The following are a few words that should be in the in the dictionary of everyone who knows me. This is mostly because I am working very hard on entering these terms into the dictionary. So lets begin...
Festicle- A festival of testicle, also known as guys night out.
Coke Choke- When someone says something particularly funny while you have a form of liquid in your mouth that you end up sending up your nose.
Craptrap- Either constipation or those moments of anxiety (eg- a first date or public speaking) when you really want to take a dump but cant.
Sleeping like a baby on Rufi's- sleeping for over 12 hours.
Hip-notism/ crack addict- You know those times when there's a guy and the top of his crack is visible and no matter how hard you try your eyes keeping inadvertently fixated on it.
Severe Infatuation- When a person you barely know tells you that hey love you.
QualiTITy or quanTITu- the eternal question of small real breasts or big fake breasts.
Assterbation- the act of figuratively talking out of your ass or masturbating the ass.
Going down on a girl- The female equivalent of sucking up.
Natural selection- The name that is given to a relationship where the guy and girl are no more together but still naturally behave like a couple because they are too used to being one.
Contracting companies- the best friend of the high maintainance girl you are going out with. She will help you take care of the girl friend.
The 38th minute lull- The part of the conversation where you are running out of things to talk about and begin to speak non-sense.
Dick magnet- The female equivalent of a chick magnet
Hair-a-kiri- A person who looks like a hot girl from behind due their hair but turns out to be an ugly dude.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
This thing, that thing
This thing, that thing
The guys
“That’s it, I am done, finished, done, done with women, girls, females, ladies, the opposite sex, I am done, that’s it finish, finito, done. No more; period Period PERIOD; that has to be it. It’s the only reason she would break up with me; it’s that time of the month. She bleeds, I break, BITCH.”
“Dude, calm down and just tell me what happened”
This is Adam and Jason, two guys, two average guys with the minds of average men. They think like average men and they talk like average men. Adam was in an average relationship. He was an above average kisser and had an IQ right in the middle of what was considered average.
The girls
“Oh my god he is such a bastard. You won’t believe what he did. I don’t know why I ever went out with him. You think you can change them but it’s just impossible to get them to listen.”
“That bastard I told you he wasn’t right for you right when I met him. What he do this time”
This is Elaine and Natalie. They are average women. Average in everyway Adam and Jason are. This is your average everyday story.
The guys
“I’m watching TV and she comes up to me. It’s frilly and black.
“Yea okay I get it. Just go on.”
“yea, whatever, it’s this dress. And she asks me about the dress. You know, she asks me what I think of it. And I tell her it’s nice. Kinda tight but nice.”
The girls
“I was wearing the new gown we got from Mango”
“Oh, which one”
“It’s dark grey one with a low cut collar and satin lining. It’s knee length and I got it at this sale. They were practically giving it away.”
“Oh wow, sounds beautiful. Is the sale still on?”
“No, it was one day only. And I got this on that day for Adam and my anniversary. And I try it on with the matching shoes and everything and I ask him how I look. He takes his eyes of the TV for a second and he says You're a repellently obese old hag upon whom I am compelled to heap insults and derision - depressingly far removed from the, 'stupid, squeaky, sLuty women,' who make up my vast catalogue of former lovers and to whom I might as well return right now as I hate everything about you."
“Oh my god what a bastard”
The guys
“All of a sudden she is offended because I don’t know what and she just walks away without saying anything, which I don’t mind. How much can these women talk?”
“At least you got to watch the game in peace. I mean what a game”
“That’s the thing. I missed it man. She came back and wanted to talk. She are always about the talking.”
“She made you miss the game? You’re definitely better off without her”
The girls
“I decide to give him the silent treatment. He hates nothing more than when I don’t talk to him. So I am just sitting not saying anything and he doesn’t say a word. You know those men and their pride. They will never apologize.”
“So he just sat there as if nothing happened?”
“Yea- he was watching something on TV. So I took the remote switched the TV off and went to my room and then he finally followed. He might be stubborn but he cant take it when I don’t talk to him. The silent treatment kills him.”
The guys
“She took the remote. She took the freakin remote”
“Dude, this woman is cruel. You just don’t separate a man from his remote”
“So I follow her to the bedroom to get the remote back and she begins to talk and she doesn’t stop. She is going on about communication and asks me if I am cheating on her and I don’t know what. I am just sitting there nodding my head and agreeing.”
