MURDER I WROTE

I have been reading the newspaper lately and what do I see murder. Everybody seems to be doing it- but that’s not what gets me enraged- what really gets me angry is the fact that everybody seems to be getting caught. The prisons are full of people, way too many of you people have been arrested for murder lately and frankly I am ashamed. If this generation is going to have a chance in hell of surviving in today’s brutal DNA-evidence-laden world, we’re going to need to learn from the mistakes of murderers of yore and actually pull off a murder or three without leaving an evidence trail so obvious that it would be harder to catch you if you left your business card. I’m sick of all this idiocy. People have been murdering people for tens of thousands of years and we don’t know how to do it by now? There’s no reason to get caught here, people. If you want to get away with murder- here is what you need to do.

RULE NUMBER ONE- Victim

Before committing a murder it is necessary to have a victim, murder is a self gratifying act but unlike the other self gratifying act it cannot be done without another person. Jack the ripper never got caught, why, he choose his victims carefully. His victims were all prostitutes and prostitutes all fall into the Preferred Victim category for the following reasons: they are easy to abduct and lure into poorly lit areas, they can be gone for more than a few days before anyone bothers to report them missing and they are typically light and easy to carry. Considering prostitution is a thriving industry in Dubai a victim shouldn’t be hard to find. It is now integral to follow the next step.

RULE NUMBER TWO- MOTIVE

The next step in getting away with murder is simple, motive- make sure you have none. Only murder people you barely know for reasons no one can understand. Is there is absolutely no reason for you to murder the grocery lady kill her, she’s your gal. Don’t murder people who make you mad or inflict pain upon you

RULE NUMBER THREE- WITNESS

Thirdly- leave no witnesses. Make sure no one is looking when you kill. This can lead to arrest and conviction that would go against the whole idea of getting away with murder.

RULE NUMBER FOUR

Once you have found a victim who you have no motive to kill and you have taken them to a deserted place with no witnesses. You may kill the person, how to do this is up to you. Guns are a popular choice but something more creative is always more fun.

Furthermore- what ever weapon you choose, destroy it once you are done. This something a lot of people tend to forget to do. It is of utmost importance that the murderer does not throw the weapon in a lake near by or hide it in their pocket. After a murder is committed a weapon is a major liability. Please don’t be an idiot and try to sell or keep your weapon as memorabilia. Remember anything worth doing is worth doing right.

RULE NUMBER FIVE-BODY DUMPING

Following the murder, the murderer needs to get rid of the body. There is no end of quality places to hide the body. There are lakes, rivers, graveyards- miles and miles of desert. Hide the body there, people wont look for bodies in sand dunes. Do not leave the body where it was killed, don’t leave it on the highway or the trunks of your car, use the land that god gave you. Make the body disappear, no body, no murder, no hand cuffs and no dropping soap in the prison showers.

RULE NUMBER FOUR- CLEAN ESCAPE

And finally sweep the place for finger prints you might have left- if you did leave finger prints that pretty stupid because you should wear gloves and cover as much of your body as possible.

Get out of there as soon as possible and pretend nothing ever happened and you should be Scot free. Remember, murder is like anything else in life. It’s not very difficult, but it has to be done just right or you’ll end up in jail.