High fidelity

This is the second entry a sequel of sorts to fidelity, my earlier post. There is one thing in a long term relationship that is probably more important than communication.

LOVE

How do I give advice on that- I don’t know- How to fall in love? No can do

I could always do- How to get someone to fall in love? No can do.

How about- How to say in Love? Not happening either

None of this is something that can we thought or learned- instead I will write something more handy.

How to know if you are in love or not?

Lets start with the common symptoms- as shown on TV, books and media.

- Sleeplessness

- Don’t at much

- Seeing the person you love everywhere

- Butterflies in tummy

- Day dreaming

It seems a lot of people in the media have mistaken pneumonia for love. These are not symptoms of Love but symptoms of high stage 2 pneumonia.

Lets face it- you probably have butterflies in your tummy because you don’t eat much- why don’t you eat much- you don’t eat much because you cant taste anything due to the pneumonia and if you keep day dreaming how the hell do you except some sleep and lack of sleep can lead to only one thing- delusions. You are getting delusional- seeing people.

You don’t need a lover, you need a doctor.

So how do you know if you are in love- well here are the real symptoms.

You are in love if -:

- Of the two people involved, one is rich and the other is poor

- People and rain appears from nowhere and start singing songs

- One of the two is in denial of the love before the last possible moment

- The girl is leaving for ever possibly for a better job on a plane, in an airport with very low security- where just about anybody can get through even without a ticket. (hope terrorists never fall in Love)

- There is a huge misunderstanding between the two of you.

- If there is a third person involved- most commonly a manipulative rich/cocky or bitchy person.

- You have weird/quirky friends- who all hang around in one place- an give you bad advice on your life- while they themselves seem to be desperate and single and don’t have anything better to do than hang around in one place all day.

If you have at least four of the seven above things happening in your life than you are in love.

There are some exceptions to the above rules- other less common symptoms of love are:-

- confusion

- No control of situation

- complex mixed feelings

- not being satisfied

- Fear

- And caring

Of course that could also mean you are having a mid-life crisis.

To be continued…

Fidelity

Men and women have co-existed for millions of years- of course none of these men and women have really been able to survive very long. We still have men and women- they are not the same ones though. So really men and women haven’t co-existed for millions of years.

We are getting better at it though- the average life expectancy of both men and women has risen- this is mainly because we are now better at dealing with the opposite sex.

There are a lot of self-help books around to help on relationship issues but don’t listen to those books- books like ones written by Doctor Phil or something like “Men are from mars, women are from Venus” – you want to have a successful relationship- Stop comparing your partner to aliens- maybe they don’t like being called- non human. Stop spending time reading books about relationships and spend time on the relationship- and most importantly do not take advice from a MAN who pretends he is Oprah and talks about incest on television for a living.

I understand some people do need help with their relationships- so this post will help you do that without having to read an entire book- These are the basics

Number one- communication

It is important to be on MSN online 24/7. I cannot stress this enough- BE ONLINE. Many a times people find it difficult to tell their partner something- be it out of guilt, embarrassment or just not knowing how to bring the subject-up, this is where you use the personal message setting on your MSN- to send subtle message-.

One must always communicate the love they have for their partners and nothing says intimacy more than two smiley faced emoticons- hugging each other.

Let us take this moment to thank the Love guru- bill gates and MSN.

To have an healthy relationship- keep no secrets from each other- but the real secret for a really healthy relationship is to hide your secrets extremely well.

Women like to talk about their problems- and men don’t. This leads to misunderstandings- The girl thinks the man is not trusting her with his problems the man is thinking maybe if she shut up she wouldn’t have so many problems.

There is a solution to this problem- women, make your problem more appealing to men. For example say you have a fight with your best friend and you want to talk about your feelings to your partner- this is what you need to do, Add sex into the story- curse as much as possible, put in some nudity- cat fights are always interesting- a car chase or two is highly recommended- and a few things blowing up, followed by some more sex. You have got the total and complete attention of the man.

I am actually going to stop typing now- but I am not done- this post will be continued when I next update the Blog.

MURDER I WROTE

I have been reading the newspaper lately and what do I see murder. Everybody seems to be doing it- but that’s not what gets me enraged- what really gets me angry is the fact that everybody seems to be getting caught. The prisons are full of people, way too many of you people have been arrested for murder lately and frankly I am ashamed. If this generation is going to have a chance in hell of surviving in today’s brutal DNA-evidence-laden world, we’re going to need to learn from the mistakes of murderers of yore and actually pull off a murder or three without leaving an evidence trail so obvious that it would be harder to catch you if you left your business card. I’m sick of all this idiocy. People have been murdering people for tens of thousands of years and we don’t know how to do it by now? There’s no reason to get caught here, people. If you want to get away with murder- here is what you need to do.

RULE NUMBER ONE- Victim

Before committing a murder it is necessary to have a victim, murder is a self gratifying act but unlike the other self gratifying act it cannot be done without another person. Jack the ripper never got caught, why, he choose his victims carefully. His victims were all prostitutes and prostitutes all fall into the Preferred Victim category for the following reasons: they are easy to abduct and lure into poorly lit areas, they can be gone for more than a few days before anyone bothers to report them missing and they are typically light and easy to carry. Considering prostitution is a thriving industry in Dubai a victim shouldn’t be hard to find. It is now integral to follow the next step.

