I've grown up with the movies. They have inspired my living. They have as a matter of fact been the primary source of my education. Sex ed would be a lot more complicated without the movies. Karate kid taught me self defense. Home Alone taught me to shave. Die hard thought me to swear. I learned history from Gladiator, Science from Back to the Future and math from a beautiful mind. But at this moment I am starting to regret it. Because the movies taught me about Love- and romance it seems is a lie.
Kate Winslet- Sam Mendes
Sandra Bullock- Jesse James
Reese Witherspoon- Jake Gyllenhaal
Kristen Stewert- Michael Angarano
Susan Sarandon- Tim Robbins
These are just some of the couples from the film world who have broken up over the past 12 months. What I am saying is this, if the woman who ran back to a sinking ship to try and save the man she loves can't seem to make a relationship work in real life, what are my chances- to make matters worse I'm not very picturgenic if you want to draw me naked- at least Kate had that going for her.
Sandra bullock found love on a bus that couldn't slow down, got a comatose guy and his brother to fall in love with her. She had a romance with her relationship phobic boss in 2 weeks notice and with her assistant in the Proposal but guess what- shes getting a divorce. If she can't have someone be into her what are my chances. It's Bollocks.
Jake Gyllenhaals gay romance ended with heart and back break and but even the gay cowboy romantic couldn't keep his romance going with a woman who went to law school to be with her boy-friend. I mean lets face it these two are committed but for some reason even they couldn't stay committed to each other.
Kristen Stewert- this woman stayed with the guy she loved even after she found out he was a 100 year old vampire, She stayed with him after she found out he glittered in the sun, she stayed with him even though he looked like Robert Pattison. She stayed with him even after a mostly topless six-packed warewolf tried to seduce he-this woman was ready to put up with all this- Imean clearly she haslow standards and expectations but even her standards of love could not be reached. If she can't do it, how can I. I actually want a girl who doesn't randomly climb trees.
These people have actual practice making love work but I don't. If they don't have happy endings how can I? I have for my entire life searched for an happy ending and I have come to realize there are no such thing as an happy ending for one good reason. There are no endings. Things go on, life goes on and love goes on. They don't end like in the movies. They just don't end- there's happy and there's unhappy but there is no ending.
So I'm starting to think that the movies have instigated in me a kind of longing for romance that doesn't exist in the long run but then again it seems to exist in me. So it has to be real because otherwise it means I am not real.
I suppose at the end the truth is life is larger than the movies and I am larger than life.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Somewhere over the Romeo
A friend very recently asked a very relevant question on her Facebook wall ( "How long does being in love with someone last when the other someone isn't showing they love that person back?" ) It's a great question and one worth thinking about. There is of course a standard answer to this kind of question; that answer being "It depends" but my job here is not to depend but comprehend and so I have come up with my own standard answer or more appropriately an answer of standard. There are a few basic things that come in the way of getting over somebody and they as follows:
If you are a girl from now on you will be refereed to as Juliet and the idea is to get over Romeo and Vice Versa if you are a guy. You know what to do if your gay.
1- The Hope and Skip
The idea is this- Romeo is mostly horrible to you but then they do something sweet, an act of genuine goodness towards you. This something often makes you overlook every other asshole thing the other person has done and makes you feel a sense of hope. ("This sweet thing- this is real- the assholeness isn't- if we were together it would be more like this- he does care about me") This in turn gives fuel for you to go on through the next 100 asshole things Romeo will do till the next act of sweetness ("So what if he killed my mother by choking her with my kitten while sleeping with my arch nemesis he said he missed me when I was at my mother's funeral") . Juliet always looks for this moment of hope that allows her to skip through the 100 other things because it backs up their Gut feeling.
P.S- The act of sweetness is often only sweet because the person did it, if someone else had done something similar for you, you couldn't care less ("Thank you for coming to my mother and cat's joint funeral this way I can tell you what a sweet guy Romeo is because he misses me while I am here and he is in bed with my arch nemesis")
2- Guthead
The second factor is the voice in the gut. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter what's going on on the outside- deep deep deep down inside you always always feel that
Romeo feels the same way about you.Your gut says at the end it will be like you want it to be. So people often inadvertently follow their gut because they can't trace the origin of
this feeling witch makes the feeling something more mystical, supernatural- it feels like a premonition- fateful and it is often very deceiving. Here's the thing though- the definition of Gut in the dictionary is
this-part of the alimentary canal and especially the intestine or stomach you see there's hardly anything magical about it. Your Gut quite literally
knows shit. But your gut says your gut is right. As long as this Gut feeling exists you cannot get over anybody.
3- The Ugly Fuckling
The Phenomena is this- at this time- when you need some one else (a rebound) Cupid decides it's time for baby to get back for all that hate you give to love. And so the opposite sex can now some how sense you are into someone else and this seems to attract them but there's a problem with
this- everyone who is attracted to you at this point is just not that great. They are all either Ugly, Boring, Retarded or Crazy if not all of the above and instead of finding a rebound you end up feeling Romeo is so much better than every other idiot who is coming your way. Which only makes Romeo seem better and better to you when in all reality the truth is they are only relatively better. You see- it depends
The above three are key reason it's so difficult to get over somebody. So how long does it take. There are a few factors to keep in mind when answering that question.
The history of the relationship- in answering this question I am going to assume that Romeo and Juliet did not just get out of a relationship. That they are and will remain friends for a while.
I am also assuming that the person has an inkling of what's going on
It could take anywhere between 3 months to 5 years. The most important thing is to find someone else. Not a rebound but an actual person who can break your heart. The only way to really get over a person is to find someone else to get over. We are only happy in heartbreak.
If you are a girl from now on you will be refereed to as Juliet and the idea is to get over Romeo and Vice Versa if you are a guy. You know what to do if your gay.
1- The Hope and Skip
The idea is this- Romeo is mostly horrible to you but then they do something sweet, an act of genuine goodness towards you. This something often makes you overlook every other asshole thing the other person has done and makes you feel a sense of hope. ("This sweet thing- this is real- the assholeness isn't- if we were together it would be more like this- he does care about me") This in turn gives fuel for you to go on through the next 100 asshole things Romeo will do till the next act of sweetness ("So what if he killed my mother by choking her with my kitten while sleeping with my arch nemesis he said he missed me when I was at my mother's funeral") . Juliet always looks for this moment of hope that allows her to skip through the 100 other things because it backs up their Gut feeling.
P.S- The act of sweetness is often only sweet because the person did it, if someone else had done something similar for you, you couldn't care less ("Thank you for coming to my mother and cat's joint funeral this way I can tell you what a sweet guy Romeo is because he misses me while I am here and he is in bed with my arch nemesis")
2- Guthead
The second factor is the voice in the gut. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter what's going on on the outside- deep deep deep down inside you always always feel that
Romeo feels the same way about you.Your gut says at the end it will be like you want it to be. So people often inadvertently follow their gut because they can't trace the origin of
this feeling witch makes the feeling something more mystical, supernatural- it feels like a premonition- fateful and it is often very deceiving. Here's the thing though- the definition of Gut in the dictionary is
this-part of the alimentary canal and especially the intestine or stomach
knows shit. But your gut says your gut is right. As long as this Gut feeling exists you cannot get over anybody.
