book was what many believe is a social fantasy about her life in Cambridge.

Fabio

Now bald due to a series of unfortunate accidents with involving gum Fabio is married to the only other person who thinks "he is soo hot" the gender of this person is still unknown and undisclosed.

Fabio lives away from civilization because he has lost all hope in the world he created. Fabio lives on a Penguin ranch and spends his spare time playing video games and complaining. Lately he has been working as a fashion consultant on a new movie directed by Azmi.

Azmi

Now a big time movie director Azmi has just gotten a divorce for the seventh time, the two reasons for the divorce being-

1- He forgot to name her in his Oscar acception speech.

2- He forgot to sign the pre-nuptial agreement.

Azmi is currently working on the film version of Foxxy ladies best selling novel. He has just signed Hysum for a staring role.

Hysum

Happily married to a woman way out of his league. He is the father to a set of twin girls (Tangerine and Shama). At the age of 28 Hysum is rich and retired because obesity increased ten fold in the last ten years and the Bro's were a huge success. Acting part time Hysum is enjoying himself.

Toad

Now married to the prince of Nezapur she rules over a kingdom that has poverty, Aids, high crime the plague, child molesters, infertile men and natural calamities. All of these are Ofcourse part of her economic plan as they add a variety to the economy. Currently she is ruing the day she listened to Sabeel instead of Hysum ten years ago during the options evening. It is not all bad though, currently a friend of hers is writing a book on her called Da Lini code (the truth behind the toad princes)

Hobo

After a few run in's with the Law due his Homo erotically charged behavior. Still homeless The Hobo is now married to someone, When I tried to contact him to ask about the identity of his spouse I could hear nothing but what seemed to be the sound of penguins but I must be mistaken because the line was bad due to the fact that he lives somewhere away from civilization.

Note- The above is based on complete truth, only the names, descriptions and events have been changed.

The art of the pick up line. An art, if mastered can take a man to places no man has been before (or lately) (or a few hours ago) (They dont really care as long as they go there.)

The following is a list of pick-up lines.

The following are pickup lines that have been used by or on people I know.

- Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk past you again.

- Do you have a licence cause you are driving me crazy.

- Do you have a map? Because Honey, I just keep gettin lost in your eyes.

- Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.

- Are you Gillete, cause you are the best a man can get.

- You must be a light switch, because every time I see you, you turn me on.

- Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

- I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together

- You must be tired Because you've been running through my mind the whole day"

- Guy checks the tag in the girl's shirt and says: 'Thought so. Says Made in Heaven.'"

- Guy: Did it hurt?
Girl: Did what hurt?
Guy: When you fell from heaven?"


The following are lines I came up with myself, never used em but they are good.

- Your eyes are the same colour as my Porsche.

- You have nice legs, when are they open?'

- The voices in my head told me to come and talk to you!

- Kiss me if I'm wrong but do I know you?

- Either my pants just got tighter or something grew

Guy- Wanna go to my place, eat pizza and make love?"
Girl- a...no
Guy What's the matter? You don't like pizza?

The following three are from Tv
if you can guess which program you are entitiled to a prize*.

1- Hi, I am broke, unemployed and i live with my parents.

2- Would you rather be burned alive or drown to death.

3- I own a speedboat.

Adam and Eve

Late last year the class 12b1 were set to perform a play but 2 days before its debut it was scraped due to its controversial nature. The name of that play was Adam and Eve and for the first time ever its script is on the internet for the public to see.

Narrator

Segregation, at one time or another we have all been victims of it. The following play is the story of two men, Ahmed and Hysum, as they struggle against the shackles of segregation. Most of the events of this story are based on reality and are hormonal so viewer discretion is advised. Also all characters in this play are fictitious any resemblance to any one living or dead is purely coincidental.

[Scene- Three chairs in a row. Guy sitting in middle, a girl on both sides]

Narrator

Our story begins in grade six, just before segregation is put in to effect. It is at this time when boys first noticed girls.

[Scene- Boy looks towards his right then slowly looks to his left. Has a little

Smile on his face, then guy looks towards his lap. Smile grows.]

Narrator

Girls too began to notice boys.

[Same scene, guy is still looking at his lap. Both girls on his side turn their head

To look at guy. Expression doesn’t change then the girls look at guys lap they

They both have smiles on their faces. Girl on right puts hand on guys lap.