RULE NUMBER TWO- MOTIVE

The next step in getting away with murder is simple, motive- make sure you have none. Only murder people you barely know for reasons no one can understand. Is there is absolutely no reason for you to murder the grocery lady kill her, she’s your gal. Don’t murder people who make you mad or inflict pain upon you

RULE NUMBER THREE- WITNESS

Thirdly- leave no witnesses. Make sure no one is looking when you kill. This can lead to arrest and conviction that would go against the whole idea of getting away with murder.

RULE NUMBER FOUR

Once you have found a victim who you have no motive to kill and you have taken them to a deserted place with no witnesses. You may kill the person, how to do this is up to you. Guns are a popular choice but something more creative is always more fun.

Furthermore- what ever weapon you choose, destroy it once you are done. This something a lot of people tend to forget to do. It is of utmost importance that the murderer does not throw the weapon in a lake near by or hide it in their pocket. After a murder is committed a weapon is a major liability. Please don’t be an idiot and try to sell or keep your weapon as memorabilia. Remember anything worth doing is worth doing right.

RULE NUMBER FIVE-BODY DUMPING

Following the murder, the murderer needs to get rid of the body. There is no end of quality places to hide the body. There are lakes, rivers, graveyards- miles and miles of desert. Hide the body there, people wont look for bodies in sand dunes. Do not leave the body where it was killed, don’t leave it on the highway or the trunks of your car, use the land that god gave you. Make the body disappear, no body, no murder, no hand cuffs and no dropping soap in the prison showers.

RULE NUMBER FOUR- CLEAN ESCAPE

And finally sweep the place for finger prints you might have left- if you did leave finger prints that pretty stupid because you should wear gloves and cover as much of your body as possible.

Get out of there as soon as possible and pretend nothing ever happened and you should be Scot free. Remember, murder is like anything else in life. It’s not very difficult, but it has to be done just right or you’ll end up in jail.

Disclaimer

Don’t read this post. There has to be something more constructive you can do with your time. Maybe you could take a night class, become someone important. Make something out of yourself. Treat yourself to a dinner, be happy for a change. Use the time you would otherwise waste reading this to live for a change. Go on give it a try.

Every year over hundreds of thousands of people die of starvation. Every day Mc donalds sells over hundreds of thousands of burgers burgers. Fast food joints in third world countries is the answer to the worlds hunger problems. Ronald should be the UNs mascot.

If you look around at most people you can trace the entire persons evolution of personality to the latest deodorant advertisement. Be it the evolution of our hair or our cloths, the evolution of how we talk and how we judge people. We are the children of supermodels, we might not look at them but they raised us and thought us how to live our lives. Deodorant- the secret to successful life though it doesn’t cover up the smell of artificiality.

The thing about cloning our personalities from television advertisements is that killing us is the moral equivalent of crashing a car, beheading a Barbie, Switching of a vacuum cleaner we are all such products.

They say when you die our life flashes before our eyes. Am I really alive or is this just a rerun of my life.

Another thing is no matter how much you love someone, when they are not using that deodorant and that stench enters your nose- you will take a step back. We love our deodorants; it’s a great cover to our natural unholy scent.

I think Darwin had it wrong- people don’t evolve, we mutate.

On a lighter note

I look around with people writing poetry or lyrics on their blogs

My turn-

"I might be a hero"

Today I think I saved the world again

But I cannot tell you who I am

Today I think I saved the world again

But nobody gives a damn

Today you saved my life again

And I don’t think it’s fair

Today I saw your face again

And all I could do was stare.

He said he would take over the world

He said the people would be destroyed

He didn’t say it would be for the better

He didn’t say most souls had already died

They told me to stand for good

They told me to help the innocent

They never told me the good exude

nothing but hate and lament.

Today I saved the world again

And I thought it was for nothing at all

Today you held my hand again

When a hero was about to fall

They told me there is strength in resistance

They didn’t tell me about vulnerability

They told me about persistence

They didn’t tell me about pity

They told me to be strong

I now ask the same

They asked me to fight the wrong

They didn’t tell me about the pain

Today you saved my life again

and maybe its not fair

Today I saved the world again

But only because you were there

By Hysum

Not worry I will get back to normal blogging in my next post- This was just for some change

common mis-contraceptions

I walk around and talk to people only to find out that the world is full of common- misconceptions about men. I would like to use the midium of this blog to clear out some of my these common misconceptions. If you have any more questions please don’t be afraid to ask.

1- Men think about sex every six seconds-

This is far from the truth. We men like the romantically subtle things; we do not think of sex every sex sexonds.

2- Men watch porn

I will not dispute this- we do watch porn, but we watch it for the articles. We do not watch porn to fulfill any of our sick perverted desires- we watch it for its suspense filled plots filled with twists, tits and turns. We watch it for its deep characters and excellent choreography. We watch it for the massage... I mean the messege And the action is blowing- mind blowing that is.

3- Men are shallow

Contrary to common conceptions we are not actually as shallow as the shallow end of a pool for midget babies. We are in fact as deep as a deep throat by Jenna Jameson. (Jenna Jameson and midgets why does that sound familiar)

4- Men are not good listeners

That’s not a real mis-conceptions- I have never heard a girl make that complain to me

5- Men are not sensitive

We in fact are very sensitive in particular areas.

6- Men do not talk about their feelings

No we don’t