Prologue

This is not a post but only a declaration. On the first of February I will post a new post. Something that will blow your mind-hole. The post will be titled-

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

chapter 2

I once met this polish girl- her name was Plosion. She wasn’t very hot or bright or well anything really. But I dated her either ways- mostly cause I wanted an ex called Plosion. I mean think of the pun possibilities.

But why am I talking about a polish girl when there was an explosion in the distance. I mean what do the polish know about explosions- right.

Anyway- the explosion. Well that was just the fireworks for new years- remember I told you it was 31^st January. Wow- see that was so anti-climatic. I totally copped out on the one. Don’t you hate that- when they build things up and then they tell you it was nothing. You know its like those mystery movies and books- where there is this evil looking guy with the evil looking mustache w has an evil laugh and sneaks around evilly and has the motive to do the evil thing and is in the spot of the supposed evil but turns out to be innocent. Or like those game shows you know- American idol or something where- the host just builds the tension- You know- “one of you is going to be eliminated- but which one- both of you sucked equally- but one of you sucked more- and that person issssssssssssssssssssss… the person who has not made it tonight- So I am going tell you the name of the person now- any minute now- and that person is one of you two and the name of that person iiiissssssssssssssssss going to be announced after a short break.” I mean come on- talk about anti-climatic. I hate it when they build things up. Like sex- think of that- all your childhood its supposed to be this mysterious thing—they shsss it up- don’t talk about it- its everywhere but nowhere at the same time. Its this huge thing (no innuendo intended) they wont tell kids about and they build it up and up and up. And then you find it out it’s a guy putting his weewee in a girls (you know- spot). I mean talk about a let down (No innuendo intended) They don’t even tell you about the good parts- Now that’s an anti-climax (Innuendo intended)

Oh have I told you yet- I am in love with a girl. No not the one who I slept with- another one (don’t call me a bastard- I made her up- remember) Actually call me a bastard- its better than sleeping up with a made up girl.

Eitherways- I am in love with this girl- but I don’t know this yet- well by “I” I don’t mean me- I mean the character of me doesn’t know but the writer of I does know- and you as the audience know- I think its called dramatic irony. Either ways it adds some kind of drama to this otherwise flaccid story (no innuendo intended).

Actually scrap that out- scrap out the whole love thing. There are too many things done on love. Nothing new I can add to that. All the love things have already been done and I don’t want to do anything that someone has already done. I want a virgin love story.

It’s harder to write romance now. You know- people are desensitized to it. People say I am hopeless romantic- but let me assure you- I am hopeless but it has nothing to do with me being a romantic.

So this story is a murder mystery the murder of the imaginary woman I was sleeping with. But how do you kill an imaginary woman you ask. Well good question. I will think of an answer to that while I distract you with the next paragraph.

Look behind you- it’s the Pope.

For your eyes only

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Small talk reincarnated

Its now time to restart my blog- and so I begin with a brand new story.

Tell me what you think.

Chapter one

I know this for a fact- Every single one of you- have- at some point of your life thought that your life would make an interesting-

1- Book

2- Movie

3- TV show

Some of you might even think your life would make a great music video- in which case you must live among some very skimpily clad women and/or aren’t the deepest person in the world. I mean if you could tell your life’s story in a music video then you need to get your priorities straight.

Either ways- if you think any of the above--- This story is for you- But let me just warn you- about the nature of the story. I do not sleep with anybody- I do not get any kind of surgery nor do I catch a rare tropical disease-. Nothing blows up and nothing and I mean absolutely nothing gets pregnant. If you still want to read this story then read on.

Firstly let me tell you two things that are important to our story

- Firstly my name is Od. Capital O lower case D (more on that later).

- Secondly the universe is expanding. (little on that now and more on that later)

You see the universe is expanding- you could say the universe is stuck in never-ending puberty. This effects us- I mean think about living with a hormonal universe. That’s the real reason we have seasons and weather- its nothing but mood swings. Those beautiful stars are nothing but far off pimples and zits. You get the basic picture- the universe is expanding.

You will know what that has to do with my story later on.

OOoo wait there’s another piece of important information I need to tell you about.

The date is December 31^st 2007

right- thats it- so lets begin

I woke up and turned over to find a girl next to me- She was 9.34 on the scale of one to ten- ten being the highest. Okay- so maybe that didn’t really happen- but it’s my story and I can write what I want. For once I have some control over my life. And yes I know I said there was no sleeping around in my story but screw that. Infact forget everything I have written earlier in this story except for the three important things I told you not to forget.

So let me start the story again.

It was a beautiful morning. It was beautiful like short women (Hey- beauty is subjective so I can similize what I want- and I happen to be attracted to short women) so like I was saying The morning was beautiful like a short women (Take Natalie Portman for example) (at least I didn’t say the morning was beautiful life a woman giving birth- I mean seriously some people say that is beautiful- but seriously- yuck- I mean you know they throw up and shit and leak and tear and- yuck) so anyway the morning was beautiful like a short woman/girl and not beautiful like a woman giving birth (unless you are into that kind of thing)

SO I woke up next to this really hot woman- she serves absolutely no purpose in my story- so she leaves.

I get up- brush my teeth and sit on the toilet. Here’s a little truth- most men- when at home prefer to sit and take a piss- Really- sometimes we even take a piss and then leave the toilet seat up to look more macho. But in reality we are pansies who like to sit. Its hard to aim- especially in the morning.

I am done peeing- so I go out- I mean I want to enjoy the aforementioned beautiful like a short woman day. But the moment I go outside- the sun comes out from behind the clouds and blares on my face. You know what I mean- I hate that- when the sun is just messing with you- you know- comes out the moment you go out. Apollo is a sun of a bitch.

I begin to sweat. You know what its like- its like hooking up with Natlaie Portman while she is giving birth and growing taller at the same time- which sucks (unless you are into that kind of thing) (I am not judging) (Ooo and I know that I said- no would get pregnant but this doesn’t count).

So where was I- oh yes- I woke up- right. I have written quite a lot and nothing very exciting has happened yet. Which means only one thing

BANG

There was an explosion in the distance.