“Good move”
“Exactly, that’s what I thought but then she asks if I love her and I say of course baby I love you”
“Oh wow, you said that. You must really like her”
“I do, she is quite something”
“Geez man, stop getting all emotional on me. You gonna make me barf”
The girls
“I don’t know if he loves me anymore, so I ask him and he says, get this, of course baby I love you”
“Ouch, cold.”
“I know, it’s never a good sign when they say baby”
“I wasn’t going to say this but Adam is always flirting with me every time we meet. I just don’t think he’s a nice guy”
“I noticed and the whole baby thing that was the final straw. I just stormed out of there. I am moving out”
The guys
“and she just stormed out. Just like that.
“What a bitch. She took the remote with her.”
“Enough with the remote thing man; my girlfriend just left me.”
“Where she go?”
“I don’t know, probably to Natalie’s place.”
“Whose Natalie?”
“Elaine’s best friend, I hate her. She’s always putting all these stupid thoughts in Elaine’s head”
The girls
“We have been living together for almost a year now and it doesn’t seem like Adam is willing to commit any further. I think it’s just best I moved out”
“He isn’t all that bad. Give him a chance. You can’t just give up on him.”
“I guess you’re right. I have wasted too much time on him to leave him now. I am going to go see him”
“Well, are you going to go see him wearing that?”
“Well, there is a sale a forever 21”
The guys
“Dude, I am going to marry her”
“Congratulations man”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I am going to do. I am going to get going man. I am going to ask her to marry me right now”
“Now?”
“Yea, now”
“Well, it’s almost time for the game”
“Now?”
“Yea, now”
“Well, I guess she’s waited for so long. She can wait a little longer”
“Lets see, where did I put the remote?”
The guys
“That’s it, I am done, finished, done, done with women, girls, females, ladies, the opposite sex, I am done, that’s it finish, finito, done. No more; period Period PERIOD; that has to be it. It’s the only reason she would break up with me; it’s that time of the month. She bleeds, I break, BITCH.”
“Dude, calm down and just tell me what happened”
This is Adam and Jason, two guys, two average guys with the minds of average men. They think like average men and they talk like average men. Adam was in an average relationship. He was an above average kisser and had an IQ right in the middle of what was considered average.
The girls
“Oh my god he is such a bastard. You won’t believe what he did. I don’t know why I ever went out with him. You think you can change them but it’s just impossible to get them to listen.”
“That bastard I told you he wasn’t right for you right when I met him. What he do this time”
This is Elaine and Natalie. They are average women. Average in everyway Adam and Jason are. This is your average everyday story.
The guys
“I’m watching TV and she comes up to me. It’s frilly and black.
“Yea okay I get it. Just go on.”
“yea, whatever, it’s this dress. And she asks me about the dress. You know, she asks me what I think of it. And I tell her it’s nice. Kinda tight but nice.”
The girls
“I was wearing the new gown we got from Mango”
“Oh, which one”
“It’s dark grey one with a low cut collar and satin lining. It’s knee length and I got it at this sale. They were practically giving it away.”
“Oh wow, sounds beautiful. Is the sale still on?”
“No, it was one day only. And I got this on that day for Adam and my anniversary. And I try it on with the matching shoes and everything and I ask him how I look. He takes his eyes of the TV for a second and he says You're a repellently obese old hag upon whom I am compelled to heap insults and derision - depressingly far removed from the, 'stupid, squeaky, sLuty women,' who make up my vast catalogue of former lovers and to whom I might as well return right now as I hate everything about you."
“Oh my god what a bastard”
The guys
“All of a sudden she is offended because I don’t know what and she just walks away without saying anything, which I don’t mind. How much can these women talk?”
“At least you got to watch the game in peace. I mean what a game”
“That’s the thing. I missed it man. She came back and wanted to talk. She are always about the talking.”
“She made you miss the game? You’re definitely better off without her”
The girls
“I decide to give him the silent treatment. He hates nothing more than when I don’t talk to him. So I am just sitting not saying anything and he doesn’t say a word. You know those men and their pride. They will never apologize.”
“So he just sat there as if nothing happened?”
“Yea- he was watching something on TV. So I took the remote switched the TV off and went to my room and then he finally followed. He might be stubborn but he cant take it when I don’t talk to him. The silent treatment kills him.”