Audience can't see what's happening. Women removes hand from lap, has

Guys wallet in her hand. Smile grows]

Narrator

But girls noticed boys for a different reason. Years passed and the object of Hysum and Ahmeds affections were the two most popular girls in school. Hanna and Anna

[Scene- Two girls enter stage. Standing in the middle talking]

Hanna

Anna is that you, I haven’t seen you since… like forever. Where have you been?

Anna

Everywhere, I am invited to so many parties you know it's hard to go anywhere else. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so popular and hopelessly good looking. But its not my fault, I am like gods most beautiful creature. How come you aren’t at any of the parties? Are you like… not invited.

Hanna

No I am invited I just don’t go there cause all the guys there seem to mob me. You know its so hard going anywhere these days. Without getting asked out. Like just the other day that new guy asked me out, what's his name, you know the hunkie guy.

Anna

Brad asked you out. Get out, no freakin way. Brad and Hanna sitting on a tree…

Hanna

Oh Shut up sitting on a tree is…like so 2004.

Anna

So is your purse. Where did you get it from like 17^th century, you know from the 1970?

Hanna

Talk to the hand cause the face ain't listening.

Anna

With ears those big how can you not hear things?

[Both women frown and walk of stage in opposite directions]

Narrator

Hanna and Anna like all women liked to gossip. Ofcourse Ahmed and Hysum gossiped too.

[Scene- Ahmed and Hysum walk on stage]

Both guys

Wasssssupppppppppppppp

Ahmed

Did you see Hanna?

Hysum

[Makes nice rack action] yeah I saw Hanna. If you know what I mean.

[Both walk of stage smiling]

Narrator

Then one day during break-time.

[Ahmed and Hysum are on stage]

Ahmed

You wanna go watch a movie this weekend. Because Baywatch the movie just came out in the cinema's. They say its Bigger and better then the television show, as a matter of fact they used the same technology as THE MATRIX did to shoot the running scenes.

Hysum

No man I am not into those kinds of movies anymore. You know its like when you are kid and you like watching cartoons but as you grow up you would rather watch live action movies. It’s the same with me man, I am tired of watching the movies, now I want some live action. Forget about later what do you wanna do now.

Ahmed

Let's sneak of to girls' side and stare at some chic's just because they are girls and we are not allowed to look at them. After all, we are teenagers, give us violence and the sight of the opposite sex and we will do anything, no matter how mindless and stupid.

Hysum

Not now Mr. Abraham is looking this way.

Ahmed

How do you know?

Hysum

I know because his head is pointing at the other direction, which means he is looking here.

[The boys sneak of stage]

Narrator

Meanwhile at the girls' side the girls were sharing beauty secrets.

[Scene- Hanna, Anna and another girl are chatting]

Sally

So what you need to do is use talcum powder or Vaseline. Anyway I gotta go guys

Hanna

Yeah bye Sally and thanks for the shaving tips.

[Ahmed and Hysum enter and stand with the girls]

Hysum

I heard you broke up with your boyfriend.

Hanna

Yeah, it's been very difficult. I am in a very vulnerable state right now but I am glad we broke up because he was very shallow and inconsiderate.

Hysum

You won't have that problem with me, I am very mature. I think that beauty is only skin deep. If I cared only about beauty I wouldn't be talking to you.

[Hanna slaps Hysum]

Hysum

I was just joking you are very beautiful. I would do anything just to go out with you, anything at all. I am ready to pay you to go out with me. I will give you 500 Dhs if you go out to dinner with me and 500 more if you stay after dinner for a little desert if you know what I mean.

[Hanna slaps Hysum]

Hysum

What did you do that for, I gave you a fair price, I don’t even pay that much to professionals.

[The girls walk away]

Ahmed

That’s right walk away, these girls have so much attitude.

Hysum

Don’t blame them its not their fault, you see God gave some women brains they went on to be important people, god gave other women beauty these women went on to either become famous or live happily anyway. Then god made women without beauty or brains, instead he gave them attitude so that they would never find out they aren’t beautiful or smart, then god sent this third kind of women to Cambridge as a plague upon the boys.

Ahmed

I don’t care if they don’t have beauty or brains, as long as they are girls.