3- The Ugly Fuckling
The Phenomena is this- at this time- when you need some one else (a rebound) Cupid decides it's time for baby to get back for all that hate you give to love. And so the opposite sex can now some how sense you are into someone else and this seems to attract them but there's a problem with
this- everyone who is attracted to you at this point is just not that great. They are all either Ugly, Boring, Retarded or Crazy if not all of the above and instead of finding a rebound you end up feeling Romeo is so much better than every other idiot who is coming your way. Which only makes Romeo seem better and better to you when in all reality the truth is they are only relatively better. You see- it depends
The above three are key reason it's so difficult to get over somebody. So how long does it take. There are a few factors to keep in mind when answering that question.
The history of the relationship- in answering this question I am going to assume that Romeo and Juliet did not just get out of a relationship. That they are and will remain friends for a while.
I am also assuming that the person has an inkling of what's going on
It could take anywhere between 3 months to 5 years. The most important thing is to find someone else. Not a rebound but an actual person who can break your heart. The only way to really get over a person is to find someone else to get over. We are only happy in heartbreak.
Friday, November 13, 2009
The Last Will and Testament of Sufjan "Bad Boy" Gonsalves
I'm back Bitches
As the above mentioned line very subtly implies I'm back.
With a bit of a bang, not of the gang variety.
I'm right now in the process of making a movie. A Love Story of sorts.
This isn't that movie. This is me with a camera at 5 am.
Enjoy it
and please please let me know what you think.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCrL5qPa004
As the above mentioned line very subtly implies I'm back.
With a bit of a bang, not of the gang variety.
I'm right now in the process of making a movie. A Love Story of sorts.
This isn't that movie. This is me with a camera at 5 am.
Enjoy it
and please please let me know what you think.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCrL5qPa004
Monday, April 27, 2009
Made Redundant
Chapter two
I have to break up with her. Break up is such a harsh word, it makes us sound like we were fixed together, we were one and now we are two incomplete halves. They say if you cut a worm in half it grows back, thats probably why the breaker upper is referred to as a worm. I don't want to be a worm, I want to be referred to as a decent guy. Its so freaking hard to actually break up with someone, especially when the only reason you are breaking up is because you don't like her as much as you should. What the hell do you say to that? At least if you are cheating on her you have an excuse. How do you go up to someone who is smart, attractive, funny and has a great personality, how do you go up to them and say- I want to break your heart but I have no reason for it. Can I say, it's the recession- I am downsizing, we are going to have to let you go. I am going to have to break up with her, break up is such a harsh word. I am going to make her available.
And so I meet her. It's a coffee shop, I make sure she orders ice tea, just in case she decides to throw her drink at me.
"you know, I am gonna make this as quick and simple as possible. Not too quick of course cause you deserve more time and not too simple because its a complicated issue" (You know, before conversations like this. When you are practicing what you are going to say over and over again it always seems so perfect and then in the moment, you hear yourself and your tongue is dry, and everything you say is out of order and then they say something you did not expect. You know the other person in your head is always so helpful but in real life they are just sitting there with their ice tea waiting for loopholes in your perfectly scripted spontaneous conversation.)
"What i mean to say is we should separate ways, I want to make you available to other people" (okay good sentence, well articulated, listen to your head not the sounds of your stomach)
"You want to MAKE me AVAILABLE, what are you, my pimp- you take me for a whore"
"No, what I meant was, I think you and I should dissolve'
"Just be a man and tell me you wanna break up, you fucking asshole"
(at least I am not a worm) "I agree with what you just said"
That of course was the short version of the breakup. These thigns tend to go on for very long, I just wrote down the snappy, less painful version of it. On the brighter side she did not throw her ice tea at me but not I wish she did, since I paid for that over-priced thing if she threw it at me atleast I would be the one making use of it. Away she went anyway, a perfectly nice girl. I blame the movies. the movies have brought me up to believe that every girl who hates me is potentially the love of my life.
I have to break up with her. Break up is such a harsh word, it makes us sound like we were fixed together, we were one and now we are two incomplete halves. They say if you cut a worm in half it grows back, thats probably why the breaker upper is referred to as a worm. I don't want to be a worm, I want to be referred to as a decent guy. Its so freaking hard to actually break up with someone, especially when the only reason you are breaking up is because you don't like her as much as you should. What the hell do you say to that? At least if you are cheating on her you have an excuse. How do you go up to someone who is smart, attractive, funny and has a great personality, how do you go up to them and say- I want to break your heart but I have no reason for it. Can I say, it's the recession- I am downsizing, we are going to have to let you go. I am going to have to break up with her, break up is such a harsh word. I am going to make her available.
And so I meet her. It's a coffee shop, I make sure she orders ice tea, just in case she decides to throw her drink at me.
"you know, I am gonna make this as quick and simple as possible. Not too quick of course cause you deserve more time and not too simple because its a complicated issue" (You know, before conversations like this. When you are practicing what you are going to say over and over again it always seems so perfect and then in the moment, you hear yourself and your tongue is dry, and everything you say is out of order and then they say something you did not expect. You know the other person in your head is always so helpful but in real life they are just sitting there with their ice tea waiting for loopholes in your perfectly scripted spontaneous conversation.)
"What i mean to say is we should separate ways, I want to make you available to other people" (okay good sentence, well articulated, listen to your head not the sounds of your stomach)
"You want to MAKE me AVAILABLE, what are you, my pimp- you take me for a whore"
"No, what I meant was, I think you and I should dissolve'
"Just be a man and tell me you wanna break up, you fucking asshole"
(at least I am not a worm) "I agree with what you just said"
That of course was the short version of the breakup. These thigns tend to go on for very long, I just wrote down the snappy, less painful version of it. On the brighter side she did not throw her ice tea at me but not I wish she did, since I paid for that over-priced thing if she threw it at me atleast I would be the one making use of it. Away she went anyway, a perfectly nice girl. I blame the movies. the movies have brought me up to believe that every girl who hates me is potentially the love of my life.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Half a Million Thoughts
Chapter One
Sitting down on a computer- 11:42. She's an acquaintance of acquaintance of an acquaintance whose on my friends list. I first saw her on facebook and it was love at first site.
11:46- Friend request- She will accept me, she will accept me not, she will accept me.
Is it cheating if I'm in love with some else. Dating should come with expiry dates. That way we can throw em out before they go bad. Love depreciates with the number of orgasms I have, I think this is why older married couples stop having sex, to keep the love. Too late, I should leave Shama. I'm in love with every other girl who whose willing to give me time. I am hopeless and in love but am not hopelessly in love.
Am I a bad person. I don't put a question mark cause it's a rhetorical question. She loves me I love her not. Her love is rhetorical too. I met her at a party, it was a three part process.
Our Eyes Met
We Met
We Mate
Some fish Mate for life, they also have five second memories.
I have good memories of her, decent memories. I wonder if she will get over me, I am over her, even though we are still dating. I think boredom is a stronger feeling than Love.