The guys
“She took the remote. She took the freakin remote”
“Dude, this woman is cruel. You just don’t separate a man from his remote”
“So I follow her to the bedroom to get the remote back and she begins to talk and she doesn’t stop. She is going on about communication and asks me if I am cheating on her and I don’t know what. I am just sitting there nodding my head and agreeing.”
“Good move”
“Exactly, that’s what I thought but then she asks if I love her and I say of course baby I love you”
“Oh wow, you said that. You must really like her”
“I do, she is quite something”
“Geez man, stop getting all emotional on me. You gonna make me barf”
The girls
“I don’t know if he loves me anymore, so I ask him and he says, get this, of course baby I love you”
“Ouch, cold.”
“I know, it’s never a good sign when they say baby”
“I wasn’t going to say this but Adam is always flirting with me every time we meet. I just don’t think he’s a nice guy”
“I noticed and the whole baby thing that was the final straw. I just stormed out of there. I am moving out”
The guys
“and she just stormed out. Just like that.
“What a bitch. She took the remote with her.”
“Enough with the remote thing man; my girlfriend just left me.”
“Where she go?”
“I don’t know, probably to Natalie’s place.”
“Whose Natalie?”
“Elaine’s best friend, I hate her. She’s always putting all these stupid thoughts in Elaine’s head”
The girls
“We have been living together for almost a year now and it doesn’t seem like Adam is willing to commit any further. I think it’s just best I moved out”
“He isn’t all that bad. Give him a chance. You can’t just give up on him.”
“I guess you’re right. I have wasted too much time on him to leave him now. I am going to go see him”
“Well, are you going to go see him wearing that?”
“Well, there is a sale a forever 21”
The guys
“Dude, I am going to marry her”
“Congratulations man”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I am going to do. I am going to get going man. I am going to ask her to marry me right now”
“Now?”
“Yea, now”
“Well, it’s almost time for the game”
“Now?”
“Yea, now”
“Well, I guess she’s waited for so long. She can wait a little longer”
“Lets see, where did I put the remote?”
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
It's not easy being Green
At some point of our lives we have all felt a certain supernatural existence, a supernatural world. The question is- how much effect does this world have on our lives and what's the traffic situation in that world like- are parking spaces easy to find.
I would like to spend some time exploring these worlds from the comfort of my laptop. The first unexplained phenomena I would like to talk about is Paris Hiltons fame. But I am goign to instead try and understand something easier to grasp. Mainly Aliens and U.F.O's.
Is there intelligent life out there and more importantly is there intelligent life down here. It's a debetable question. To our knowledge Aliens have never tried to contact our government, which is evidence that the aliens are indeed intelligent. Some (m night shymlalanmaenamnie) say that crop cirlcles are a way of aliens comunicating. My question is this if the aliens are so intelligent than why the hell are they running around in circles.
Lets now take the example of Roswell. It's a mediocre Tv show and the lead guy in it had a weird nose. but enough about that lets get back to the subject of aliens.
There have of course been multiple sighting of U.F.O's over the years. the following are a few eye witness records that I have collected. The first one is by Robo Hobo a half hobo half robot man known to fight crime.
"Just the other day I was looking up into the sky and I found myself staring at what looked like an some kind of flying object that was unidentified. I shall call it S.K.O.F.O.T.W.U. for short. The object was in the shape of a cup holder. A flying cup holder of some sort like a flying miniature plate only large in sizep. It left me afraid. and so I drove faster and faster. but the glowing cup holder kept following. After much chasing, glowing and spilling it came to an halt and spoke in a weird language I did not completely understand and it said shymlalanmaenamnie i believe the alien was either dyslexic or a child or worse yet a drunk alien driver as I went in for a closer check my worst fears came true it was indeed an underaged dyslexic drunk alien driver. I let it off with a warning."
Another similar account of alien sighting came from my trusted source and friend Sara al Swaidi. Thats one weird name I suspect she might be an alien her self.
i was driving at around 4:16 am and i a sure it was 4:16 am cause I remember looking at my car watch and I dont know ow to set the time on that and it has been set on 4:16 ever since I got the car. it was starting to get dark outside. from the corner of my eye i cud see shades of purple and orange. i ddnt know what it was from. but i refused to check in either of my mirrors. after some time, my curiosity had taken the best of me. i looked. it was a huge wall of smoke covering engulfing the horizon. It looked like a bird but that was too boring and uncreative. It kinda looked like superman but he was on a wheelchair at that time. People thought it was a plane but then again people also thought I was drunk. I began to speed to get away I saw the meter go up to 200kph and thats when it happened. A gigantic flash of what could only ultra-violet xray vision blinded my eyes. i thought it was the end. so i just let my self go n surrendered to the tragedy. I woke up the next morning with a speed ticket. no one believed what i saw. but i did. i sure did.