Hysum

Ah, you see God made three kinds of men, the first type are the once that are good looking, they are popular among women, hated by men. They end up mildly successful men thinking about the good old days, then there is the second kind of men, the one with brains, they prefer not to have anything to do with women, its cause they have brains. Then there is the third and most common type of man the desperate man. God made them and send as many as possible to Cambridge cause lets face it they are the only ones who will go after the girls of Cambridge.

Narrator

As the boys went back to their classes to discuss girls the girls too went back to their classes to discuss themselves.

[Scene- Three girls are the sitting on chairs and talking]

Sally

Did you see the dress Sara was wearing to the party? It was horrible, and so offensive.

Anna

No I couldn’t see the dress there was so little of it. Like why did she even have to wear that?

Sally

She wore it because if she didn’t she wouldn’t have anything to stuff. Ha, ha, ha. [snort]

Anna

Hey look there's Sara and she's crying she looks so depressed and flat that’s probably she used up all the tissue while crying. HAHAHA [snort]. Lets go talk to her.

[they leave]

Narrator

…Meanwhile the boys are hanging out in the corridors.

[Scene- Hysum and Ahmed are talking]

Hysum

I am gonna ask out Hanna.

Ahmed

Aren't you dating Sara?

Hysum

No man I dumped her.

Ahmed

Why? She was so hot

Hysum

Well after yesterdays party I walked her home and it turned out she wasn’t all the women I thought she was. You know, she was less then met the eye. Anyway I think I am in love with Hanna.

Ahmed

Love, like a mother loves her child

Hysum

No, love like Michael Jackson loves a child. I am going to ask Hanna out.

Ahmed

Okay lets practice, you pretend I am Hanna and ask me out.

[Ahmed stands while Hysum approaches]

Hysum

So Hanna, whatcha doin Thursday night, cause I was thinking of going to a movie and if you come along it would be great and all, plus I will buy the popcorn.

Ahmed

Sure I will go out with you and all cause that’s like so wicked.

Hysum

Yes! that’s all I have to do and she will say yes.

Ahmed

No dude, if she said yes that actually means no. You see girls always say the opposite of what they really mean. For example if a girl says yes, what she really means is I would rather kill my self with a fork. Or when a girl cries what she really means or atleast what she is thinking is "sucker, he falls for that one every time".

Hysum

So what do I need to do?

Ahmed

First of all when you go to her your pants have to be much lower then they are now.

Hysum

Why do I have to wear my pants low?

Ahmed

Cause then she thinks that you got something heavy in your pants, like a loaded wallet. Also bob your head as if there is music playing the background and walk like you really need to go to the washroom, with your feet close to each other. It makes you look really cool.

[Hysum shows Ahmed how its done]

Hysum

Okay, what else do I need to do.

Ahmed

Compliment her hair. Do not ask if that is her real hair colour. Do not stare at her chest. Do not ask if they are real. Never ever involve the word fat in your conversations, she will take it the wrong way, as a matter of fact do not even say words that rhyme with fat, she will think you are trying to imply something. Do not say she is too thin either cause then they think you are making a comment on their figure. Never ever say what you are thinking, as a matter of fact try not to think at all and finally if she asks if you notice anything different always nod your head and agree, then get out of there as soon as possible because most of the time the different thing you are supposed to notice is something very small like a new colored nail polish or one less pimple on the face. And believe me, you wouldn't know whats different if you were a mind reader but that’s probably cause when you are reading her mind all you will hear is ME,ME,Me,Me and remember do not compliment or talk about any other girl in front of her.

Hysum

That’s a lot of things to remember.

Ahmed

As long as you do all the things I told you, you should come of out of there alive.

Hysum

Thanks man, I am gonna go for it.

Ahmed

Good luck.

[Ahmed walks of stage like Hysum showed him]

Hysum

You don’t have to walk like that now. Only when the girls are around

Ahmed

No man, I really need to pee.

[Both of them walk offstage]

Narrator

For Ahmed the moment of truth had come, he was finally going to ask out the woman of his dreams, what kind of dreams I don’t think I am allowed to discuss in public.