12:04- Phone rings, its her ring tone. She has her own ringtone, her own nick name. She's like a jingle now, a way to advertise me, to make me more interesting to others. I am more interesting now cause I come with attachments.
I don't want to pick up the phone. I don't want to talk to her, what if I have nothing to say. I can't improvise life. I hope she thinks I'm sleeping. Still ringing. I'll have to pick it up but I'll make it short, cell phones give you tumors.
"Heylo, how are ya (can i keep the phone now) I was just sleeping, you know me, always sleeping (is it too early to keep the phone now). Can I see you tomorrow, I really miss you" (Women fake orgasms we fake enthusiasm)- oh yea you have that midterm, you should study (only ask for things she cant provide) Yea no I'm good- like I said I was sleeping ( I feel a lull coming, I should keep the phone now) I am going to have to keep the phone now I got knives in my eyes. Nite, me too, Mwwwaaaahhh"
Sitting down on a computer- 11:42. She's an acquaintance of acquaintance of an acquaintance whose on my friends list. I first saw her on facebook and it was love at first site.
11:46- Friend request- She will accept me, she will accept me not, she will accept me.
Is it cheating if I'm in love with some else. Dating should come with expiry dates. That way we can throw em out before they go bad. Love depreciates with the number of orgasms I have, I think this is why older married couples stop having sex, to keep the love. Too late, I should leave Shama. I'm in love with every other girl who whose willing to give me time. I am hopeless and in love but am not hopelessly in love.
Am I a bad person. I don't put a question mark cause it's a rhetorical question. She loves me I love her not. Her love is rhetorical too. I met her at a party, it was a three part process.
Our Eyes Met
We Met
We Mate
Some fish Mate for life, they also have five second memories.
I have good memories of her, decent memories. I wonder if she will get over me, I am over her, even though we are still dating. I think boredom is a stronger feeling than Love.
12:04- Phone rings, its her ring tone. She has her own ringtone, her own nick name. She's like a jingle now, a way to advertise me, to make me more interesting to others. I am more interesting now cause I come with attachments.
I don't want to pick up the phone. I don't want to talk to her, what if I have nothing to say. I can't improvise life. I hope she thinks I'm sleeping. Still ringing. I'll have to pick it up but I'll make it short, cell phones give you tumors.
"Heylo, how are ya (can i keep the phone now) I was just sleeping, you know me, always sleeping (is it too early to keep the phone now). Can I see you tomorrow, I really miss you" (Women fake orgasms we fake enthusiasm)- oh yea you have that midterm, you should study (only ask for things she cant provide) Yea no I'm good- like I said I was sleeping ( I feel a lull coming, I should keep the phone now) I am going to have to keep the phone now I got knives in my eyes. Nite, me too, Mwwwaaaahhh"
Sunday, February 08, 2009
The Secret to my Success
Are you depressed like the penis of an 80 year old man freshly out of a cold shower?
Is life treating you like a Nudist treats his cloths, throwing you off any opportunity he gets?
Does it seem like your friends care more about Ross and Rachel getting together than they care about you?
Do you feel like you deserve a better better half?
Are you taken for granted when you should be Hugh Granted?
Do you feel like your soul is bare feet?
Do you feel lonely like the sunrise when she finds out everyone is asleep even though just moments ago they were out partying?
Family does your understand less you you this than sentence understand?
If so then I want to tell you something
SUCK IT UP
that's right you heard me
SUCK THE FUCK UP
Cause you aren't the only one. That's right you aren't remotely unique, every single person in your age group has the same pathetic issues. All I have done is issued the issues on this issue of my blog. So suck it up.
But if you aren't willing to do that than well I got another solution for you. I call it 'the confidential' think of it as 'the secret' but with more syllables. You see for centuries rich, happy people have been keeping a secret one that could shake the very foundations of humanity (the foundations of humanity would be our legs- so I guess that's just a fancy way of saying it will make you weak at the knees). You too could know this secret, you too could be happy. I'll tell you what this secret is- but right after this commercial break...
Drink Pepsi- it will have big busted women want to have sex with you and then they will ask for more.
Use corn flakes- It will have big busted women want to have sex with you and you will get a free toy.
Spray of Axe- It will have big busted women want to have sex with you if you look like hot model in this advertisement.
Get life insurance it will have big busted women want to have sex with you but they are probably gold diggers.
Use Durex Condoms- If you meet big busted women want to have sex with you.
Eat chocolate- It will stop you from having sex with random men who show no other qualities but excessive eating, soft drink drinking and use of deodorant.
Welcome back after that commercial break. Now to the secret. But not so fast, lets first have a quick montage of all the things you could have after I tell you the secret.
*This video has been blocked by Bush*
And now its finally time for what you have all been waiting for- the big secret and the secret is...
DINGG
I'm sorry it looks like we are out of time but tune in next week for the next post where we will give out the 'THE CONFIDENTIAL'
Is life treating you like a Nudist treats his cloths, throwing you off any opportunity he gets?
Does it seem like your friends care more about Ross and Rachel getting together than they care about you?
Do you feel like you deserve a better better half?
Are you taken for granted when you should be Hugh Granted?
Do you feel like your soul is bare feet?
Do you feel lonely like the sunrise when she finds out everyone is asleep even though just moments ago they were out partying?
Family does your understand less you you this than sentence understand?
If so then I want to tell you something
SUCK IT UP
that's right you heard me
SUCK THE FUCK UP
Cause you aren't the only one. That's right you aren't remotely unique, every single person in your age group has the same pathetic issues. All I have done is issued the issues on this issue of my blog. So suck it up.
But if you aren't willing to do that than well I got another solution for you. I call it 'the confidential' think of it as 'the secret' but with more syllables. You see for centuries rich, happy people have been keeping a secret one that could shake the very foundations of humanity (the foundations of humanity would be our legs- so I guess that's just a fancy way of saying it will make you weak at the knees). You too could know this secret, you too could be happy. I'll tell you what this secret is- but right after this commercial break...
Drink Pepsi- it will have big busted women want to have sex with you and then they will ask for more.
Use corn flakes- It will have big busted women want to have sex with you and you will get a free toy.
Spray of Axe- It will have big busted women want to have sex with you if you look like hot model in this advertisement.
Get life insurance it will have big busted women want to have sex with you but they are probably gold diggers.
Use Durex Condoms- If you meet big busted women want to have sex with you.
Eat chocolate- It will stop you from having sex with random men who show no other qualities but excessive eating, soft drink drinking and use of deodorant.
Welcome back after that commercial break. Now to the secret. But not so fast, lets first have a quick montage of all the things you could have after I tell you the secret.
*This video has been blocked by Bush*
And now its finally time for what you have all been waiting for- the big secret and the secret is...
DINGG
I'm sorry it looks like we are out of time but tune in next week for the next post where we will give out the 'THE CONFIDENTIAL'
Monday, February 02, 2009
Between Now and Then
Think about this for a second; I want you to think back to your birth. There you were inside your mothers womb and you tore through, ripping up your mother. You pushed out and you came to life. That is the most amazing, the greatest thing you ever did and nothing you will ever do after that will match up to the sheer brilliance of it. You will never top that. You have already lived the best moment of your life and you dont even remember it. Life is all downhill after you are born.