I have had similar experience with people who swear they have seen blinding lights. And they swear that they have no idea what happened.
Many aliens are known to have abducted people, probed them and left them back on earth. This of course is not an evidence for the existence of aliens cause well I do this abduction kinda thing all the time. These poeple call em aliens the dateline people call me something else.
I have told you all I could... the rest is for you to decide. The truth is out there what the hell are you doing in here.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
All these things I have done
I am now 20 years of age. The Big 2 0. And I have accomplished quite af ew things in my life.
I have-
- Managed to reach the age of 20. It took me 20 years to do it but I think thats not too bad. I am a perfectionist so I took my time.
- finished high school with floating, almost hovering colours.
- Worked my way out of various jobs
- had romantic entanglements with enough women to make a twister board delirious
- learned a foriegn language (english) I am sure its foriegn to foriegners.
- owned most consoles dating from the commodore 64/sega/atari to the wii
These are the things I have accomplished. There are quite a few things I still want to do.
- Have romantic entanglements on the twister board
- own a monkey
- Get out of my moms basement
- Write a best-selling book not bought by my mom
- record a best selling album with songs about my mom
- remove poverty and remember charity begins at home
- get more presents next birthday
- but most of all by biggest goal right now is to get to the age of 21
I want you all to remember...
We live on, love on- loan
I have-
- Managed to reach the age of 20. It took me 20 years to do it but I think thats not too bad. I am a perfectionist so I took my time.
- finished high school with floating, almost hovering colours.
- Worked my way out of various jobs
- had romantic entanglements with enough women to make a twister board delirious
- learned a foriegn language (english) I am sure its foriegn to foriegners.
- owned most consoles dating from the commodore 64/sega/atari to the wii
These are the things I have accomplished. There are quite a few things I still want to do.
- Have romantic entanglements on the twister board
- own a monkey
- Get out of my moms basement
- Write a best-selling book not bought by my mom
- record a best selling album with songs about my mom
- remove poverty and remember charity begins at home
- get more presents next birthday
- but most of all by biggest goal right now is to get to the age of 21
I want you all to remember...
We live on, love on- loan
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
The Nitty-Gritty of Eternity
Have you ever noticed that whenever people are telling you to "just be yourself" they mean to say don't act smart or sophisticated.
Would you rather have life be Tragic or Lethargic?
We have forever to count time.
I believe in freelance romance
I am a man ahead of my time but still time is two step ahead of me.
There are only two types of people self-serving and dead.
If the worlds a stage how come I am always the understudy.
Love puts the UN in FUN
I think we should all confess we have nothing to say that is off any importance whatsoever. Lets not pretend our opinions are our own our superiority earned. Lets for once be our selves , unimportant, unsophisticated, uncaring, undeserving, unloving, unloved. I call a toast to UN Without it we are nothing and thats exactly who we are.
Would you rather have life be Tragic or Lethargic?
We have forever to count time.
I believe in freelance romance
I am a man ahead of my time but still time is two step ahead of me.
There are only two types of people self-serving and dead.
If the worlds a stage how come I am always the understudy.
Love puts the UN in FUN
I think we should all confess we have nothing to say that is off any importance whatsoever. Lets not pretend our opinions are our own our superiority earned. Lets for once be our selves , unimportant, unsophisticated, uncaring, undeserving, unloving, unloved. I call a toast to UN Without it we are nothing and thats exactly who we are.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
An inconsistant truth
There is waaaay too much concern about the environment these days. That's all we hear. Environment this pollution that. I blame Al-Gore, just because he couldn't get into the White-house he went after the green house.
They say we litter too much. Too much Junk. I say have you seen how obese we are- we are consuming more junk then ever before.
Carbon emissions from cars you say Have you paid for petrol lately. If we have ever had an incentive to drive less it's now.
Population rising too quickly you say- then why the hell are you crying over aids, starvation and war. India's family planning motto is "Us two and our two". How about genocide for all instead.
Not enough clean drinking water. It's because its called coke. Water cant be dirty, thats like soap being dirty.