[Scene- Hysum walks over to Hanna]

Hysum

So Hanna, You look different, is it cause you don’t have pimples anymore. Nice hair it doesn’t make you look at all fat. Not that I am saying you are thin, you are pretty well built, by well built I don’t mean like a man I am just saying that you are a little big boned, are those real. Would you go out with me on Thursday night, I will buy you popcorn, not that I am saying you need to eat popcorn and gain weight cause you are the perfect weight, Compared to your friends, who I have not been looking at.

Hanna

Its very sweet of you but I am busy on Thursday. I gotta a date with your friend Ahmed. He was so cute when he asked me out he just comes and he tells me "So Hanna, whatcha doin Thursday night, cause I was thinking of going to a movie and if you come along it would be great and all, plus I will buy the popcorn" isn’t he adorable.

[Hysum is shocked when a guy comes in]

Rohan Roberts

Guys, you know you are not supposed to be talking, Ahmed get out of here.

Hysum

But sir this is the boys side she should be leaving.

Rohan Roberts

I don’t care Ahmed, you leave now. Don’t push it.

[Ahmed leaves in a hurry]

Rohan Roberts

So Hanna, how you doin? You know there is a great movie on Thursday.

Hanna

Sir I have plans for Thursday

Rohan Roberts

Hanna you are pushing it, don’t push it.

Hanna

Push what sir?, I don’t understand what you are talking about. I am so sensitive, I couldn’t push anything if I tried. Unless you are trying to say I am fat. Is that what you are trying to say.

[Rohan Robert leaves in a hurry, Hanna leaves the stage to.]

[Ahmed is on stage and Hysum enters]

Hysum

You stole my girlfriend, I don’t believe it my best friend and my girlfriend.

Ahmed

She wasn’t your girlfriend.

Hysum

We can't let a girl come in between our friendship, so just be a good friend and let me have her.

Ahmed

There's only one way to settle this, a dance showdown.

Hysum

Yes I agree, no wait what? Why a dance showdown that doesn’t make any sense

Ahmed

Oh you see I am a very good dancer and we needed to get that into the class play somehow.

Ahmed

Okay then, Wednesday, after school in the auditorium be there.

[They both leave on opposite sides of the stage]

Narrator

The rumor of the ultimate dance showdown had spread. The school had made It an official tournament. They called a host and special star judges. The board was set, the pieces were moving, the greatest battle of our time was about to begin.

[Scene empty stage except for three chairs, Dweiki enters

Dweiki

Welcome I am Dweiki and I am going to host tonight's show. Before we begin I take the pleasure of introducing you to our respected judges. Our first judge for tonight is his highness Sheik Mohamed Bin Nayan bin Mohammed bin Ali bin Hassan Bin Eid Traditional restaurant Bin… it’s the Sheik with his two brand new wives.

[Sheik enters with wife, Sheik sits while wife's stand on each side on each side]

Dweiki

Our next guest is our very own Mr. Abraham

[Abraham enters and sits next to sheik]

Dweiki

We have all seen our third guest on your T.V and computer screens before but now its time to see her in living colour, that’s right no night vision its Paris Hilton.

[Paris Hilton enters and takes a seat]

Dweiki

Standing to my right is Ahmed the favorite to win this competition and standing to my left is Hysum the guy who is definitely going to lose. Before we start lets have a word with our judges, your highness why don’t you start.

Sheik

Yes… no word, hurry. I am in hurry, you see in one hour I have attend my 48^th wedding. Then I have to go see my 78^th child, he just born.

[Wife whispers something in Sheiks ears]

Sheik

What another one? When did that happen? Okay, okay, I am sorry 79^th child. I have to meet 79^th child.

Dweiki

Okay then, Mr. Abraham is there something you would like to say.

[Abraham is looking towards sheiks wife and talking to Dweiki]

Abraham

Yes, I would like to say that…

Sheik

Why you staring at my wife. [Slaps Abraham]

[Abraham Looks towards Dweiki]

Abraham

I am not staring at your wife.

Sheik

Who said you staring at his wife

Abraham

This reminds me of a funny story…

Dweiki

Sir no offence but your stories aren't funny, they are just corny.

Abraham

You don’t know anything I have been in this school for more then a decade and a half. So you don’t tell me what's funny and what's serious.

Dweiki

Yeah you been the vice principle for so long. How come you are not principle yet?