Then there is death. You could do a million bazillion things right and it would mean nothing to no one but one mistake, by you, by any one and you could be dead. The odds are against you being alive. Every moment,e very second of your life is chance. The wheel of fortune, jeopardy; it's deal or no deal- death or no death.
You were born through a fuck and you are gonna die a fuck and the worst part is, no one gives a fuck.
Then there is death. You could do a million bazillion things right and it would mean nothing to no one but one mistake, by you, by any one and you could be dead. The odds are against you being alive. Every moment,e very second of your life is chance. The wheel of fortune, jeopardy; it's deal or no deal- death or no death.
You were born through a fuck and you are gonna die a fuck and the worst part is, no one gives a fuck.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Anosmia
I have been walking around I have noticed this new phenomenon. Every is dying their hair blond. I am not sure what it's about but I think it's supposed to be enticing in some way. I have only one thing to say to these people. Love is blind not Blond.
Of course Love may be be blind but what about it's sense of smell. Does love disregard stink. What is love? Many have pondered this question for centuries, including DR NAT KING COLE who said L is for the way you look at me O is for the only one I see. Though you will find many beli8evers and non-believers of DR Cole. He too disregards the idea of smell when it comes to love.
Those who have been in love will all agree that there's something about the way people smell. A person's smell can be intensely enticing. The nostril is facial clitoris.
I don't know about the birds but I do know that the bee's do it. They let out a smell that attracts a mate. I think its called, pheromones or something, again I am not sure I didn't do much research. The only research I did constitutes of going around smelling women. But as it turns out the smell is very important when we choose who to be with. We don't really know this, it isn't really conscience. I want to tell you is this
Take some time out of your day to smell the one you Love.
Of course Love may be be blind but what about it's sense of smell. Does love disregard stink. What is love? Many have pondered this question for centuries, including DR NAT KING COLE who said L is for the way you look at me O is for the only one I see. Though you will find many beli8evers and non-believers of DR Cole. He too disregards the idea of smell when it comes to love.
Those who have been in love will all agree that there's something about the way people smell. A person's smell can be intensely enticing. The nostril is facial clitoris.
I don't know about the birds but I do know that the bee's do it. They let out a smell that attracts a mate. I think its called, pheromones or something, again I am not sure I didn't do much research. The only research I did constitutes of going around smelling women. But as it turns out the smell is very important when we choose who to be with. We don't really know this, it isn't really conscience. I want to tell you is this
Take some time out of your day to smell the one you Love.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
the suicide kid
I have decided to take Sam's suggestion I shall now follow people such as Hitler into Naziness, I mean suicide. I have no will to live but I have written will for death. All my possessions will go to charity including my student loan bills, my bastard child and my court order for possession of drugs, as a matter of fact those are all my possessions.
You are probably wondering what drove me to kill myself, I was hopping it would be a cabbie but they are impossible to catch, extremely dangerous and oh so expensive, I mean if I was to run as fast as the metre on these cabs I would get there faster than the cab. So that is to say I walked into my own grave, figuratively speaking not literally. I am afraid of heights well I guess a grave is more depths but its kinda the depth from the ground so its heights. Its complicated really. I guess my mode of transportation is not all that important to you at all. Lets just gt back to why I killed myself.
There are many reasons- The first one of course is depression. No, I am not talking about being sad I mean the economy. We are in a depression and while I don't understand economics I understand people will be made redundant and while I dont totally understand what the word means I am gonna guess its re doing whats dun which we dant have to do. Simply put why re do what we dundant. I am also killing myself cause I am lonely but not in a cool way like the lone ranger but in a crappy way like RnB singers. I have no one just one gnome. A garden Gnome, I call him Grape. Cause I like Grapes [Note the G in Gnome is silent but the G in Grape is not]. I am killing myself because the girl I love doesn't love me back, she loves me front, me side and me top but just wont love me from the back. She says its very awkward. So now I am going to hang myself after which I will commit suicide. I am also killing myself cause I am filled with angst in my pants or are those ants. Eitherways its in my pants.
I want to die in a wholly original way. Lie no one has committed suicide. That is to say I have decided to die of old age. I mean you guys know life and lets face it- life is nothing but suicide in tiny increments.
You are probably wondering what drove me to kill myself, I was hopping it would be a cabbie but they are impossible to catch, extremely dangerous and oh so expensive, I mean if I was to run as fast as the metre on these cabs I would get there faster than the cab. So that is to say I walked into my own grave, figuratively speaking not literally. I am afraid of heights well I guess a grave is more depths but its kinda the depth from the ground so its heights. Its complicated really. I guess my mode of transportation is not all that important to you at all. Lets just gt back to why I killed myself.
There are many reasons- The first one of course is depression. No, I am not talking about being sad I mean the economy. We are in a depression and while I don't understand economics I understand people will be made redundant and while I dont totally understand what the word means I am gonna guess its re doing whats dun which we dant have to do. Simply put why re do what we dundant. I am also killing myself cause I am lonely but not in a cool way like the lone ranger but in a crappy way like RnB singers. I have no one just one gnome. A garden Gnome, I call him Grape. Cause I like Grapes [Note the G in Gnome is silent but the G in Grape is not]. I am killing myself because the girl I love doesn't love me back, she loves me front, me side and me top but just wont love me from the back. She says its very awkward. So now I am going to hang myself after which I will commit suicide. I am also killing myself cause I am filled with angst in my pants or are those ants. Eitherways its in my pants.
I want to die in a wholly original way. Lie no one has committed suicide. That is to say I have decided to die of old age. I mean you guys know life and lets face it- life is nothing but suicide in tiny increments.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Mildly Articulate, Definitely Dyslexic
The following are a few words that should be in the in the dictionary of everyone who knows me. This is mostly because I am working very hard on entering these terms into the dictionary. So lets begin...
Festicle- A festival of testicle, also known as guys night out.
Coke Choke- When someone says something particularly funny while you have a form of liquid in your mouth that you end up sending up your nose.
Craptrap- Either constipation or those moments of anxiety (eg- a first date or public speaking) when you really want to take a dump but cant.
Sleeping like a baby on Rufi's- sleeping for over 12 hours.
Hip-notism/ crack addict- You know those times when there's a guy and the top of his crack is visible and no matter how hard you try your eyes keeping inadvertently fixated on it.
Severe Infatuation- When a person you barely know tells you that hey love you.
QualiTITy or quanTITu- the eternal question of small real breasts or big fake breasts.
Assterbation- the act of figuratively talking out of your ass or masturbating the ass.
Going down on a girl- The female equivalent of sucking up.
Natural selection- The name that is given to a relationship where the guy and girl are no more together but still naturally behave like a couple because they are too used to being one.
Contracting companies- the best friend of the high maintainance girl you are going out with. She will help you take care of the girl friend.
The 38th minute lull- The part of the conversation where you are running out of things to talk about and begin to speak non-sense.
Dick magnet- The female equivalent of a chick magnet
Hair-a-kiri- A person who looks like a hot girl from behind due their hair but turns out to be an ugly dude.
Festicle- A festival of testicle, also known as guys night out.