These things are self cleansing. human are responsible for NATURAL disasters. Pay extra attention to the words in capital.
Global warming- thats actually happening. Mostly because of green house gases, carbon emmisions increased pollution. Am I contradicting myself. Of course I am thats how you get people to listen. It's the only reason why the bible and politicians are so successful.
They say we litter too much. Too much Junk. I say have you seen how obese we are- we are consuming more junk then ever before.
Carbon emissions from cars you say Have you paid for petrol lately. If we have ever had an incentive to drive less it's now.
Population rising too quickly you say- then why the hell are you crying over aids, starvation and war. India's family planning motto is "Us two and our two". How about genocide for all instead.
Not enough clean drinking water. It's because its called coke. Water cant be dirty, thats like soap being dirty.
These things are self cleansing. human are responsible for NATURAL disasters. Pay extra attention to the words in capital.
Global warming- thats actually happening. Mostly because of green house gases, carbon emmisions increased pollution. Am I contradicting myself. Of course I am thats how you get people to listen. It's the only reason why the bible and politicians are so successful.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
We the people...
It's about time. That I, Hysum Ismail restart my bid to become president of the united States of America.
We all know a woman, a black guy or an old guy cant be a president. I mean what next- a handicapped president, a president who used to be an actor, a cheating president, a sleazy president I mean come on. At this rate we might as well have a Jewish guy run for president.
AIDS, RAPE, ABORTION these are the issues that make me horny- FOR JUSTICE
There's a weapon of mass creation in my pants.
Child labor and teenage pregnancy are the same thing
Forget about legalizing gay marriages. You wanna make homosexals think twice make gay divorces illegal.
Say no to drugs, then again if you are talking to drugs you are probably high.
Don't be a burden on the treasury, print your own money.
We the people, by the people, Fuck the people
We all know a woman, a black guy or an old guy cant be a president. I mean what next- a handicapped president, a president who used to be an actor, a cheating president, a sleazy president I mean come on. At this rate we might as well have a Jewish guy run for president.
AIDS, RAPE, ABORTION these are the issues that make me horny- FOR JUSTICE
There's a weapon of mass creation in my pants.
Child labor and teenage pregnancy are the same thing
Forget about legalizing gay marriages. You wanna make homosexals think twice make gay divorces illegal.
Say no to drugs, then again if you are talking to drugs you are probably high.
Don't be a burden on the treasury, print your own money.
We the people, by the people, Fuck the people
Monday, June 09, 2008
Smalltalk Begins
This summer on a computer near you. Smalltalk reboots. Look for weekly updates. I am going to start paying some attention to this again. Like When I started it. No more stories. Just short liike essays like I started the blog with. So here goes. enjoy
Here's the problem with being single. It's a guaranty that all the relationships you have been in were failures. Unless of course you have never been in a relationship. So when asking a girl out it automatically means you are one strike down.
But if asking a girl out wasnt hard enough the harder part is breaking up.
Break-ups are horrible. The following are a few things you need to know.
You always wanna be the breakerer not the breakee. It's a matter of pride. You want to be the person taking the dump, you don't want to be the dump itself.
Men prefer to do this kind of thing in public. To show off our masculinity and our superirority to the people around. Also to reduce the chances of violence.
Women tend to prefer to to do this kind of things in-doors. Because even when breaking up they prefer things to be intimate.
Alot of people will prefer to break up over
The phone- The number you have dialed is turned off and is outside your coverage area. Your call is no more important to us. Don't call again.
An email
hey,
hey. It's time we deleted our relationship. You are just too ctrl-ing for me. I mean everytime I try to insert my spacebar into your capslock you just backspace. I just wanted to tell you I have found an alt-ernate laptop. Me and her really get along- you know we just click. As for you and me I hope we can refresh and remain connected.
These are all rather rude to tell you the truth. It's best to pay your relatioship some kind of respect and do it in person. Also there are chances of break-up sex.
As a guy if you are going to take the girl to a restuarant make sure its a cheap restaurant. For the simple reason that the girl is always the one to leave after the break up and you ae going to end up paying the bill.
Now there are always the cliched lines you can use but here are a few variations on them so you can remian atleast a little orignal. Even if you are copying form me.
It's not you, it's your penis
It's not you, it's me- I got high standards
It's not you , it's us
I have STD
We need to talk- We need to stop talking
I just got out of a serious relationship, you on the other hand are a joke
you were a drunken mistake but enough about your conception
I have to go now. There's someone else I need to see now...