Abraham

Yes, Yes. Lets just get on with the show.

Hilton

Yes, like that’s hot.

Dweiki

Okay then, let the competition begin.

[Dance competition takes place, Ahmed Kicks Hysums A**]

Dweiki

The competition is over and the results are in the winner of the competition is Hysum

Ahmed

What that doesn’t make sense; I was so much better then him. How come he won

Hilton

Dude don’t you like watch movies, the black guy never wins. That’s hot.

Hysum

I am the best, I am the best, I win, I win I am the best. Hanna where are you I am coming for you. Hanna? Where is Hanna?

Dweiki

Oh Hanna, she's not here she went on a date with Rohan Roberts.

Ahmed

What isn’t he married. Why is he going on date?

Sheik

This Rohan Roberts sounds like he a ladies man. I like, I like.

Hysum

I am sorry I let a girl come between our friendship. You can have Hanna I am going to try to get Paris. She's hot and refreshing, she's like polo you know a mint with a hole

Ahmed

No man, you keep Hanna, Paris is mine.

Paris

You guys fighting over me, that’s so hot. You know what you can both come, with me.

[They both follow Paris offstage]

Narrator

Our heroes might have lost the battle but they won the war. Next year they graduated year eleven and went on to grade 12. In grade 12 there was no segregation but nor where there women worth looking at. This story has many morals like do not fight with your friends and Ummm… etcetera but the most important moral of all is this "Keep your woman away from Rohan Roberts." Thank you I hope you enjoyed our show and if you didn’t frankly my dear I don’t give a damn.

More musings

I woke up today and had absolutely no idea what to do. I would normally go to school or do something around the house but I am done with the school I went to for 14 years and I have moved out of the house I have lived in my entire life. I feel homesick for a place that doesn’t exist anymore. They say you don’t know what you have till you lose it, in my case I knew exactly what I had, I just didn’t know I was going to lose it.

So I was lying in my bed thinking I didn’t know where I was or where I was heading in life after carefully analyzing my life for the past hour I have come t the conclusion that I am at the stage in my life in which I don’t know here I am or where I am heading.

Being the guy that I am my thoughts drifted to women and some things I don’t understand about them.

- The think to much understand nothing

- They say nothing mean everything

- The say everything but mean something else

- They mean something but do the exact opposite

- Their life is tangled up but their hair is always set straight

- They like you too but you have to make the first move

- They eat your head out and then ask if they are getting fat

- They call every other girl a slut just cause she has got a bigger rack

- They might forget about the love but they never forget the "anniversaries"

- They love everything about you but they would love you more if everything about you was different.

If anyone has any explanations please feel free to tell me.

The following post is a introduction to the great bollywood actor Mithun Chakraborthy. The greatest actor in the history of the world. A buxom lady is going to have the shoulder of her blouse torn by a bunch of marauding ruffians. Suddenly, a bottle rolls on the ground and a Man enters the screen. The ruffians ask “Who are you?” In a voice that would make the blood of tigers run cold (old jungle proverb), He says:

“Dikhne me bewada, daudne me ghoda, aur maarne me hathoda hoon main”

(I will translate but it will lose its effect in English)

[I look like a drunk, I run like a horse but I hit like a hammer]

The man. The legend. Mithun Chakraborty. Some call him Mithun-da, most call him Prabhuji [Godman].

Mithun-da is one of my idols. I will go even further and say He is my God. I believe in Him. And like any fanatic, I am extremely impatient with some people who laugh at Him, compare Him unfavorably to Amitabh and Shahrukh Khan just because He is supposedly “down market”. I think these people should rot in Hell with 72 virgins. 40 year old male virgins that is.

Also like any true-blue fanatic, I would like to spread His word, increase His flock and hopefully salvage many Mithun-less souls. For those who come to scoff, I hope, that after reading this rather lengthy post (the word of God is never concise—The Bible, the Koran, the Gita are not small books), you shall stay to pray.