Coke Choke- When someone says something particularly funny while you have a form of liquid in your mouth that you end up sending up your nose.
Craptrap- Either constipation or those moments of anxiety (eg- a first date or public speaking) when you really want to take a dump but cant.
Sleeping like a baby on Rufi's- sleeping for over 12 hours.
Hip-notism/ crack addict- You know those times when there's a guy and the top of his crack is visible and no matter how hard you try your eyes keeping inadvertently fixated on it.
Severe Infatuation- When a person you barely know tells you that hey love you.
QualiTITy or quanTITu- the eternal question of small real breasts or big fake breasts.
Assterbation- the act of figuratively talking out of your ass or masturbating the ass.
Going down on a girl- The female equivalent of sucking up.
Natural selection- The name that is given to a relationship where the guy and girl are no more together but still naturally behave like a couple because they are too used to being one.
Contracting companies- the best friend of the high maintainance girl you are going out with. She will help you take care of the girl friend.
The 38th minute lull- The part of the conversation where you are running out of things to talk about and begin to speak non-sense.
Dick magnet- The female equivalent of a chick magnet
Hair-a-kiri- A person who looks like a hot girl from behind due their hair but turns out to be an ugly dude.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
This thing, that thing
This thing, that thing
The guys
“That’s it, I am done, finished, done, done with women, girls, females, ladies, the opposite sex, I am done, that’s it finish, finito, done. No more; period Period PERIOD; that has to be it. It’s the only reason she would break up with me; it’s that time of the month. She bleeds, I break, BITCH.”
“Dude, calm down and just tell me what happened”
This is Adam and Jason, two guys, two average guys with the minds of average men. They think like average men and they talk like average men. Adam was in an average relationship. He was an above average kisser and had an IQ right in the middle of what was considered average.
The girls
“Oh my god he is such a bastard. You won’t believe what he did. I don’t know why I ever went out with him. You think you can change them but it’s just impossible to get them to listen.”
“That bastard I told you he wasn’t right for you right when I met him. What he do this time”
This is Elaine and Natalie. They are average women. Average in everyway Adam and Jason are. This is your average everyday story.
The guys
“I’m watching TV and she comes up to me. It’s frilly and black.
“Yea okay I get it. Just go on.”
“yea, whatever, it’s this dress. And she asks me about the dress. You know, she asks me what I think of it. And I tell her it’s nice. Kinda tight but nice.”
The girls
“I was wearing the new gown we got from Mango”
“Oh, which one”
“It’s dark grey one with a low cut collar and satin lining. It’s knee length and I got it at this sale. They were practically giving it away.”
“Oh wow, sounds beautiful. Is the sale still on?”
“No, it was one day only. And I got this on that day for Adam and my anniversary. And I try it on with the matching shoes and everything and I ask him how I look. He takes his eyes of the TV for a second and he says You're a repellently obese old hag upon whom I am compelled to heap insults and derision - depressingly far removed from the, 'stupid, squeaky, sLuty women,' who make up my vast catalogue of former lovers and to whom I might as well return right now as I hate everything about you."
“Oh my god what a bastard”
The guys
“All of a sudden she is offended because I don’t know what and she just walks away without saying anything, which I don’t mind. How much can these women talk?”
“At least you got to watch the game in peace. I mean what a game”
“That’s the thing. I missed it man. She came back and wanted to talk. She are always about the talking.”
“She made you miss the game? You’re definitely better off without her”
The girls
“I decide to give him the silent treatment. He hates nothing more than when I don’t talk to him. So I am just sitting not saying anything and he doesn’t say a word. You know those men and their pride. They will never apologize.”
“So he just sat there as if nothing happened?”
“Yea- he was watching something on TV. So I took the remote switched the TV off and went to my room and then he finally followed. He might be stubborn but he cant take it when I don’t talk to him. The silent treatment kills him.”
The guys
“She took the remote. She took the freakin remote”
“Dude, this woman is cruel. You just don’t separate a man from his remote”
“So I follow her to the bedroom to get the remote back and she begins to talk and she doesn’t stop. She is going on about communication and asks me if I am cheating on her and I don’t know what. I am just sitting there nodding my head and agreeing.”
“Good move”
“Exactly, that’s what I thought but then she asks if I love her and I say of course baby I love you”
“Oh wow, you said that. You must really like her”
“I do, she is quite something”
“Geez man, stop getting all emotional on me. You gonna make me barf”
The girls
“I don’t know if he loves me anymore, so I ask him and he says, get this, of course baby I love you”
“Ouch, cold.”
“I know, it’s never a good sign when they say baby”
“I wasn’t going to say this but Adam is always flirting with me every time we meet. I just don’t think he’s a nice guy”
“I noticed and the whole baby thing that was the final straw. I just stormed out of there. I am moving out”
The guys
“and she just stormed out. Just like that.
“What a bitch. She took the remote with her.”
“Enough with the remote thing man; my girlfriend just left me.”
“Where she go?”
“I don’t know, probably to Natalie’s place.”
“Whose Natalie?”
“Elaine’s best friend, I hate her. She’s always putting all these stupid thoughts in Elaine’s head”
The girls
“We have been living together for almost a year now and it doesn’t seem like Adam is willing to commit any further. I think it’s just best I moved out”
“He isn’t all that bad. Give him a chance. You can’t just give up on him.”
“I guess you’re right. I have wasted too much time on him to leave him now. I am going to go see him”
“Well, are you going to go see him wearing that?”
“Well, there is a sale a forever 21”
The guys
“Dude, I am going to marry her”
“Congratulations man”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I am going to do. I am going to get going man. I am going to ask her to marry me right now”
“Now?”
“Yea, now”
“Well, it’s almost time for the game”
“Now?”
“Yea, now”
“Well, I guess she’s waited for so long. She can wait a little longer”
“Lets see, where did I put the remote?”
The guys
“That’s it, I am done, finished, done, done with women, girls, females, ladies, the opposite sex, I am done, that’s it finish, finito, done. No more; period Period PERIOD; that has to be it. It’s the only reason she would break up with me; it’s that time of the month. She bleeds, I break, BITCH.”
“Dude, calm down and just tell me what happened”
This is Adam and Jason, two guys, two average guys with the minds of average men. They think like average men and they talk like average men. Adam was in an average relationship. He was an above average kisser and had an IQ right in the middle of what was considered average.
The girls
“Oh my god he is such a bastard. You won’t believe what he did. I don’t know why I ever went out with him. You think you can change them but it’s just impossible to get them to listen.”
“That bastard I told you he wasn’t right for you right when I met him. What he do this time”
This is Elaine and Natalie. They are average women. Average in everyway Adam and Jason are. This is your average everyday story.
The guys
“I’m watching TV and she comes up to me. It’s frilly and black.
“Yea okay I get it. Just go on.”
“yea, whatever, it’s this dress. And she asks me about the dress. You know, she asks me what I think of it. And I tell her it’s nice. Kinda tight but nice.”
The girls
“I was wearing the new gown we got from Mango”
“Oh, which one”
“It’s dark grey one with a low cut collar and satin lining. It’s knee length and I got it at this sale. They were practically giving it away.”