It's not you, it's youtube
Here's the problem with being single. It's a guaranty that all the relationships you have been in were failures. Unless of course you have never been in a relationship. So when asking a girl out it automatically means you are one strike down.
But if asking a girl out wasnt hard enough the harder part is breaking up.
Break-ups are horrible. The following are a few things you need to know.
You always wanna be the breakerer not the breakee. It's a matter of pride. You want to be the person taking the dump, you don't want to be the dump itself.
Men prefer to do this kind of thing in public. To show off our masculinity and our superirority to the people around. Also to reduce the chances of violence.
Women tend to prefer to to do this kind of things in-doors. Because even when breaking up they prefer things to be intimate.
Alot of people will prefer to break up over
The phone- The number you have dialed is turned off and is outside your coverage area. Your call is no more important to us. Don't call again.
An email
hey,
hey. It's time we deleted our relationship. You are just too ctrl-ing for me. I mean everytime I try to insert my spacebar into your capslock you just backspace. I just wanted to tell you I have found an alt-ernate laptop. Me and her really get along- you know we just click. As for you and me I hope we can refresh and remain connected.
These are all rather rude to tell you the truth. It's best to pay your relatioship some kind of respect and do it in person. Also there are chances of break-up sex.
As a guy if you are going to take the girl to a restuarant make sure its a cheap restaurant. For the simple reason that the girl is always the one to leave after the break up and you ae going to end up paying the bill.
Now there are always the cliched lines you can use but here are a few variations on them so you can remian atleast a little orignal. Even if you are copying form me.
It's not you, it's your penis
It's not you, it's me- I got high standards
It's not you , it's us
I have STD
We need to talk- We need to stop talking
I just got out of a serious relationship, you on the other hand are a joke
you were a drunken mistake but enough about your conception
I have to go now. There's someone else I need to see now...
It's not you, it's youtube
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Run Hysum Run
I hate babies. You know, what’s the point of them? They have tiny feet, tiny hands, a tiny head and a tiny bladder. When my girl friend told me she might pregnant I figured I had a tiny problem.
I have long legs, I can run. Run away. So what if that would mean I would have to drop out of high school. Richard Branson dropped out, look at him now. Of course his story involves virgin, mine does not. I should have run away when I had the chance.
It was just an hour ago when she told me
“I’ve been missing my periods”
“Yea, me too, I have been skipping class”
“No not those periods, my female periods”
That should have been a sign to run away, right. Run, drop out and roll. Bill Gates dropped out, look where he is now. Of course Bill Gates is a genius. He would have known when his girl friend was trying to tell him she is pregnant. Missing periods is the boyfriends’ equivalent of the blue screen of death. CTRL+ALT+
“I think I might be pregnant”
“No you are not”
“and you are the father”
“No I am not”
“I would like you to come with me to buy the pregnancy test”
“No I won’t”
I wasn’t exactly speechless; I just had very little speech. This meant she had won that little argument and we were going to the pharmacy. You know those pharmacy people have a great sense of irony. The pregnancy tests are kept right next to the condoms. That’s not greatest sales pitch is it, shows how much confidence the have in the condoms.
So we buy the test and go to the star bucks next door. My girlfriend walks into the bathroom inside.
So here I am in star bucks now pacing outside of a bathroom in Starbucks while my girlfriend is inside peeing on a stick. No she’s inside pissing on my parade. The pregnancy test is the worst test in the world. Its not just any test, it’s a pop quiz. No way to prepare for it. It’s probably the only test in which if you pass you are screwed. It’s karma I guess. You are screwed because you screwed.
This was my future right here. For the rest of life I would be working in Star bucks being paid ten dollars an hour trying to raise my family. I am still pacing in Star bucks and my strides get longer and longer till I reach the door and then I run.
I run, I am Forest Gump being chased by the Terminator. I am running. Not looking back. I won’t stop. I run and I run out of breath. Faster and faster. I am a hit and run boyfriend. I am sure a fertile man like myself can make something of my life. Responsibility is over-rated. But I still wonder a tiny bit. Was she pregnant?
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
A self portrait of someone else
This is not the post that's supposed to follow but its still something to read meanwhile. I am working on the other post.