Or at least say :” Hayeeeeeeeeeeeee Saalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”

[The above is his trade mark opening shout]

Unlike Amitabh and Shahrukh and all the other false Gods, Mithun-da delivers. Week after week He delivers hit after hit. And the people whom He cares for, the people who worship Him are not the multiplex-going-Western-culture-aping-Godless-apostates but real Indians—-the villagers, small towners, the sons of the soil—the Jawan and the Kisaan, who flock to see His movies in Mithun temples—-small, stuffy, dilapidated cinema halls with creaking torn seats, insects, peeling paint and the all-permeating stench of sweat and urine.

Mithun-da is versatile. No living actor has essayed as many diverse roles as He has which include (but are not limited to)—a tribal caught in the headlights of exploitation (Mrigaya), a disillusioned freedom-fighter (Tahader Katha), Ramakrishna Paramhansa (Ramakrishna Paramhansa), a ventroquilist (Gudiya), a pimp (Dalal), an army general ( Military Raaj), a Coolie in an airport (Gunda), a drunk ruffian (Prem Pratigya), an assassin (Jallad), a Tamil coconut seller (Agneepath) a boxer (Boxer), a Bengali (Bengal Tiger), a teacher (Krantishetra), a disco dancer (Disco Dancer, Dance Dance), a truck driver (Truck Driver Suraaj), a police officer (Jung), a detective (Lucky), an international terrorist (Baba Sikander in Elaan), a false man of God (Dance of Love) , a Sardar (Tusi Great Ho Paazi) and not to forget his donning the mantle of the Indian James Bond—Gunmaster G9 (actual name:Gopinath) in Suraksha and Wardaat.

A word about Mithun-da’s Bond avatar. It’s one of this century’s biggest tragedies that so few people know about our Desi Bond– G-9 . While he may not have worn exquisitely tailored suits or sipped Dom Perignon below 38F, Mithun-da is the only Bond to have group danced with a gaggle of buxom ladies in skin tights.

G9 may not have tangoed with Blofeld and the SMERSH but he had his hands full with Dr. Shiva of the evil Shiv Shakti Organization. And let me remind you, in all his battles G9 came out with flying colors—saving the world from death rays (Suraksha) and invading locusts (Wardaat) while grappling with a futuristic bionic villain, enhanced with bio-mechanical implants at the nano level (in the movie, the villain had calculators strapped to his hands).

Talking of villains, in almost all movies Prabhuji has tackled the scariest villains ever seen on screen. In other words, the scum of the earth as represented by the lusty Bulla, the confused Chutiya {fecker], the imperialist Sam, the foul Pothey, the dark Kala Shetty [Black shetty played by an African)], the hapless Lucky Chikna [Lucky oily], the sly Ibu Hatela [Ibu Retarded], the politically well-connected Lamboo Ata {tall flour] and the fearless Ballu Bakra {Ballu goat] . Each of these accursed souls have been dispatched to their maker by Prabhuji with style and panache as exemplified in the dialogue he delivers to Ibu Hatela :

“Main tumhe Hatela se Katela bana doonga”

[I will change you from hatela to cut-ela]

If the names of these devils have not made you understand what Prabhuji was up against, here are dialogues from two of them:

“Mai jis gali se guzarta hoo waha bachcha paida hone se pehle durrkar maa ke pet me susu kar deta hai!!” (Loha)

[In the streets I walked past, in those streets people are so scared that before kids are born they pee in there mothers womb]

and a similar sentiment:

“Hum aise laashen bicha denge jaise kisi nanhe munhe bacche ke nunhi se pesaab tapakta hain—tap tap” ( Gunda)

[Bodies will fall like droplets of piss from a childs dick]- What a great simile, got to use that in my next literature exam.

But Prabhuji is not all about dispatching the bad guys. He knows how to have fun. And whenever the villains are not around, He likes to dance and frolic. A few of His memorable songs —” Char Gya Upaar Re” (Dalal) {It has climbed on me], “Mirchi Re Mirchi Kamaal Kar Gayee, Dhoti Ko Pharke Rumaal Kar Gayee” [ chili yes chili has performed a miracle, it has torn my pants and made it a hankercheif] (Jurmana), “Main Loongi Uthaake Tumhe Disco Dikhati” [I will put up my lungi and show you my disco] (Agneepath), De de de chummi chummi (Janta Ki Adalaat) come come kiss me kiss me, Main Tera Murga (Hitler) [ I am your hen], Daakiya Babu Daku Hain Pakka [untranslatable]….the list needless to say is endless.