“Oh wow, sounds beautiful. Is the sale still on?”
“No, it was one day only. And I got this on that day for Adam and my anniversary. And I try it on with the matching shoes and everything and I ask him how I look. He takes his eyes of the TV for a second and he says You're a repellently obese old hag upon whom I am compelled to heap insults and derision - depressingly far removed from the, 'stupid, squeaky, sLuty women,' who make up my vast catalogue of former lovers and to whom I might as well return right now as I hate everything about you."
“Oh my god what a bastard”
The guys
“All of a sudden she is offended because I don’t know what and she just walks away without saying anything, which I don’t mind. How much can these women talk?”
“At least you got to watch the game in peace. I mean what a game”
“That’s the thing. I missed it man. She came back and wanted to talk. She are always about the talking.”
“She made you miss the game? You’re definitely better off without her”
The girls
“I decide to give him the silent treatment. He hates nothing more than when I don’t talk to him. So I am just sitting not saying anything and he doesn’t say a word. You know those men and their pride. They will never apologize.”
“So he just sat there as if nothing happened?”
“Yea- he was watching something on TV. So I took the remote switched the TV off and went to my room and then he finally followed. He might be stubborn but he cant take it when I don’t talk to him. The silent treatment kills him.”
The guys
“She took the remote. She took the freakin remote”
“Dude, this woman is cruel. You just don’t separate a man from his remote”
“So I follow her to the bedroom to get the remote back and she begins to talk and she doesn’t stop. She is going on about communication and asks me if I am cheating on her and I don’t know what. I am just sitting there nodding my head and agreeing.”
“Good move”
“Exactly, that’s what I thought but then she asks if I love her and I say of course baby I love you”
“Oh wow, you said that. You must really like her”
“I do, she is quite something”
“Geez man, stop getting all emotional on me. You gonna make me barf”
The girls
“I don’t know if he loves me anymore, so I ask him and he says, get this, of course baby I love you”
“Ouch, cold.”
“I know, it’s never a good sign when they say baby”
“I wasn’t going to say this but Adam is always flirting with me every time we meet. I just don’t think he’s a nice guy”
“I noticed and the whole baby thing that was the final straw. I just stormed out of there. I am moving out”
The guys
“and she just stormed out. Just like that.
“What a bitch. She took the remote with her.”
“Enough with the remote thing man; my girlfriend just left me.”
“Where she go?”
“I don’t know, probably to Natalie’s place.”
“Whose Natalie?”
“Elaine’s best friend, I hate her. She’s always putting all these stupid thoughts in Elaine’s head”
The girls
“We have been living together for almost a year now and it doesn’t seem like Adam is willing to commit any further. I think it’s just best I moved out”
“He isn’t all that bad. Give him a chance. You can’t just give up on him.”
“I guess you’re right. I have wasted too much time on him to leave him now. I am going to go see him”
“Well, are you going to go see him wearing that?”
“Well, there is a sale a forever 21”
The guys
“Dude, I am going to marry her”
“Congratulations man”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I am going to do. I am going to get going man. I am going to ask her to marry me right now”
“Now?”
“Yea, now”
“Well, it’s almost time for the game”
“Now?”
“Yea, now”
“Well, I guess she’s waited for so long. She can wait a little longer”
“Lets see, where did I put the remote?”
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
It's not easy being Green
At some point of our lives we have all felt a certain supernatural existence, a supernatural world. The question is- how much effect does this world have on our lives and what's the traffic situation in that world like- are parking spaces easy to find.
I would like to spend some time exploring these worlds from the comfort of my laptop. The first unexplained phenomena I would like to talk about is Paris Hiltons fame. But I am goign to instead try and understand something easier to grasp. Mainly Aliens and U.F.O's.
Is there intelligent life out there and more importantly is there intelligent life down here. It's a debetable question. To our knowledge Aliens have never tried to contact our government, which is evidence that the aliens are indeed intelligent. Some (m night shymlalanmaenamnie) say that crop cirlcles are a way of aliens comunicating. My question is this if the aliens are so intelligent than why the hell are they running around in circles.
Lets now take the example of Roswell. It's a mediocre Tv show and the lead guy in it had a weird nose. but enough about that lets get back to the subject of aliens.
There have of course been multiple sighting of U.F.O's over the years. the following are a few eye witness records that I have collected. The first one is by Robo Hobo a half hobo half robot man known to fight crime.
"Just the other day I was looking up into the sky and I found myself staring at what looked like an some kind of flying object that was unidentified. I shall call it S.K.O.F.O.T.W.U. for short. The object was in the shape of a cup holder. A flying cup holder of some sort like a flying miniature plate only large in sizep. It left me afraid. and so I drove faster and faster. but the glowing cup holder kept following. After much chasing, glowing and spilling it came to an halt and spoke in a weird language I did not completely understand and it said shymlalanmaenamnie i believe the alien was either dyslexic or a child or worse yet a drunk alien driver as I went in for a closer check my worst fears came true it was indeed an underaged dyslexic drunk alien driver. I let it off with a warning."
Another similar account of alien sighting came from my trusted source and friend Sara al Swaidi. Thats one weird name I suspect she might be an alien her self.
i was driving at around 4:16 am and i a sure it was 4:16 am cause I remember looking at my car watch and I dont know ow to set the time on that and it has been set on 4:16 ever since I got the car. it was starting to get dark outside. from the corner of my eye i cud see shades of purple and orange. i ddnt know what it was from. but i refused to check in either of my mirrors. after some time, my curiosity had taken the best of me. i looked. it was a huge wall of smoke covering engulfing the horizon. It looked like a bird but that was too boring and uncreative. It kinda looked like superman but he was on a wheelchair at that time. People thought it was a plane but then again people also thought I was drunk. I began to speed to get away I saw the meter go up to 200kph and thats when it happened. A gigantic flash of what could only ultra-violet xray vision blinded my eyes. i thought it was the end. so i just let my self go n surrendered to the tragedy. I woke up the next morning with a speed ticket. no one believed what i saw. but i did. i sure did.
I have had similar experience with people who swear they have seen blinding lights. And they swear that they have no idea what happened.
Many aliens are known to have abducted people, probed them and left them back on earth. This of course is not an evidence for the existence of aliens cause well I do this abduction kinda thing all the time. These poeple call em aliens the dateline people call me something else.
I have told you all I could... the rest is for you to decide. The truth is out there what the hell are you doing in here.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
All these things I have done
I am now 20 years of age. The Big 2 0. And I have accomplished quite af ew things in my life.
I have-
- Managed to reach the age of 20. It took me 20 years to do it but I think thats not too bad. I am a perfectionist so I took my time.
- finished high school with floating, almost hovering colours.
- Worked my way out of various jobs
- had romantic entanglements with enough women to make a twister board delirious
- learned a foriegn language (english) I am sure its foriegn to foriegners.
- owned most consoles dating from the commodore 64/sega/atari to the wii
These are the things I have accomplished. There are quite a few things I still want to do.
