I'm back Bitches
As the above mentioned line very subtly implies I'm back.
With a bit of a bang, not of the gang variety.
I'm right now in the process of making a movie. A Love Story of sorts.
This isn't that movie. This is me with a camera at 5 am.
Enjoy it
and please please let me know what you think.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCrL5qPa004
Friday, November 13, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Made Redundant
Chapter two
I have to break up with her. Break up is such a harsh word, it makes us sound like we were fixed together, we were one and now we are two incomplete halves. They say if you cut a worm in half it grows back, thats probably why the breaker upper is referred to as a worm. I don't want to be a worm, I want to be referred to as a decent guy. Its so freaking hard to actually break up with someone, especially when the only reason you are breaking up is because you don't like her as much as you should. What the hell do you say to that? At least if you are cheating on her you have an excuse. How do you go up to someone who is smart, attractive, funny and has a great personality, how do you go up to them and say- I want to break your heart but I have no reason for it. Can I say, it's the recession- I am downsizing, we are going to have to let you go. I am going to have to break up with her, break up is such a harsh word. I am going to make her available.
And so I meet her. It's a coffee shop, I make sure she orders ice tea, just in case she decides to throw her drink at me.
"you know, I am gonna make this as quick and simple as possible. Not too quick of course cause you deserve more time and not too simple because its a complicated issue" (You know, before conversations like this. When you are practicing what you are going to say over and over again it always seems so perfect and then in the moment, you hear yourself and your tongue is dry, and everything you say is out of order and then they say something you did not expect. You know the other person in your head is always so helpful but in real life they are just sitting there with their ice tea waiting for loopholes in your perfectly scripted spontaneous conversation.)
"What i mean to say is we should separate ways, I want to make you available to other people" (okay good sentence, well articulated, listen to your head not the sounds of your stomach)
"You want to MAKE me AVAILABLE, what are you, my pimp- you take me for a whore"
"No, what I meant was, I think you and I should dissolve'
"Just be a man and tell me you wanna break up, you fucking asshole"
(at least I am not a worm) "I agree with what you just said"
That of course was the short version of the breakup. These thigns tend to go on for very long, I just wrote down the snappy, less painful version of it. On the brighter side she did not throw her ice tea at me but not I wish she did, since I paid for that over-priced thing if she threw it at me atleast I would be the one making use of it. Away she went anyway, a perfectly nice girl. I blame the movies. the movies have brought me up to believe that every girl who hates me is potentially the love of my life.
I have to break up with her. Break up is such a harsh word, it makes us sound like we were fixed together, we were one and now we are two incomplete halves. They say if you cut a worm in half it grows back, thats probably why the breaker upper is referred to as a worm. I don't want to be a worm, I want to be referred to as a decent guy. Its so freaking hard to actually break up with someone, especially when the only reason you are breaking up is because you don't like her as much as you should. What the hell do you say to that? At least if you are cheating on her you have an excuse. How do you go up to someone who is smart, attractive, funny and has a great personality, how do you go up to them and say- I want to break your heart but I have no reason for it. Can I say, it's the recession- I am downsizing, we are going to have to let you go. I am going to have to break up with her, break up is such a harsh word. I am going to make her available.
And so I meet her. It's a coffee shop, I make sure she orders ice tea, just in case she decides to throw her drink at me.
"you know, I am gonna make this as quick and simple as possible. Not too quick of course cause you deserve more time and not too simple because its a complicated issue" (You know, before conversations like this. When you are practicing what you are going to say over and over again it always seems so perfect and then in the moment, you hear yourself and your tongue is dry, and everything you say is out of order and then they say something you did not expect. You know the other person in your head is always so helpful but in real life they are just sitting there with their ice tea waiting for loopholes in your perfectly scripted spontaneous conversation.)
"What i mean to say is we should separate ways, I want to make you available to other people" (okay good sentence, well articulated, listen to your head not the sounds of your stomach)
"You want to MAKE me AVAILABLE, what are you, my pimp- you take me for a whore"
"No, what I meant was, I think you and I should dissolve'
"Just be a man and tell me you wanna break up, you fucking asshole"
(at least I am not a worm) "I agree with what you just said"
That of course was the short version of the breakup. These thigns tend to go on for very long, I just wrote down the snappy, less painful version of it. On the brighter side she did not throw her ice tea at me but not I wish she did, since I paid for that over-priced thing if she threw it at me atleast I would be the one making use of it. Away she went anyway, a perfectly nice girl. I blame the movies. the movies have brought me up to believe that every girl who hates me is potentially the love of my life.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Half a Million Thoughts
Chapter One
Sitting down on a computer- 11:42. She's an acquaintance of acquaintance of an acquaintance whose on my friends list. I first saw her on facebook and it was love at first site.
