and what better way to celebrate than by making a movie- well- this movie will be coming soon o youtube near you. well If I ever get around to making it. But I have here- the script. It might seem like any other script- but has over 35 in-jokes and references that only a speciel few will understand. SO see how many you get.
I present to you- and fantastical autobiography thats not---
Erasing ELAINE
HYSUM
AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- That’s it- I am done- finished- done- done with women- girls, females, ladies, The opposite sex- I am done- that’s it finish, finito, done. No more- period- Period- PERIOD- that has to be it. It’s the only reason she would break up with me, its that time of the month- - She bleeds, I break- BITCH.
HYSUM picks up the phone and dials
HYSUM
Hey- its me again- Just wanted your machine to know that I am still not talking to you- right bye- FORIVER-
Hysum slams phone- smacks himself on the head and has a self deprecating look on his face. Pause and then picks up phone again-
HYSUM
Umm- I meant forever- Not FORIVER right then- bye then- okay-
CREDITS ROLL
SCENE:- HYSUM and NEEHA are sitting in starbucks
HYSUM
You think she is ignoring me
NEEHA
You?
HYSUM
Me
NEEHA
She, never
HYSUM
She never or me never?
NEEHA
What?
HYSUM
Is it something she wouldn’t do- or is it something that couldn’t happen to me?
NEEHA
Both-
HYSUM
But they are both happening
NEEHA
You are just over-reacting
HYSUM
I am not over-reacting- she just isn’t reacting- which makes it seem like I am over reacting- while in reality- the level of my reaction is very balanced.
NEEHA
Just give her time, you guys just broke up.
HYSUM
I don’t want to give her time BECAUSE we just broke up- I want us to unbreak- I want us to merge again- figuratively speaking.
NEEHA
You must really love her allot
HYSUM
Well not LOVE- I like her deeply- I fallen deeply in like with her
NEEHA
You never told me, how did you guys meet- was it like at first site for you guys.
HYSUM
Well not exactly. At first site I thought she kinda looked like a toad or a turtle- some kind of green amphibian really. And she has these really cold clammy hands- shudder.
NEEHA
But she liked you instantly then?
HYSUM
Not really- our story really isn’t that interesting. It’s the same old story- you know- boy meets girl- Boy thinks girl looks like a toad- girl is creeped out by boy- the usual.
NEEHA
Your love grew- That kinda love is stronger- you know- she grew on you.
HYSUM
Yea- like fungus.
HYSUM (continuing)
The truth is our entire relationship- was just about lust and deception
NEEHA
Yea she told me about that
HYSUM
She told you? Geez, she hardly knows - why the hell does she have to go around telling people about our private stuff.
NEEHA
She is just letting things out- she is an open book
HYSUM
More like an open audio book on loud and loop.
NEEHA
So you will agree that you are better off without her
HYSUM
Yes- and no- I still want her back- you know. Where ever I look- things remind me of her- I need to erase her from my mind. She dumped me- so I want her back- I am the dumpee- The receiver of the dump- the loser- I don’t want to be the loser- I just want to use her.
At this very moment a girl comes from behind and taps HYSUM on the shoulder. HYSUM- jumps up from his chair surprised and confused.
HYSUM
OH GOD WOMAN- what the hell are you doing here.
ELAINE
HYSUM we need to talk.
HYSUM
I hate it- I hate it when women say that- why do you say WE need to talk- that makes it sound like a conversation- when its always you who end up doing the talking. You should just say, you need to shutup- atleast that way we will get a heads up.
NEEHA
Oh I just remembered I need to do that thing with the thing in the thing
NEEHA leaves
HYSUM
Wow- leave me when I need you- some friend you are- GO THING YOURSELF.
ELAINE
Is this a bad time?
HYSUM
You have always had bad timing.[pause]I really need to get new friends- I mean you can see what a great friend she is and then my other friend. I still don’t believe it- my best friend- you left me for my best friend.
ELAINE
Well he isn’t really your BEST friend
HYSUM
Well- okay maybe not my BEST friend- but he is definitely part of the top three Malaysian friends I have.
ELAINE
He is only half Malaysian.
HYSUM
Yea either ways- I don’t believe it- You left me for one of my top three half Malaysian friends from
ELAINE
Why cant you be happy for me- you know- this for the good- be an optimist like me.
HYSUM
No you are an opportunist. But these are things we can work out. Just give us another chance before you decide to quit us forever.
ELAINE
I would rather give birth to an over-weight horse that is bad with directions than give you another chance.