- Have romantic entanglements on the twister board
- own a monkey
- Get out of my moms basement
- Write a best-selling book not bought by my mom
- record a best selling album with songs about my mom
- remove poverty and remember charity begins at home
- get more presents next birthday
- but most of all by biggest goal right now is to get to the age of 21
I want you all to remember...
We live on, love on- loan
I have-
- Managed to reach the age of 20. It took me 20 years to do it but I think thats not too bad. I am a perfectionist so I took my time.
- finished high school with floating, almost hovering colours.
- Worked my way out of various jobs
- had romantic entanglements with enough women to make a twister board delirious
- learned a foriegn language (english) I am sure its foriegn to foriegners.
- owned most consoles dating from the commodore 64/sega/atari to the wii
These are the things I have accomplished. There are quite a few things I still want to do.
- Have romantic entanglements on the twister board
- own a monkey
- Get out of my moms basement
- Write a best-selling book not bought by my mom
- record a best selling album with songs about my mom
- remove poverty and remember charity begins at home
- get more presents next birthday
- but most of all by biggest goal right now is to get to the age of 21
I want you all to remember...
We live on, love on- loan
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
The Nitty-Gritty of Eternity
Have you ever noticed that whenever people are telling you to "just be yourself" they mean to say don't act smart or sophisticated.
Would you rather have life be Tragic or Lethargic?
We have forever to count time.
I believe in freelance romance
I am a man ahead of my time but still time is two step ahead of me.
There are only two types of people self-serving and dead.
If the worlds a stage how come I am always the understudy.
Love puts the UN in FUN
I think we should all confess we have nothing to say that is off any importance whatsoever. Lets not pretend our opinions are our own our superiority earned. Lets for once be our selves , unimportant, unsophisticated, uncaring, undeserving, unloving, unloved. I call a toast to UN Without it we are nothing and thats exactly who we are.
Would you rather have life be Tragic or Lethargic?
We have forever to count time.
I believe in freelance romance
I am a man ahead of my time but still time is two step ahead of me.
There are only two types of people self-serving and dead.
If the worlds a stage how come I am always the understudy.
Love puts the UN in FUN
I think we should all confess we have nothing to say that is off any importance whatsoever. Lets not pretend our opinions are our own our superiority earned. Lets for once be our selves , unimportant, unsophisticated, uncaring, undeserving, unloving, unloved. I call a toast to UN Without it we are nothing and thats exactly who we are.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
An inconsistant truth
There is waaaay too much concern about the environment these days. That's all we hear. Environment this pollution that. I blame Al-Gore, just because he couldn't get into the White-house he went after the green house.
They say we litter too much. Too much Junk. I say have you seen how obese we are- we are consuming more junk then ever before.
Carbon emissions from cars you say Have you paid for petrol lately. If we have ever had an incentive to drive less it's now.
Population rising too quickly you say- then why the hell are you crying over aids, starvation and war. India's family planning motto is "Us two and our two". How about genocide for all instead.
Not enough clean drinking water. It's because its called coke. Water cant be dirty, thats like soap being dirty.
These things are self cleansing. human are responsible for NATURAL disasters. Pay extra attention to the words in capital.
Global warming- thats actually happening. Mostly because of green house gases, carbon emmisions increased pollution. Am I contradicting myself. Of course I am thats how you get people to listen. It's the only reason why the bible and politicians are so successful.
They say we litter too much. Too much Junk. I say have you seen how obese we are- we are consuming more junk then ever before.
Carbon emissions from cars you say Have you paid for petrol lately. If we have ever had an incentive to drive less it's now.
Population rising too quickly you say- then why the hell are you crying over aids, starvation and war. India's family planning motto is "Us two and our two". How about genocide for all instead.
Not enough clean drinking water. It's because its called coke. Water cant be dirty, thats like soap being dirty.
These things are self cleansing. human are responsible for NATURAL disasters. Pay extra attention to the words in capital.
Global warming- thats actually happening. Mostly because of green house gases, carbon emmisions increased pollution. Am I contradicting myself. Of course I am thats how you get people to listen. It's the only reason why the bible and politicians are so successful.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
We the people...
It's about time. That I, Hysum Ismail restart my bid to become president of the united States of America.
We all know a woman, a black guy or an old guy cant be a president. I mean what next- a handicapped president, a president who used to be an actor, a cheating president, a sleazy president I mean come on. At this rate we might as well have a Jewish guy run for president.
AIDS, RAPE, ABORTION these are the issues that make me horny- FOR JUSTICE
There's a weapon of mass creation in my pants.
Child labor and teenage pregnancy are the same thing
Forget about legalizing gay marriages. You wanna make homosexals think twice make gay divorces illegal.
Say no to drugs, then again if you are talking to drugs you are probably high.
Don't be a burden on the treasury, print your own money.
We the people, by the people, Fuck the people
We all know a woman, a black guy or an old guy cant be a president. I mean what next- a handicapped president, a president who used to be an actor, a cheating president, a sleazy president I mean come on. At this rate we might as well have a Jewish guy run for president.
AIDS, RAPE, ABORTION these are the issues that make me horny- FOR JUSTICE
There's a weapon of mass creation in my pants.
Child labor and teenage pregnancy are the same thing
Forget about legalizing gay marriages. You wanna make homosexals think twice make gay divorces illegal.
Say no to drugs, then again if you are talking to drugs you are probably high.
Don't be a burden on the treasury, print your own money.
We the people, by the people, Fuck the people
Monday, June 09, 2008
Smalltalk Begins
This summer on a computer near you. Smalltalk reboots. Look for weekly updates. I am going to start paying some attention to this again. Like When I started it. No more stories. Just short liike essays like I started the blog with. So here goes. enjoy
Here's the problem with being single. It's a guaranty that all the relationships you have been in were failures. Unless of course you have never been in a relationship. So when asking a girl out it automatically means you are one strike down.
But if asking a girl out wasnt hard enough the harder part is breaking up.
Break-ups are horrible. The following are a few things you need to know.
You always wanna be the breakerer not the breakee. It's a matter of pride. You want to be the person taking the dump, you don't want to be the dump itself.
Men prefer to do this kind of thing in public. To show off our masculinity and our superirority to the people around. Also to reduce the chances of violence.
Women tend to prefer to to do this kind of things in-doors. Because even when breaking up they prefer things to be intimate.
Alot of people will prefer to break up over
The phone- The number you have dialed is turned off and is outside your coverage area. Your call is no more important to us. Don't call again.
An email
hey,
hey. It's time we deleted our relationship. You are just too ctrl-ing for me. I mean everytime I try to insert my spacebar into your capslock you just backspace. I just wanted to tell you I have found an alt-ernate laptop. Me and her really get along- you know we just click. As for you and me I hope we can refresh and remain connected.
These are all rather rude to tell you the truth. It's best to pay your relatioship some kind of respect and do it in person. Also there are chances of break-up sex.
As a guy if you are going to take the girl to a restuarant make sure its a cheap restaurant. For the simple reason that the girl is always the one to leave after the break up and you ae going to end up paying the bill.
Now there are always the cliched lines you can use but here are a few variations on them so you can remian atleast a little orignal. Even if you are copying form me.