11:46- Friend request- She will accept me, she will accept me not, she will accept me.
Is it cheating if I'm in love with some else. Dating should come with expiry dates. That way we can throw em out before they go bad. Love depreciates with the number of orgasms I have, I think this is why older married couples stop having sex, to keep the love. Too late, I should leave Shama. I'm in love with every other girl who whose willing to give me time. I am hopeless and in love but am not hopelessly in love.
Am I a bad person. I don't put a question mark cause it's a rhetorical question. She loves me I love her not. Her love is rhetorical too. I met her at a party, it was a three part process.
Our Eyes Met
We Met
We Mate
Some fish Mate for life, they also have five second memories.
I have good memories of her, decent memories. I wonder if she will get over me, I am over her, even though we are still dating. I think boredom is a stronger feeling than Love.
12:04- Phone rings, its her ring tone. She has her own ringtone, her own nick name. She's like a jingle now, a way to advertise me, to make me more interesting to others. I am more interesting now cause I come with attachments.
I don't want to pick up the phone. I don't want to talk to her, what if I have nothing to say. I can't improvise life. I hope she thinks I'm sleeping. Still ringing. I'll have to pick it up but I'll make it short, cell phones give you tumors.
"Heylo, how are ya (can i keep the phone now) I was just sleeping, you know me, always sleeping (is it too early to keep the phone now). Can I see you tomorrow, I really miss you" (Women fake orgasms we fake enthusiasm)- oh yea you have that midterm, you should study (only ask for things she cant provide) Yea no I'm good- like I said I was sleeping ( I feel a lull coming, I should keep the phone now) I am going to have to keep the phone now I got knives in my eyes. Nite, me too, Mwwwaaaahhh"
Sitting down on a computer- 11:42. She's an acquaintance of acquaintance of an acquaintance whose on my friends list. I first saw her on facebook and it was love at first site.
11:46- Friend request- She will accept me, she will accept me not, she will accept me.
Is it cheating if I'm in love with some else. Dating should come with expiry dates. That way we can throw em out before they go bad. Love depreciates with the number of orgasms I have, I think this is why older married couples stop having sex, to keep the love. Too late, I should leave Shama. I'm in love with every other girl who whose willing to give me time. I am hopeless and in love but am not hopelessly in love.
Am I a bad person. I don't put a question mark cause it's a rhetorical question. She loves me I love her not. Her love is rhetorical too. I met her at a party, it was a three part process.
Our Eyes Met
We Met
We Mate
Some fish Mate for life, they also have five second memories.
I have good memories of her, decent memories. I wonder if she will get over me, I am over her, even though we are still dating. I think boredom is a stronger feeling than Love.
12:04- Phone rings, its her ring tone. She has her own ringtone, her own nick name. She's like a jingle now, a way to advertise me, to make me more interesting to others. I am more interesting now cause I come with attachments.
I don't want to pick up the phone. I don't want to talk to her, what if I have nothing to say. I can't improvise life. I hope she thinks I'm sleeping. Still ringing. I'll have to pick it up but I'll make it short, cell phones give you tumors.
"Heylo, how are ya (can i keep the phone now) I was just sleeping, you know me, always sleeping (is it too early to keep the phone now). Can I see you tomorrow, I really miss you" (Women fake orgasms we fake enthusiasm)- oh yea you have that midterm, you should study (only ask for things she cant provide) Yea no I'm good- like I said I was sleeping ( I feel a lull coming, I should keep the phone now) I am going to have to keep the phone now I got knives in my eyes. Nite, me too, Mwwwaaaahhh"
Sunday, February 08, 2009
The Secret to my Success
Are you depressed like the penis of an 80 year old man freshly out of a cold shower?
Is life treating you like a Nudist treats his cloths, throwing you off any opportunity he gets?
Does it seem like your friends care more about Ross and Rachel getting together than they care about you?
Do you feel like you deserve a better better half?
Are you taken for granted when you should be Hugh Granted?
Do you feel like your soul is bare feet?
Do you feel lonely like the sunrise when she finds out everyone is asleep even though just moments ago they were out partying?
Family does your understand less you you this than sentence understand?
If so then I want to tell you something
SUCK IT UP
that's right you heard me
SUCK THE FUCK UP
Cause you aren't the only one. That's right you aren't remotely unique, every single person in your age group has the same pathetic issues. All I have done is issued the issues on this issue of my blog. So suck it up.