Not only is Mithun-da India’s greatest actor and superhero, He is a very keen businessman. And a visionary to boot. If Henry Ford revolutionized the automotive industry in the early 20th century with the use of the “assembly line”, Mithun-da has done something similar with movies. Sick and tired of Mumbai’s loss-making film industry, He started an alternative center for high-quality yet money-making movies in beautiful Ootie with his hotel (the flagship of the Monark group of hotels which he owns) serving as the base of operations. Movies are efficiently produced within two weeks—from conception to the finished product. No expensive foreign shoots, no production delays and in general none of the needless flab that has made Bollywood a loss making endeavor.

Mithunda has truly productized movie-making by creating a baseline movie framework that can be efficiently re-used for multiple offerings—-the baseline plot is –Mithun-da is an honest man, His father gets killed, His sister gets raped and then He takes revenge. As simple as that. Of late He has started playing the villain but usually what I mentioned before is the skeleton of almost all His movies. With the base structure in place, each particular movie then can be looked upon as an instantiation of this general framework—–as a researcher into formal software design I can only marvel at His godly genius.

Like many geniuses, Prabhu-ji’s greatness has not been appreciated. While duds like Shahrukh keep on getting one Filmfare after another for crappy lovefests, Mithun-da has to be content with measly “Best villain” awards. BS I tell you ! And His greatest movie, “Gunda” [Goon] surely deserved the Oscars much more than that monstrosity “Titanic”.

Just like Spielberg plagiarized Satyajit Ray’s script to make ET, countless number of Hollywood hotshots have shamelessly copied from the holy texts without so much as a hat tip.

Mithun-da’s movie “Boxer” was an inspirational story of how a no-hoper becomes a champion boxer—with his coach being a monkey whom Mithun-da feeds bananas. Stallone lifted the concept for “Rocky” (sans the monkey—that would have been a giveaway) and the song “Eye of the Tiger” is nothing if not an implicit acknowledgement of having copied from the real Bengal Tiger.

In another movie “Aajgar” Mithun plays a Shaolin monk who learns some amazing move with his hands—he does not even need to touch the villains—they fall nonetheless on account of his knowledge of the “force” (wink wink—sound familiar?).

And then in another movie, he suspends himself mid air and kicks the enemy in super slow mo—–yes the precursor of “Matrix” which incidentally should have been called “Mithun Tricks”.

In the movie “Panther” (or it could have been “Cheetah'’) He plays the role of an assassin who is coming out of a state of amnesia. Bourne Identity anyone?

Finally, his movie–”Agniputra”. In that, the villains have kidnapped his mother and sister and the villains gloat over the mother’s dead body. Suddenly the mother gets up and starts bashing the villains to pulp. Then the “mother” removes her mask—it is Prabhuji ! In the audience must have been Tom cruise – Mission Impossible anyone.

Another thing that pains the Man is how many of His physics-defying antics have been appropriated by Rajanikant. Now all Mithun-bhakts have respect for Rajni but surely, splitting a bullet into two with a knife and killing 2 villains with one bullet was first done by Mithun-da in the movie “Heera” where He gave the line :” Mere naam hain Heera, chakoo se bullet ko cheera”.

[My name is heera, with knifes I can cut bullets]

In a similar situation, I once remember Mithun-da running when a villain fires a bullet. What follows is a breathless chase—bullet flying, Mithun-da running, bullet flying, Mithun running. Then when the bullet is gaining on Him, Mithun-da suddenly steps aside and the bullet passes Him by a whisker. Only then does He realize the bullet is going to hit His widowed mother. Now it is Mithun running, bullet flying, Mithun running, bullet flying. And at the last moment, He grabs the bullet and saves His mother.

Simply divine.

I could go on about Him—how He coined the term Disco (which in case you did not know is an acronym with D=dance, I=item, S=singer, C=chorus, O=orchestra–source “I am a Disco Dancer” from “Disco Dancer”), how He has a massive fan following in Russia, how He was the highest tax payer in India and how He inspired India’s 21st century economic prosperity with the inspirational line “Agar tujhe halwa khana hain, to tujhe dance karna parega. Dance dance” [If you wanna eat sweets, then you have to dance, dance dance] —-but I shall leave that for now.

Can you feel the love?