Our story begins in a room. The room isn’t all that great to look at; if I was a rude person I would call it ugly but since I am not I’ll just say it’s a room with good personality. Either way’s it’s a homely looking home. The walls are this weird dyslexic collage of red, orange, green and brown. I don’t particularly like furniture in a small room like mine they tend to be a bit of a hassle and I, like most people don’t like hassles (no not even David hasslehof- ha ha). So all I have in my room is a bed set against the wall.
The problem with having the bed against the wall is you always have to wake up on the same side of the bed and unfortunately for me it turned out that side was the wrong side of the bed. But this particular morning I woke up on the right side of the bed which is basically just an optimistic way of saying I walked into a wall.
So I am only half awake and I bumped my head against a wall; medically speaking “ithurtslikeabitch”. It wasn’t the wall that hurt- you see what I forgot to mention is that I had dug a nail into that wall earlier so I could crucify a picture against it. Unfortunately the nail was still there but the picture wasn’t. [The following is a public service announcement- the heads of nails hurt]
According to my grandma the instant solution to a bleeding scar on the forehead is a mixture of limewater, vinegar, salt and toothpaste. It didn’t work for Harry potter and it wasn’t going to work for me and so I called the grocery to send over some band-aid.
The door bell rang; I opened the door and on the other side of it stood the ugliest woman on earth next to a trolley with a box of band-aid in it. If it’s the inner beauty that counts than I hope her inner beauty was John Nash. This girl was uglier than my room. She had the kind of face you could only make using Michael Jackson’s rejected skin.
She looked tall for her height and too white for her tan. She had obese eyebrows and thin anorexic eyes bulging out of her eye sockets. Her eye lashes were few and far between protecting shading her eyes like a bikini would cover a body. Her nose jutted out of her face. It was the kind of nose only Pinocchio could have if he was an elephant. She had in her hand the band-aid- which she handed to me. I asked her to wait at the door so I could go in and get some money. And then she smiled…
Her face was as contorted as a girl standing on one finger with one leg in her mouth and the other folded backwards along her spinal cord. If her face was a gymnast she would win gold.
I thought to myself I was having a nightmare but I dismissed the notion as it would be too lame an ending. She then said something that changed my life forever. She said
“Notice the stripes”
She then walked out pushing the trolley with her and she sang “I hope the exit is joyful and I hope never to return”. Two minutes later the door bell rang again. It was the grocery guy with a band-aid and a bill.
The woman wasn’t an angel and she wasn’t a ghost. The woman is world renowned; you probably know her. I met her again but that’s a different story. I won’t tell you her name because that too is a different story. I will tell you I did notice the stripes and if you know me you know that I do.
This was how the story began- I’ll tell you where it ends some other time.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Prologue
This is not a post but only a declaration. On the first of February I will post a new post. Something that will blow your mind-hole. The post will be titled-
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
chapter 2
I once met this polish girl- her name was Plosion. She wasn’t very hot or bright or well anything really. But I dated her either ways- mostly cause I wanted an ex called Plosion. I mean think of the pun possibilities.
But why am I talking about a polish girl when there was an explosion in the distance. I mean what do the polish know about explosions- right.
Anyway- the explosion. Well that was just the fireworks for new years- remember I told you it was 31st January. Wow- see that was so anti-climatic. I totally copped out on the one. Don’t you hate that- when they build things up and then they tell you it was nothing. You know its like those mystery movies and books- where there is this evil looking guy with the evil looking mustache w has an evil laugh and sneaks around evilly and has the motive to do the evil thing and is in the spot of the supposed evil but turns out to be innocent. Or like those game shows you know- American idol or something where- the host just builds the tension- You know- “one of you is going to be eliminated- but which one- both of you sucked equally- but one of you sucked more- and that person issssssssssssssssssssss… the person who has not made it tonight- So I am going tell you the name of the person now- any minute now- and that person is one of you two and the name of that person iiiissssssssssssssssss going to be announced after a short break.” I mean come on- talk about anti-climatic. I hate it when they build things up. Like sex- think of that- all your childhood its supposed to be this mysterious thing—they shsss it up- don’t talk about it- its everywhere but nowhere at the same time. Its this huge thing (no innuendo intended) they wont tell kids about and they build it up and up and up. And then you find it out it’s a guy putting his weewee in a girls (you know- spot). I mean talk about a let down (No innuendo intended) They don’t even tell you about the good parts- Now that’s an anti-climax (Innuendo intended)
Oh have I told you yet- I am in love with a girl. No not the one who I slept with- another one (don’t call me a bastard- I made her up- remember) Actually call me a bastard- its better than sleeping up with a made up girl.