But if you aren't willing to do that than well I got another solution for you. I call it 'the confidential' think of it as 'the secret' but with more syllables. You see for centuries rich, happy people have been keeping a secret one that could shake the very foundations of humanity (the foundations of humanity would be our legs- so I guess that's just a fancy way of saying it will make you weak at the knees). You too could know this secret, you too could be happy. I'll tell you what this secret is- but right after this commercial break...
Drink Pepsi- it will have big busted women want to have sex with you and then they will ask for more.
Use corn flakes- It will have big busted women want to have sex with you and you will get a free toy.
Spray of Axe- It will have big busted women want to have sex with you if you look like hot model in this advertisement.
Get life insurance it will have big busted women want to have sex with you but they are probably gold diggers.
Use Durex Condoms- If you meet big busted women want to have sex with you.
Eat chocolate- It will stop you from having sex with random men who show no other qualities but excessive eating, soft drink drinking and use of deodorant.
Welcome back after that commercial break. Now to the secret. But not so fast, lets first have a quick montage of all the things you could have after I tell you the secret.
*This video has been blocked by Bush*
And now its finally time for what you have all been waiting for- the big secret and the secret is...
DINGG
I'm sorry it looks like we are out of time but tune in next week for the next post where we will give out the 'THE CONFIDENTIAL'
Is life treating you like a Nudist treats his cloths, throwing you off any opportunity he gets?
Does it seem like your friends care more about Ross and Rachel getting together than they care about you?
Do you feel like you deserve a better better half?
Are you taken for granted when you should be Hugh Granted?
Do you feel like your soul is bare feet?
Do you feel lonely like the sunrise when she finds out everyone is asleep even though just moments ago they were out partying?
Family does your understand less you you this than sentence understand?
If so then I want to tell you something
SUCK IT UP
that's right you heard me
SUCK THE FUCK UP
Cause you aren't the only one. That's right you aren't remotely unique, every single person in your age group has the same pathetic issues. All I have done is issued the issues on this issue of my blog. So suck it up.
But if you aren't willing to do that than well I got another solution for you. I call it 'the confidential' think of it as 'the secret' but with more syllables. You see for centuries rich, happy people have been keeping a secret one that could shake the very foundations of humanity (the foundations of humanity would be our legs- so I guess that's just a fancy way of saying it will make you weak at the knees). You too could know this secret, you too could be happy. I'll tell you what this secret is- but right after this commercial break...
Drink Pepsi- it will have big busted women want to have sex with you and then they will ask for more.
Use corn flakes- It will have big busted women want to have sex with you and you will get a free toy.
Spray of Axe- It will have big busted women want to have sex with you if you look like hot model in this advertisement.
Get life insurance it will have big busted women want to have sex with you but they are probably gold diggers.
Use Durex Condoms- If you meet big busted women want to have sex with you.
Eat chocolate- It will stop you from having sex with random men who show no other qualities but excessive eating, soft drink drinking and use of deodorant.
Welcome back after that commercial break. Now to the secret. But not so fast, lets first have a quick montage of all the things you could have after I tell you the secret.
*This video has been blocked by Bush*
And now its finally time for what you have all been waiting for- the big secret and the secret is...
DINGG
I'm sorry it looks like we are out of time but tune in next week for the next post where we will give out the 'THE CONFIDENTIAL'
Monday, February 02, 2009
Between Now and Then
Think about this for a second; I want you to think back to your birth. There you were inside your mothers womb and you tore through, ripping up your mother. You pushed out and you came to life. That is the most amazing, the greatest thing you ever did and nothing you will ever do after that will match up to the sheer brilliance of it. You will never top that. You have already lived the best moment of your life and you dont even remember it. Life is all downhill after you are born.
Then there is death. You could do a million bazillion things right and it would mean nothing to no one but one mistake, by you, by any one and you could be dead. The odds are against you being alive. Every moment,e very second of your life is chance. The wheel of fortune, jeopardy; it's deal or no deal- death or no death.
You were born through a fuck and you are gonna die a fuck and the worst part is, no one gives a fuck.
Then there is death. You could do a million bazillion things right and it would mean nothing to no one but one mistake, by you, by any one and you could be dead. The odds are against you being alive. Every moment,e very second of your life is chance. The wheel of fortune, jeopardy; it's deal or no deal- death or no death.
You were born through a fuck and you are gonna die a fuck and the worst part is, no one gives a fuck.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Anosmia
I have been walking around I have noticed this new phenomenon. Every is dying their hair blond. I am not sure what it's about but I think it's supposed to be enticing in some way. I have only one thing to say to these people. Love is blind not Blond.