HYSUM
And I just want to be holding your cold, clammy extremely moist hand in the hospital when you are giving birth to that horse-child.
ELAINE
Why don’t you understand. It’s just that, when I was with you- I didn’t know what to do with myself- but he- he makes my icky thump.
HYSUM
Does he have something I don’t?
ELAINE
He is very good looking
HYSUM
I suppose- but I am decent looking too.
ELAINE
Well- not really… you are just- how do I put this- God was probably laughing when he was making you.
HYSUM
If I had a dhs every time I heard that- I could probably get an extreme makeover by now.
ELAINE
And he has such a great body
HYSUM
Well- I could go to the Gym
ELAINE
You have the lung capacity of an asthmatic gold fish.
HYSUM
Is that it- you are so superficial
ELAINE
I am not done- he is supremely smart, completely charming, amazingly articulate and so sensitive
HYSUM
I am smarter than I look- I am also better looking than I look
ELAINE
Talking about looking- He has the most amazing eyes
HYSUM
I get the general idea- you can stop before you reach the bottom half of his body.
ELAINE
And he is reliable and durable and athletic.
HYSUM
I can be mildly athletic in thumb wrestling.
ELAINE
And he is oh so artistic- he sings and he can play 11 different instruments- He paints-and he can speak 9 different languages. He single handedly saved the entire population of the duckbill platypus from extinction and he is on the verge of discovering the cure for a rare tropical disease.
HYSUM
Yea well- I can burp the alphabets
ELAINE
He can burp the alphabets in 9 different languages.
HYSUM
Well yea- but you didn’t even like him when you first met him
ELAINE
Well I am not easily impressed
HYSUM
Lets go out today- I will impress you- guaranteed.
ELAINE
I am not going to go out with you again. We are finished
HYSUM
Just one last time- you know- I won’t ask you to date me again- I just want to go out on a good note- then we can go our separate ways.
ELAINE
Okay- one last time- for old time’s sake.
HYSUM
Perfect- Hot burger at four tomrw.
ELAINE
Sure- on a side note- Have you been telling people I look like a
toad.
HYSUM
Me…never
ELAINE
Oh god you did- You are such a selfish inconsiderate pig
HYSUM
I never called you a toad
ELAINE gets up and walks away
HYSUM
Don’t you hop away from me- I mean walk- walk away- Don’t you walk away from me. Right bye -I will see you tomorrow then.
Screen fades- Scene:- Hot Burger HYSUM is sitting inside wearing a suit while Elaine is sitting inside wearing a sweatshirt. Elaine looks really awkward sitting there while HYSUM has a nonchalant expression on his face.
ELAINE
Why the hell are you wearing a suit, you look like weasel wearing a penguin disguise that he rented from the used suit boot shop for 99 cents and a bag of used toothpicks.
HYSUM
I think I look rather fetching
ELAINE
Only to another weasel wearing a bad penguin disguise if the said weasel was extremely desperate.
HYSUM
I think it is rather befitting to the occasion.
ELAINE
What Occasion?
HYSUM
Enough smalltalk- lets order some food- what would you like- some cheesecake maybe- the cheesecake here tastes just like heaven. Well, a slightly above mediocre heaven. Or maybe we should start with some drinks- the place has some great drinks. They have the ETISALAT, the INTERNET, THE VIAGRA, THE BURJ AL ARAB, The computer- all maginificiant drinks.
ELAINE
I think I will just have some water
HYSUM (shouting)
WAITER, WATER
HYSUM
You know- you look very pretty today
ELAINE
Thank you
HYSUM
You look like Kiera Knightley trying to get into a toad outfit.
ELAINE
Stop with the toad thing, otherwise I am leaving.
HYSUM
sorry- sorry- no more toads.
The waiter brings a glass of water and keeps it on ELAINE’s table. ELAINE accidently spills the water on HYSUMS lap
HYSUM
That’s it- that’s the final straw- I can’t take it anymore.
ELAINE
What are you talking about?
HYSUM
I am talking about us- we are finished- I am leaving you
ELAINE
You can’t leave me.
HYSUM
Yes I can- I am dumping you
ELAINE
You can’t dump me- I dumped you
HYSUM
Stop trying ELAINE, we aren’t meant to be.
ELAINE
You can’t leave me-
HYSUM
Stop begging me to stay- I am going to leave now and leave you some dignity- I hope we can remain friends.
Hysum stands up and begins to walk away slowly
ELAINE
No, come back- we can work it out
HYSUM
Its too late. I am just too good for you- good bye.
ELAINE
But- but
HYSUM
Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.
