100

Its my post number 100

and what better way to celebrate than by making a movie- well- this movie will be coming soon o youtube near you. well If I ever get around to making it. But I have here- the script. It might seem like any other script- but has over 35 in-jokes and references that only a speciel few will understand. SO see how many you get.

I present to you- and fantastical autobiography thats not---

Erasing ELAINE

HYSUM

AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- That’s it- I am done- finished- done- done with women- girls, females, ladies, The opposite sex- I am done- that’s it finish, finito, done. No more- period- Period- PERIOD- that has to be it. It’s the only reason she would break up with me, its that time of the month- - She bleeds, I break- BITCH.

HYSUM picks up the phone and dials

HYSUM

Hey- its me again- Just wanted your machine to know that I am still not talking to you- right bye- FORIVER-

Hysum slams phone- smacks himself on the head and has a self deprecating look on his face. Pause and then picks up phone again-

HYSUM

Umm- I meant forever- Not FORIVER right then- bye then- okay-

CREDITS ROLL

SCENE:- HYSUM and NEEHA are sitting in starbucks

HYSUM

You think she is ignoring me

NEEHA

You?

HYSUM

Me

NEEHA

She, never

HYSUM

She never or me never?

NEEHA

What?

HYSUM

Is it something she wouldn’t do- or is it something that couldn’t happen to me?

NEEHA

Both-

HYSUM

But they are both happening

NEEHA

You are just over-reacting

HYSUM

I am not over-reacting- she just isn’t reacting- which makes it seem like I am over reacting- while in reality- the level of my reaction is very balanced.

NEEHA

Just give her time, you guys just broke up.

HYSUM

I don’t want to give her time BECAUSE we just broke up- I want us to unbreak- I want us to merge again- figuratively speaking.

NEEHA

You must really love her allot

HYSUM

Well not LOVE- I like her deeply- I fallen deeply in like with her

NEEHA

You never told me, how did you guys meet- was it like at first site for you guys.

HYSUM

Well not exactly. At first site I thought she kinda looked like a toad or a turtle- some kind of green amphibian really. And she has these really cold clammy hands- shudder.

NEEHA

But she liked you instantly then?

HYSUM

Not really- our story really isn’t that interesting. It’s the same old story- you know- boy meets girl- Boy thinks girl looks like a toad- girl is creeped out by boy- the usual.

NEEHA

Your love grew- That kinda love is stronger- you know- she grew on you.

HYSUM

Yea- like fungus.

HYSUM (continuing)

The truth is our entire relationship- was just about lust and deception

NEEHA

Yea she told me about that

HYSUM

She told you? Geez, she hardly knows - why the hell does she have to go around telling people about our private stuff.

NEEHA

She is just letting things out- she is an open book

HYSUM

More like an open audio book on loud and loop.

NEEHA

So you will agree that you are better off without her

HYSUM

Yes- and no- I still want her back- you know. Where ever I look- things remind me of her- I need to erase her from my mind. She dumped me- so I want her back- I am the dumpee- The receiver of the dump- the loser- I don’t want to be the loser- I just want to use her.

At this very moment a girl comes from behind and taps HYSUM on the shoulder. HYSUM- jumps up from his chair surprised and confused.

HYSUM

OH GOD WOMAN- what the hell are you doing here.

ELAINE

HYSUM we need to talk.

HYSUM

I hate it- I hate it when women say that- why do you say WE need to talk- that makes it sound like a conversation- when its always you who end up doing the talking. You should just say, you need to shutup- atleast that way we will get a heads up.

NEEHA

Oh I just remembered I need to do that thing with the thing in the thing

NEEHA leaves

HYSUM

Wow- leave me when I need you- some friend you are- GO THING YOURSELF.

ELAINE

Is this a bad time?

HYSUM

You have always had bad timing.[pause]I really need to get new friends- I mean you can see what a great friend she is and then my other friend. I still don’t believe it- my best friend- you left me for my best friend.

ELAINE

Well he isn’t really your BEST friend

HYSUM

Well- okay maybe not my BEST friend- but he is definitely part of the top three Malaysian friends I have.

ELAINE

He is only half Malaysian.

HYSUM

Yea either ways- I don’t believe it- You left me for one of my top three half Malaysian friends from Malaysia. How could you?

ELAINE

Why cant you be happy for me- you know- this for the good- be an optimist like me.

HYSUM

No you are an opportunist. But these are things we can work out. Just give us another chance before you decide to quit us forever.

ELAINE

I would rather give birth to an over-weight horse that is bad with directions than give you another chance.