It's not you, it's your penis
It's not you, it's me- I got high standards
It's not you , it's us
I have STD
We need to talk- We need to stop talking
I just got out of a serious relationship, you on the other hand are a joke
you were a drunken mistake but enough about your conception
I have to go now. There's someone else I need to see now...
It's not you, it's youtube
Here's the problem with being single. It's a guaranty that all the relationships you have been in were failures. Unless of course you have never been in a relationship. So when asking a girl out it automatically means you are one strike down.
But if asking a girl out wasnt hard enough the harder part is breaking up.
Break-ups are horrible. The following are a few things you need to know.
You always wanna be the breakerer not the breakee. It's a matter of pride. You want to be the person taking the dump, you don't want to be the dump itself.
Men prefer to do this kind of thing in public. To show off our masculinity and our superirority to the people around. Also to reduce the chances of violence.
Women tend to prefer to to do this kind of things in-doors. Because even when breaking up they prefer things to be intimate.
Alot of people will prefer to break up over
The phone- The number you have dialed is turned off and is outside your coverage area. Your call is no more important to us. Don't call again.
An email
hey,
hey. It's time we deleted our relationship. You are just too ctrl-ing for me. I mean everytime I try to insert my spacebar into your capslock you just backspace. I just wanted to tell you I have found an alt-ernate laptop. Me and her really get along- you know we just click. As for you and me I hope we can refresh and remain connected.
These are all rather rude to tell you the truth. It's best to pay your relatioship some kind of respect and do it in person. Also there are chances of break-up sex.
As a guy if you are going to take the girl to a restuarant make sure its a cheap restaurant. For the simple reason that the girl is always the one to leave after the break up and you ae going to end up paying the bill.
Now there are always the cliched lines you can use but here are a few variations on them so you can remian atleast a little orignal. Even if you are copying form me.
It's not you, it's your penis
It's not you, it's me- I got high standards
It's not you , it's us
I have STD
We need to talk- We need to stop talking
I just got out of a serious relationship, you on the other hand are a joke
you were a drunken mistake but enough about your conception
I have to go now. There's someone else I need to see now...
It's not you, it's youtube
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Run Hysum Run
I hate babies. You know, what’s the point of them? They have tiny feet, tiny hands, a tiny head and a tiny bladder. When my girl friend told me she might pregnant I figured I had a tiny problem.
I have long legs, I can run. Run away. So what if that would mean I would have to drop out of high school. Richard Branson dropped out, look at him now. Of course his story involves virgin, mine does not. I should have run away when I had the chance.
It was just an hour ago when she told me
“I’ve been missing my periods”
“Yea, me too, I have been skipping class”
“No not those periods, my female periods”
That should have been a sign to run away, right. Run, drop out and roll. Bill Gates dropped out, look where he is now. Of course Bill Gates is a genius. He would have known when his girl friend was trying to tell him she is pregnant. Missing periods is the boyfriends’ equivalent of the blue screen of death. CTRL+ALT+
“I think I might be pregnant”
“No you are not”
“and you are the father”
“No I am not”
“I would like you to come with me to buy the pregnancy test”
“No I won’t”
I wasn’t exactly speechless; I just had very little speech. This meant she had won that little argument and we were going to the pharmacy. You know those pharmacy people have a great sense of irony. The pregnancy tests are kept right next to the condoms. That’s not greatest sales pitch is it, shows how much confidence the have in the condoms.
So we buy the test and go to the star bucks next door. My girlfriend walks into the bathroom inside.
So here I am in star bucks now pacing outside of a bathroom in Starbucks while my girlfriend is inside peeing on a stick. No she’s inside pissing on my parade. The pregnancy test is the worst test in the world. Its not just any test, it’s a pop quiz. No way to prepare for it. It’s probably the only test in which if you pass you are screwed. It’s karma I guess. You are screwed because you screwed.
This was my future right here. For the rest of life I would be working in Star bucks being paid ten dollars an hour trying to raise my family. I am still pacing in Star bucks and my strides get longer and longer till I reach the door and then I run.
I run, I am Forest Gump being chased by the Terminator. I am running. Not looking back. I won’t stop. I run and I run out of breath. Faster and faster. I am a hit and run boyfriend. I am sure a fertile man like myself can make something of my life. Responsibility is over-rated. But I still wonder a tiny bit. Was she pregnant?
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
A self portrait of someone else
This is not the post that's supposed to follow but its still something to read meanwhile. I am working on the other post.
Our story begins in a room. The room isn’t all that great to look at; if I was a rude person I would call it ugly but since I am not I’ll just say it’s a room with good personality. Either way’s it’s a homely looking home. The walls are this weird dyslexic collage of red, orange, green and brown. I don’t particularly like furniture in a small room like mine they tend to be a bit of a hassle and I, like most people don’t like hassles (no not even David hasslehof- ha ha). So all I have in my room is a bed set against the wall.
The problem with having the bed against the wall is you always have to wake up on the same side of the bed and unfortunately for me it turned out that side was the wrong side of the bed. But this particular morning I woke up on the right side of the bed which is basically just an optimistic way of saying I walked into a wall.
So I am only half awake and I bumped my head against a wall; medically speaking “ithurtslikeabitch”. It wasn’t the wall that hurt- you see what I forgot to mention is that I had dug a nail into that wall earlier so I could crucify a picture against it. Unfortunately the nail was still there but the picture wasn’t. [The following is a public service announcement- the heads of nails hurt]
According to my grandma the instant solution to a bleeding scar on the forehead is a mixture of limewater, vinegar, salt and toothpaste. It didn’t work for Harry potter and it wasn’t going to work for me and so I called the grocery to send over some band-aid.
The door bell rang; I opened the door and on the other side of it stood the ugliest woman on earth next to a trolley with a box of band-aid in it. If it’s the inner beauty that counts than I hope her inner beauty was John Nash. This girl was uglier than my room. She had the kind of face you could only make using Michael Jackson’s rejected skin.
She looked tall for her height and too white for her tan. She had obese eyebrows and thin anorexic eyes bulging out of her eye sockets. Her eye lashes were few and far between protecting shading her eyes like a bikini would cover a body. Her nose jutted out of her face. It was the kind of nose only Pinocchio could have if he was an elephant. She had in her hand the band-aid- which she handed to me. I asked her to wait at the door so I could go in and get some money. And then she smiled…
Her face was as contorted as a girl standing on one finger with one leg in her mouth and the other folded backwards along her spinal cord. If her face was a gymnast she would win gold.
I thought to myself I was having a nightmare but I dismissed the notion as it would be too lame an ending. She then said something that changed my life forever. She said
“Notice the stripes”
She then walked out pushing the trolley with her and she sang “I hope the exit is joyful and I hope never to return”. Two minutes later the door bell rang again. It was the grocery guy with a band-aid and a bill.
The woman wasn’t an angel and she wasn’t a ghost. The woman is world renowned; you probably know her. I met her again but that’s a different story. I won’t tell you her name because that too is a different story. I will tell you I did notice the stripes and if you know me you know that I do.
This was how the story began- I’ll tell you where it ends some other time.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Prologue
This is not a post but only a declaration. On the first of February I will post a new post. Something that will blow your mind-hole. The post will be titled-
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
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