Of course Love may be be blind but what about it's sense of smell. Does love disregard stink. What is love? Many have pondered this question for centuries, including DR NAT KING COLE who said L is for the way you look at me O is for the only one I see. Though you will find many beli8evers and non-believers of DR Cole. He too disregards the idea of smell when it comes to love.
Those who have been in love will all agree that there's something about the way people smell. A person's smell can be intensely enticing. The nostril is facial clitoris.
I don't know about the birds but I do know that the bee's do it. They let out a smell that attracts a mate. I think its called, pheromones or something, again I am not sure I didn't do much research. The only research I did constitutes of going around smelling women. But as it turns out the smell is very important when we choose who to be with. We don't really know this, it isn't really conscience. I want to tell you is this
Take some time out of your day to smell the one you Love.
Of course Love may be be blind but what about it's sense of smell. Does love disregard stink. What is love? Many have pondered this question for centuries, including DR NAT KING COLE who said L is for the way you look at me O is for the only one I see. Though you will find many beli8evers and non-believers of DR Cole. He too disregards the idea of smell when it comes to love.
Those who have been in love will all agree that there's something about the way people smell. A person's smell can be intensely enticing. The nostril is facial clitoris.
I don't know about the birds but I do know that the bee's do it. They let out a smell that attracts a mate. I think its called, pheromones or something, again I am not sure I didn't do much research. The only research I did constitutes of going around smelling women. But as it turns out the smell is very important when we choose who to be with. We don't really know this, it isn't really conscience. I want to tell you is this
Take some time out of your day to smell the one you Love.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
the suicide kid
I have decided to take Sam's suggestion I shall now follow people such as Hitler into Naziness, I mean suicide. I have no will to live but I have written will for death. All my possessions will go to charity including my student loan bills, my bastard child and my court order for possession of drugs, as a matter of fact those are all my possessions.
You are probably wondering what drove me to kill myself, I was hopping it would be a cabbie but they are impossible to catch, extremely dangerous and oh so expensive, I mean if I was to run as fast as the metre on these cabs I would get there faster than the cab. So that is to say I walked into my own grave, figuratively speaking not literally. I am afraid of heights well I guess a grave is more depths but its kinda the depth from the ground so its heights. Its complicated really. I guess my mode of transportation is not all that important to you at all. Lets just gt back to why I killed myself.
There are many reasons- The first one of course is depression. No, I am not talking about being sad I mean the economy. We are in a depression and while I don't understand economics I understand people will be made redundant and while I dont totally understand what the word means I am gonna guess its re doing whats dun which we dant have to do. Simply put why re do what we dundant. I am also killing myself cause I am lonely but not in a cool way like the lone ranger but in a crappy way like RnB singers. I have no one just one gnome. A garden Gnome, I call him Grape. Cause I like Grapes [Note the G in Gnome is silent but the G in Grape is not]. I am killing myself because the girl I love doesn't love me back, she loves me front, me side and me top but just wont love me from the back. She says its very awkward. So now I am going to hang myself after which I will commit suicide. I am also killing myself cause I am filled with angst in my pants or are those ants. Eitherways its in my pants.
I want to die in a wholly original way. Lie no one has committed suicide. That is to say I have decided to die of old age. I mean you guys know life and lets face it- life is nothing but suicide in tiny increments.
You are probably wondering what drove me to kill myself, I was hopping it would be a cabbie but they are impossible to catch, extremely dangerous and oh so expensive, I mean if I was to run as fast as the metre on these cabs I would get there faster than the cab. So that is to say I walked into my own grave, figuratively speaking not literally. I am afraid of heights well I guess a grave is more depths but its kinda the depth from the ground so its heights. Its complicated really. I guess my mode of transportation is not all that important to you at all. Lets just gt back to why I killed myself.
There are many reasons- The first one of course is depression. No, I am not talking about being sad I mean the economy. We are in a depression and while I don't understand economics I understand people will be made redundant and while I dont totally understand what the word means I am gonna guess its re doing whats dun which we dant have to do. Simply put why re do what we dundant. I am also killing myself cause I am lonely but not in a cool way like the lone ranger but in a crappy way like RnB singers. I have no one just one gnome. A garden Gnome, I call him Grape. Cause I like Grapes [Note the G in Gnome is silent but the G in Grape is not]. I am killing myself because the girl I love doesn't love me back, she loves me front, me side and me top but just wont love me from the back. She says its very awkward. So now I am going to hang myself after which I will commit suicide. I am also killing myself cause I am filled with angst in my pants or are those ants. Eitherways its in my pants.
I want to die in a wholly original way. Lie no one has committed suicide. That is to say I have decided to die of old age. I mean you guys know life and lets face it- life is nothing but suicide in tiny increments.
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