HYSUM

And I just want to be holding your cold, clammy extremely moist hand in the hospital when you are giving birth to that horse-child.

ELAINE

Why don’t you understand. It’s just that, when I was with you- I didn’t know what to do with myself- but he- he makes my icky thump.

HYSUM

Does he have something I don’t?

ELAINE

He is very good looking

HYSUM

I suppose- but I am decent looking too.

ELAINE

Well- not really… you are just- how do I put this- God was probably laughing when he was making you.

HYSUM

If I had a dhs every time I heard that- I could probably get an extreme makeover by now.

ELAINE

And he has such a great body

HYSUM

Well- I could go to the Gym

ELAINE

You have the lung capacity of an asthmatic gold fish.

HYSUM

Is that it- you are so superficial

ELAINE

I am not done- he is supremely smart, completely charming, amazingly articulate and so sensitive

HYSUM

I am smarter than I look- I am also better looking than I look

ELAINE

Talking about looking- He has the most amazing eyes

HYSUM

I get the general idea- you can stop before you reach the bottom half of his body.

ELAINE

And he is reliable and durable and athletic.

HYSUM

I can be mildly athletic in thumb wrestling.

ELAINE

And he is oh so artistic- he sings and he can play 11 different instruments- He paints-and he can speak 9 different languages. He single handedly saved the entire population of the duckbill platypus from extinction and he is on the verge of discovering the cure for a rare tropical disease.

HYSUM

Yea well- I can burp the alphabets

ELAINE

He can burp the alphabets in 9 different languages.

HYSUM

Well yea- but you didn’t even like him when you first met him

ELAINE

Well I am not easily impressed

HYSUM

Lets go out today- I will impress you- guaranteed.

ELAINE

I am not going to go out with you again. We are finished

HYSUM

Just one last time- you know- I won’t ask you to date me again- I just want to go out on a good note- then we can go our separate ways.

ELAINE

Okay- one last time- for old time’s sake.

HYSUM

Perfect- Hot burger at four tomrw.

ELAINE

Sure- on a side note- Have you been telling people I look like a

toad.

HYSUM

Me…never

ELAINE

Oh god you did- You are such a selfish inconsiderate pig

HYSUM

I never called you a toad

ELAINE gets up and walks away

HYSUM

Don’t you hop away from me- I mean walk- walk away- Don’t you walk away from me. Right bye -I will see you tomorrow then.

Screen fades- Scene:- Hot Burger HYSUM is sitting inside wearing a suit while Elaine is sitting inside wearing a sweatshirt. Elaine looks really awkward sitting there while HYSUM has a nonchalant expression on his face.

ELAINE

Why the hell are you wearing a suit, you look like weasel wearing a penguin disguise that he rented from the used suit boot shop for 99 cents and a bag of used toothpicks.

HYSUM

I think I look rather fetching

ELAINE

Only to another weasel wearing a bad penguin disguise if the said weasel was extremely desperate.

HYSUM

I think it is rather befitting to the occasion.

ELAINE

What Occasion?

HYSUM

Enough smalltalk- lets order some food- what would you like- some cheesecake maybe- the cheesecake here tastes just like heaven. Well, a slightly above mediocre heaven. Or maybe we should start with some drinks- the place has some great drinks. They have the ETISALAT, the INTERNET, THE VIAGRA, THE BURJ AL ARAB, The computer- all maginificiant drinks.

ELAINE

I think I will just have some water

HYSUM (shouting)

WAITER, WATER

HYSUM

You know- you look very pretty today

ELAINE

Thank you

HYSUM

You look like Kiera Knightley trying to get into a toad outfit.

ELAINE

Stop with the toad thing, otherwise I am leaving.

HYSUM

sorry- sorry- no more toads.

The waiter brings a glass of water and keeps it on ELAINE’s table. ELAINE accidently spills the water on HYSUMS lap

HYSUM

That’s it- that’s the final straw- I can’t take it anymore.

ELAINE

What are you talking about?

HYSUM

I am talking about us- we are finished- I am leaving you

ELAINE

You can’t leave me.

HYSUM

Yes I can- I am dumping you

ELAINE

You can’t dump me- I dumped you

HYSUM

Stop trying ELAINE, we aren’t meant to be.

ELAINE

You can’t leave me-

HYSUM

Stop begging me to stay- I am going to leave now and leave you some dignity- I hope we can remain friends.

Hysum stands up and begins to walk away slowly

ELAINE

No, come back- we can work it out

HYSUM

Its too late. I am just too good for you- good bye.

ELAINE

But- but

HYSUM

Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.