Eitherways- I am in love with this girl- but I don’t know this yet- well by “I” I don’t mean me- I mean the character of me doesn’t know but the writer of I does know- and you as the audience know- I think its called dramatic irony. Either ways it adds some kind of drama to this otherwise flaccid story (no innuendo intended).
Actually scrap that out- scrap out the whole love thing. There are too many things done on love. Nothing new I can add to that. All the love things have already been done and I don’t want to do anything that someone has already done. I want a virgin love story.
It’s harder to write romance now. You know- people are desensitized to it. People say I am hopeless romantic- but let me assure you- I am hopeless but it has nothing to do with me being a romantic.
So this story is a murder mystery the murder of the imaginary woman I was sleeping with. But how do you kill an imaginary woman you ask. Well good question. I will think of an answer to that while I distract you with the next paragraph.
Look behind you- it’s the Pope.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Small talk reincarnated
Its now time to restart my blog- and so I begin with a brand new story.
Tell me what you think.
Tell me what you think.
Chapter one
I know this for a fact- Every single one of you- have- at some point of your life thought that your life would make an interesting-
1- Book
2- Movie
3- TV show
Some of you might even think your life would make a great music video- in which case you must live among some very skimpily clad women and/or aren’t the deepest person in the world. I mean if you could tell your life’s story in a music video then you need to get your priorities straight.
Either ways- if you think any of the above--- This story is for you- But let me just warn you- about the nature of the story. I do not sleep with anybody- I do not get any kind of surgery nor do I catch a rare tropical disease-. Nothing blows up and nothing and I mean absolutely nothing gets pregnant. If you still want to read this story then read on.
Firstly let me tell you two things that are important to our story
- Firstly my name is Od. Capital O lower case D (more on that later).
- Secondly the universe is expanding. (little on that now and more on that later)
You see the universe is expanding- you could say the universe is stuck in never-ending puberty. This effects us- I mean think about living with a hormonal universe. That’s the real reason we have seasons and weather- its nothing but mood swings. Those beautiful stars are nothing but far off pimples and zits. You get the basic picture- the universe is expanding.
You will know what that has to do with my story later on.
OOoo wait there’s another piece of important information I need to tell you about.
The date is December 31st 2007
I woke up and turned over to find a girl next to me- She was 9.34 on the scale of one to ten- ten being the highest. Okay- so maybe that didn’t really happen- but it’s my story and I can write what I want. For once I have some control over my life. And yes I know I said there was no sleeping around in my story but screw that. Infact forget everything I have written earlier in this story except for the three important things I told you not to forget.
So let me start the story again.
It was a beautiful morning. It was beautiful like short women (Hey- beauty is subjective so I can similize what I want- and I happen to be attracted to short women) so like I was saying The morning was beautiful like a short women (Take Natalie Portman for example) (at least I didn’t say the morning was beautiful life a woman giving birth- I mean seriously some people say that is beautiful- but seriously- yuck- I mean you know they throw up and shit and leak and tear and- yuck) so anyway the morning was beautiful like a short woman/girl and not beautiful like a woman giving birth (unless you are into that kind of thing)
SO I woke up next to this really hot woman- she serves absolutely no purpose in my story- so she leaves.
I get up- brush my teeth and sit on the toilet. Here’s a little truth- most men- when at home prefer to sit and take a piss- Really- sometimes we even take a piss and then leave the toilet seat up to look more macho. But in reality we are pansies who like to sit. Its hard to aim- especially in the morning.
I am done peeing- so I go out- I mean I want to enjoy the aforementioned beautiful like a short woman day. But the moment I go outside- the sun comes out from behind the clouds and blares on my face. You know what I mean- I hate that- when the sun is just messing with you- you know- comes out the moment you go out. Apollo is a sun of a bitch.
I begin to sweat. You know what its like- its like hooking up with Natlaie Portman while she is giving birth and growing taller at the same time- which sucks (unless you are into that kind of thing) (I am not judging) (Ooo and I know that I said- no would get pregnant but this doesn’t count).
So where was I- oh yes- I woke up- right. I have written quite a lot and nothing very exciting has happened yet. Which means only one thing
BANG
There was an explosion in the distance.
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